The Tummy

I faced "female problems" from my early teen years. Thirty years later, this picture was taken last week, a few days before my final hysterectomy, which will hopefully lay the consequences of a diseased reproductive system to rest once and for all!

You see, this was actually my second hysterectomy, going back to take my cervix, remaining ovary, and once again (as has been surgically required so many times over the past 20 years) clean out the mess and pain created by Endometriosis. I am 43 years old and dramatically entered menopause in full force last week.

There had been absolutely NO CHANCE of that belly hosting the life of a baby for nearly seven years since I had surgically said farewell to the body of my uterus and first ovary, yet to look at me, all bloated and inflamed, it would have been a common presumption to think I was well-along into pregnancy!

This got me thinking and reflection on our decade of active infertility. My tummy HAS looked like this before, sometimes, at least six in fact, from the hard-fought blessing of carrying a child within! For all those stretch marks, I am rewarded far beyond anything I had ever dared hope during our infertility years, with three living children in my home today, ages 15, 12 and 9. I do not take them for granted. I so wish I could have worn a t-shirt (or neon sign on my forehead) that read something like, "Don't hate me infertile friend. This baby has been 7 years in the making!" Just because I was finally pregnant, the feelings of infertility were not magically erased! I readily still related much more with the infertile word than the fertile one!

Our living miracles' known siblings who never got to come home would be 20, a likely twin of the 15-year-old, 14, and 13. I am ever so blessed that my womb was their entire earthly home, yet they are still missed! Pregnant tummy mis-speaking about the state of my fertility once again, in each of their cases.

More strangely, my tummy has looked like this before because of the very reality of not being able to conceive! Illness and swelling such as I just pictured , from Endometriosis or other reproductive illness, but also sometimes from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), in response to fertility drugs, fibroid tumors, and/or due ovarian hyper-stimulation! What insult, added to injury, to "look pregnant" simply because of whatever condition(s) is causing sub fertility in the first place!

So next time you see a "pregnant" woman, don't presume! Maybe she is. Maybe she isn't. Either way, there may be much more to her story than meets the eye. And to the lady I naively asked how far along you were, 20-some years ago, before I knew better, I'm still so very sorry for the tears I brought to your eyes that day. Please forgive me!

HH on Sale!

Hannah's Hope is currently on reduced price on the NavPress website. I don't know for how long, but right now it is $8.99 rather than the $14.99 list price! https://www.navpress.com/product/9781576836545/Hannahs-Hope-Jennifer-Saake

Care Package

Today #NHBPM prompt is, "Create the perfect care package for your members or fellow patients."

 

Two things that were especially meaningful to me in the hospital (and since I've been home) are a prayer shawl and a couple of prayer quilts. I think, be it infertility, loss, chronic illness, or long-term recovery for a critical condition like my strokes, an item like this, to convey prayers, would be high on my list of priority things to include.  I also love the SOFT comfort of Pajama Prayers.

For infertility, I would like something that validates grief, like a specific piece of jewelry. Also a blank journal and a good book, like Hannah's Hope.

 For pregnancy or infant loss, also a piece of memorial jewelry, a keepsake item like sweet baby shoes, a bear, or a baby blanket, photos if time appropriate, and a book like Kathe Wunnenberg's Grieving the Child I Never Knew. Lots of great memorial gifts are found at Sufficient Grace.

For ME/CFS or other chronic illnesses, check for allergies and or sensitivities. A massage gift certificate might be great for one friend, while being intolerable for another who is sent into a tailspin with touch. A gift certificate for take out or house cleaning is usually quite welcome, as long as there is variety in the menu choices (to accommodate food restrictions) or the cleaning product used are low-scent and non-allergenic. Easily prepared foods or crock-pot meals (again, ask about any food issues) are handy for times your friend just isn't up to cooking, even cleaned and cut carrot stick or other veggies may be greatly appreciated. Paper plates and disposable utensils are good too. Magazines, light, funny novels, humorous movies, fruit or other snacks, card games, favorite music, the possibilities are many! While it is rather dated, a good book to give, if you are looking for something more serious, is Finding Strength in Weakness by Lynn Vanderzalm.

For stroke or critical/long-term conditions, a truly listening ear is the most important thing. Like I said a couple days ago, bright flowers (or maybe a bright picture - something with lots of color!) are often good too. Books on CD were a huge blessing when my eyesight was too poor to read. (Any title by Joni Earckson Tada is great.) Fast-reading, inspirational or devotional books, like Jesus Calling, have been great since I started reading again, but have such low attention span and memory. 

