Tipping the Scales

I was one of those teens who struggled to MAINTAIN over the 100 pound mark. I could eat anything and everything I wanted. When I got sick with CFS (we now know to actually be the retrovirus XMRV) at age 18, I basically stopped eating. Bacon bits, cottage cheese and tomatoes were the only things I could choke down for months. Then I discovered an equation I called, "food equals energy" and relied on high calorie snacks to give me momentary blood sugar boosts just to get through the next task in survival mode.

I gained 40 pounds in less than 2 years, only to discover a month before my wedding that there was no possible way I could fit in my wedding dress! :yikes: We bought a new dress, got married, my weight settled in around 143 and within six months we jumped onto the roller coaster of infertility charting and then Clomid. I managed to stay just under 150 (having gained nearly half of my prior body weight!) over the next six years but it was a hard struggle. Finally, I got on Metfomin to address insulin resistance (IR) that went hand in hand with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and was thrilled to watch 20 pounds melt off over the next three months!!!

I was and even more thrilled to learn we were pregnant as a result of IUI and injectables that third cycle! The thinking at that time (nearly 12 years ago) was that Metformin should be stopped when pregnancy was confirmed, so I stopped it the day I got my positive result. I was VERY sick (throwing up 20-30 times per day from week 7 on through most of the pregnancy) and lost 12 pounds before I could start gaining anything, weighing just 6 pounds over my starting pregnancy weight the day I went into labor. Our son nursed for 19 months and I continually gained weight that entire postpartum time.

I think I ended up right back at the 143-145 mark by that point. I don't know why I didn't get started on Metformin again at that point, but I didn't. We went on to have two more miscarriages. Eventually I did get back on Metformin and this time dropped over 30 pound in 10 months and started ovulating consistently without other fertility meds!

I had another laparoscopy, lasting nearly 4 hours when the doctor had only anticipated 45 minutes, and was told I would need to come back for another surgery in 3-6 months to remove at least one tube and ovary. I was told there was less than 5% chance of ever conceiving again even with the help of medical aid and that if by some miracle I could possibly conceive, I would never carry another baby to full term due to multiple uterine issues.

My first ovulatory cycle after surgery, God proved the doctors wrong! And though the pregnancy was scary (preterm contractions started at 25 weeks) God brought our daughter to healthy, full-term birth 8 years ago last week. I gained 18 pounds with this pregnancy and kept right on gaining through 2 years of breastfeeding and postpartum depression.

I'm thinking I was around the 150 mark by the time all was said and done this time. I did get back on Metformin but for the first time my weight didn't budge. :( It didn't go down, but I tried to console myself with the fact that at least it didn't go up any further either.

After 13 years, 3 miscarriage, 7 adoption losses, 2 living miracles, multiple surgeries, meds, and so much more, God totally surprised us with yet another son, born the week of our daughter's 3rd birthday! Preterm contractions started at 19 weeks this time (by God's grace he was only born a month early) and while I wasn't nearly as sick as I had been with our first, I again dropped several pounds before I could start gaining and was just 6 pounds over starting pregnancy weight on the morning of his birth. The same pattern of ongoing weight gain happened over the next year and a half of breastfeeding.

Again I found myself parked right around 143-145 pounds, as seemed to be my body's natural landing spot whenever PCO and IR went unaddressed medically, and now sometime tipping up to around 150. I did get back on Metfomin again briefly, but by now my body was totally burned out. The hysterectomy I had been told to expect before my 30th birthday could be held off no longer and 2 1/2 years ago, at age 36, 10 weeks worth of heavy bleeding that would not respond to medical intervention led to knowing it was time to write the final chapter of our infertility story.

Though I kept one ovary, my broken uterus had to go. It was especially hard as my trusted ob/gyn moved out of state a week before all the bleeding started and I had to go through these decisions and surgery with a doctor who I had only just met. He immediately took me back off Metformin saying that since I was no longer rying to conceive, there was no reason for me to stay on Metformin. I argued that as long as I still had an ovary, I still have PCOS (and really, even if the ovary were gone, PCOS's long-term impact should still be addressed) but he wasn't in agreement. As a result I began packing on weight like never before. The girl who struggled to maintain 100 pounds was now to 160 by last Christmas (2009) and a pound shy of breaking the 170 mark this Christmas!

Due XMRV my physical ability to exercise is almost non-existent. I use a wheel chair most times I leave the house because of my inability even to stand for any length of time. I cannot walk to my own mail box at the end of our street. I eat lots of fruits, veggies, lean meat, but I do crave sugar and carbs and while I'm typically fairly careful here, once I get started on sweets, I tend to binge. I try to make good food choices overall, but the weight kept piling on anyway. You may remember my post about Seeking Contentment with Great Gain gain from last July. To me Metformin was the only answer but none of my doctors would budge.

