Friday, July 2, 2010

Great Gain

I've gained weight the past year and a half. A lot of weight.  I was asked three times last week if I was pregnant because I'm carrying most of that weight right out front in my belly.  I had a hysterectomy, then did IVIG and there is no doubt that my hormones are way out of balance. I weight more than 50 pounds more today than I did when I was pregnant with our daughter eight years ago. About 40 of those pounds have been packed on the past 20 months.

I am frustrated. I don't like my body. I don't like getting dressed. I dislike getting undressed even more.  I have stacks of clothes I can't get into, some now 3 or 4 sizes too small, that I've been stashing away for when I can get the pound off.

Today I'm choosing a new attitude. Yes, I would still like to shed some weight, for health, for self-esteem, for so many reasons. But the fact is, this is my body right now. The same Holy Spirit lives inside this broken temple who lived here when I was at my healthiest, most fit, most attractive days. I can make choices that will keep this body as well-conditioned as I am able, but honestly some of this is simply beyond my control.

So today I went through all my clothes, those horded away for someday and those still hanging in my closet, many ill-fitting even though I try to still squeeze into them.  To my delight I found a few things I honestly didn't think would fit that still work nicely. :)  I kept about 5 things that are very near to fitting, just a tiny snug right now, because if I can loose a few pounds and under-grow what I have, I still have a tiny cushion of options before I hit yard sales and consignment stores for smaller sizes.

I sorted and organized all the rest and can walk into my closet and know that absolutely anything I pull off the hanger will fit on this body and I won't have to fight through five or six outfit changes (and accompanying tears and words of self-loathing) just to get dressed in the morning.  And as a bonus, I now get to bless some friends with an abundance of clothing that can be enjoyed again, no longer a source of frustration to their owner.

But godliness with contentment is great gain.
-  1 Timothy 6:6

Father, please grant me contentment in my "great gain" that I can have a heart to fully embrace the body you have given me and glorify you with it, just as I am.


Anonymous said...

Jenni, I love how you took your frustration and used it as a way to Bless others. Please know you are not alone in this struggle and that someday we are going to have beautiful heavenly bodies! :)

Lisa K.

Melanie said...

Thank you so much for sharing this and for the words. You brought tears to my eyes!

I too have the same problem - felt like you were describing me. I keep guessing that the whole "cellular metabolism" that causes our cells not be produce energy must be to blame, but you put a beautiful godly twist on this.

Thank you for your ministry to me today!

PS: and as Jenni said on her FB... Please don't try to sell me your diet program - I'm alergic to so many things and working with my holisticly-minded doctor to find answers - I just needed Jenni's ministry of where my mind should be spiritually :-)

Jenni - I loved your statement "The same Holy Spirit lives inside this broken temple who lived here when I was at my healthiest, most fit, most attractive days." I'm adding that to my favorite quotes!

<3 Melanie

Lori said...

My doctor tells me all the time...remember: You were fearfully and wonderfully made!

So...on those days where I look at something on my body and sigh...I just remind myself of that!

Miriam said...

I know this is an older post but you just put it wonderfully- I am so proud of you, or better for you letting the HS remind you just that we are just a shell, and it is Him in You that makes you beautiful! You remind even myself of these truths.
Love that you hit the yard/consignment sales too :) I get so many complements often by others and I love to smile and let them know I bought these used!! It is how you wear them, and now what!