A small, lightweight, non-bulky, inspirational necklace was a great gift that I can wear to therapy to stay motivated without it getting in the way. Non-slip socks are a fun and practical gift. If you know specific needs of your friend, how can you creatively meet those needs? A friend who had to have a tracheotomy from her stroke requested pretty, new, non-allergenic, silk scarves to put over her scar. 

The gift of time, may be even more appreciated that a tangible item, be it offering to clean a bathroom, mop a floor, help sort something like photos and get them in an album, or helping decorate for the holidays, or some skill like a friend who came to my house to cut my hair or another who did manicures professionally and showed up with her foot spa to do a pedicure. 

Quilt I made for Kendra, tying it as part of my own therapy.

 Can you offer rides to doctor's offices and the grocery store? Can you offer child care? Find out my needs and ask God to give you creative ideas to meet them. Are you willing to hassel with my wheel chair or walker (and be seen with me in public) to take me on a shopping outing just for fun, knowing I will take an especially long time (and may need some help) in the fitting room?

P.S. Unless you know for a fact that it is not an issue, for any gift giving, please avoid nuts (common allergen), latex (like balloons), or anything scented (like candles). There's nothing worse than knowing someone gave you a gift from a huge heart and good intentions, but you can't be around it. Some kinds of cut flowers, while beautiful, really stink within a few days, so check with your florist! Still want to send balloons, try mylar ones - they last longer too. Our dollar store carries them for a much better price than anywhere else in town. (Remember, even if there are no concerns for your friend, if he/she shares a hospital room, there are the potential allergy issues of a roommate to consider as well.)

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Today I am thankful for my friends, who have surrounded me and cheered me on. When life gets inconvenient, you find out who your true friends are. I have been richly blessed in this department!

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First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss

Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache

Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace

Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illnesS

Fire!

I was sharing with my mom yesterday how unprepared I felt for this crisis. I guess that's the hallmark of a crisis though, it is something devastatingly unexpected and if you were fully prepared you wouldn't react to the crisis negatively, so in your eye the event wouldn't be a crisis!

I compared having a stroke to a single house fire. In a wide-spread crisis like a flood or an earthquake, everyone can understand what you are going through because they are dealing with the same types of issues.

A fire is just as unexpected (sometimes more so with today's weather prediction technology) and just as individually devastating, but very few truly know what your daily life is like in the days, week, months or even years to follow. There isn't a manual to tell you what to expect or what steps come next along your journey. And it is a unique process for anyone, all though their are some general commonalities with others who have lived the same trauma.

The good news here is that while others can't personally relate, they weren't traumatized at the same time you were, so they have the emotional and physical resources available to help you out, unlike fellow catastrophe victims would.

 I went to therapy again yesterday. Nearly an hour with the occupation therapist for my intake interview. Tthen my normal physical therapy stuff for another hour or so.  As for walking, G. says that they hardly ever see this kind of progress, especially this quickly, even from a single stroke, much less six with such deep brain involvement like I've seen. I know the only answer is God's grace, since my medical prognoses was so poor.

 I told him that I would still like to be walking by now and he agreed that ever other patient wanted to, "be better yesterday" as well, but he still seems quite amazed at my progress. I am still walking like i severely drunk, but I am walking a bit so there is progress. My new goal is to be fully walking on my own by my 40th birthday, the end of July. I don't know how realistic that goal is, but it is where I hope to be.

 I also do a seated stepping machine. A week ago my record was around 600-700 steps in 15 minutes. Last Wednesday I made over 1,060 and yesterday I got to 1,275 in the same amount of time. I like this kind of measurable progress with such exciting outcomes!

When we came in from therapy we smelled a little smoke in the air and heard a fire siren. Within the next half hour we watched in fascinated horror as a pillar of smoke rose over our neighborhood, first white and then thick and black. At least three more fire trucks came roaring past our house and we knew the lives of our neighbor were changing forever.

Just a few blocks from our house, two children were home alone (imagine their parents, leaving for work one ho-hum morning, then having no home to come back to at the end of the day) when the fire broke out. According to the news, there were no injuries, so I presume the kids got out safely. I do not know the family and do not know how we can help out, but the stroke analogy kept replaying in my mind as I watched the smoke rise, and I covered this hurting family in prayer.

We have been through or own crisis, but now we are in a position to be the blessers to others because this tragedy wasn't our own. God, please give us the wisdom to turn our kind intention in to healing and helpful actions, when I'm at such loss in how to respond.

Last night I enjoyed a couple of independent "firsts." I went to writer's group again, so this meant I rode somewhere in the car without an immediate family member AND it was my first time out for a meeting in the evening. I was quite sore and tired by the end, but I am thankful I was able to go! I was so blessed by the fellowship of the ladies and the feedback on my Fruit of the Spirit book. It was a stretch, and I was fearful to go without family and hand-holding, but I was embraced quickly back into the fold and was well taken care of.