Finally, this past October, I started some new medications for the CFS (after trying IVs and all kinds of other things these past couple of year) and that actually seems to be helping. The meds even list weight GAIN as a common side effect, but I believe my body was fighting so hard just against illness that it couldn't let go of weight. Now that I have some help for my battered immune system, I'm dropping about 4 pounds per month (down a total of 15 pounds since October).

Now that I have some momentum, I'm wanting to make even better food choices. On my doctors orders, and by God's strength alone (sure not in my power!), I now in my 12th day off of processed sugars!!! My doctor told me in no uncertain terms a couple of weeks ago that "cutting back" on sugar isn't OK, that I need to cut it OUT all together. This has been a hard battle as sugar has remained my security blanket through all the ups and downs with weight and health crisis in general. I read this week that sugar is as addictive as cocaine! But God's giving me victories every day, like being able to joyfully say, "No thank you" when offered birthday cake for both of our youngest living miracles this past week. It's an exciting process even if it is a moment-by-moment battle.

Thanks to the kindness of my sweet friend Veronica, I just started reading Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food by Lysa Terkeurst. (I don't know how long the offer will last, but a 21-day companion devotional called Craving God is FREE as an Amazon Kindle download today! If you don't have a Kindle, you can download a free ebook reader from Amazon as well.) I know Made to Crave is the right book God sent me at the right time. It's not a diet program, it's a Bible study on heart issues and replacing food cravings with a deeper relationship with the Lord.

How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. - Psalm 84:1-2

I'm at 154 pounds right now. My goal weight for my height and bone build is 125ish, so 15 down and about 30 pounds left to shed to be at a more healthy weight. I've been as low as 113 (nearly 9 years ago, just before conceiving our daughter) and I know that was TOO thin, but I know myself well enough to know I could be tempted to try to get even below that 125 mark. Being hopefully optimistic that I can continue loosing weight this time simply by addressing significant health issues and continuing to make wiser health choices, I want to be accountable that I don't let myself drop that low again either. Thanks for walking with me through this journey. I'm praying that God will help me stop this yo-yo once and for all!

Sweet Peace

I'm 5 1/2 days into the no-sugar challenge my doctor has placed before me. It's not easy. But God is faithful and this was the devotional that He timed to pop up in my inbox today:
Nothing Tastes as Good as Peace Feels

To Write

One of the many blogs I follow is written by Lysa TerKeurst. She posted something recently that's playing over and over in my mind. As background I guess you should know that as much as I love to write, and am [GULP!] actually learning to embrace public speaking when given the opportunity, I often struggle to know what to share. What do I say? What's of value? What can I give that will make your time investment in my words be worth your while?

When I find myself voicing these questions, Mom's advice is always simply, "Just tell your story, Sweetheart." And I do. But sometimes it seems awfully self-centered. And I wonder if this is really the way to go about using the platform God's built for me. I don't want it to be "all about me," but since one of the key rules for writers is "write what you know" or "write from experience" I've never figured out a better way to go about it.

With this in mind, it was a huge breath of relief, an "Ah-ha!" moment, to read Lysa's recent thoughts:

I’m more convinced than ever people don’t care to hear about our Jesus these days until they meet the reality of Jesus in our lives.
Don’t skim past that last sentence too quickly.  Our history with Jesus is our best salvation message.
If you look at the word ‘history,’ it’s interesting to break it in half and see the words, “His story.”  That’s the thing this world is dying to hear.  People can debate and argue theology all day long but they can’t argue what Jesus has done personally in our lives.  Truth lived out is the best sermon.

She had more inspiring thoughts to share, but these are the words the lept into my soul.

So that's the trick. That's what makes the difference between how telling my story makes it "all about me" and why telling my story can instead point someone to Him. I've heard it said many times, "You are the only Bible some people will ever read" and agree with the statement, but somehow never quite made the bridge to how "just telling my story" was anything other than narcissistic. Having it worded by Lysa that, "people don’t care to hear about our Jesus these days until they meet the reality of Jesus in our lives" just made it "click" for me, that I'm right where God has me, living my life, telling my story, praying to be used by Him through it all. :)

A sweet quote from the facebook page of A Friend in the Storm seems to go along with all this. "GRACE is more than a comfort. It seasons our speech, fragrances our lives, & explains our eternity." 

Lord Jesus, You are the author of my life. Please live and work in and through me, letting Your story speak grace through my every word. I am nothing without You. Let me be a light to shine Your love for hurting people, leading the broken to Your heart!