I ask you to keep this nameless family who lost their home in yesterday's fire in your prayers. Also my friends R. and M. who remain so heavy on my heart as they continue grieving for their daughter.

Held

I'm very blessed to be part of a new project, a blogging community just for Christian women facing infertility or loss, along with those who love us. If you are journeying through emotional pain surrounding the growth of your family, or if you love someone who is, please come join us at Held, the brand new blogging arm of Hannah's Prayer Ministries.

Did the Baby Die?

Wow!!!
Powerful story at A Holy Experience entitled, The Great Give Away.
Go. Read. Wipe tears.
Be challenged and refreshed as we prepare our hearts to count down to Christmas.

New School Year

We started school a week ago with a 6th grader, 2nd grader, and 4 1/2 year old dipping his toes into K (we usually do K and 1st over a 3-year span). We are sticking with our tried and beloved My Father's World program that we've used since the 6th grader started K, along with Math U See. In January we will also be adding Rosetta Stone Spanish to the mix. The kids and I have set a goal to memorize the entire book of James this year. Emotionally I'm very excited about the new year! Physically, I'm really dragging and would appreciate your prayers for strength and grace.

It's going to be a busy year for our kids. Our older two are entering First Lego League robotics competitions for the first time (hubby will be managing most of their involvement in this program), we'll have homeschol co-op (2 hours on Thursday afternoons, my one planned weekly outing outside of church, usually accomplished in a wheel chair), AWANAs (the kids are going with a friend to their church on Wednesday nights, so no transportation required of me this year), and our church is launching Pioneer Clubs (every other Tuesday night). It is so hard to find the balance between being a hands-on mom who doesn't want to miss these quickly passing moments of my kids growing up years, and doing what I need to do for myself and my health. I'm so thankful for friends who help along the way. I've only got one chance at this mothering thing and I so yearn to do it well, but it's so hard when I'm always so sick.

Outside of kid activities, I'm helping our pastor's wife organize a pregnancy/ infant loss remembrance event sometime around Oct. 15. I'm also still traveling back and forth to Stanford for medical treatment and am hopeful I may be pulled into local clinical trials sometime later this fall or winter. And painfully slowly, I'm continuing to make baby steps of progress on my book on the life of Paul and living with chronic pain/illness.

Lord, please give us your strength to keep in all in balance, to your glory, this year! I'm so weak and weary...

Would Love Your Help!

My book, Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss has been nominated by the oldest, and one of the largest, infertility support networks in the nation, as one of the top four "best" infertility books for 2010.

Their selections are now open for public vote and I would so appreciate if if you would take a moment and visit www.resolve.org/vote to cast a vote for Hannah's Hope in the "best book" category. Thank you so very much!!! If you have a blog or a facebook/twitter type account and would be willing to pass this along to your friends as well, I would truly appreciate your assistance! Voting closes June 24.

Post Mother's Day Blues

This time 16 years ago I was suicidal. My life is so very different now. I have so very much to be thankful for. I am blessed beyond words! My kids and hubby spoiled me like crazy yesterday and we in turn were thankful for another year to spend with our own loving moms. So why on earth am I fighting those nasty old post-mother's-day-blues that became so ingrained into my life during our infertility years?

I still miss my babies. I love the three I've been given here on earth fiercely, and I would grieve any of of them with great anguish would the Lord decided He was calling any one of them Home before me. But none replace the others that I still miss and I don't think there's anything wrong about admitting to that reality that days like Mother's Day are strong reminders of who isn't here.

I ache for many friends
- the after-infertility babies of my sweet friend Shelly who just spent their first Mother's Day without their Mommy after breast cancer took her Home early.
- the after-infertility mom who probably just spent her last Mother's Day with her two miracles as brain cancer continues to steal away more and more of her life
- my friend who still battles through PPD as she faces the 2-year-anniversary of her daughter's death (on Mother's Day)!
- sweet Lori and so many like her who face their first Mother's Day visiting their children at his or her grave
- my single friends who long for families of their own
- the lady who refused a plant from me at church yesterday (and so many like her, like i used to be) with that defiant "I'm not a mom" response that I remember all-too-well

*sigh*
I am blessed. I am thankful. My heart aches with "survivor guilt" and today I need to take the time to grieve afresh before I can move on with renewed joy.

Not Alone

If you are facing infertility or the death of your baby this Mother's Day, I've posted several resources this week at HannahsHopeBook.blogspot.com that I pray will encourage you. {hug}

And on a different note, while did not write any of the following,I love that I'm not alone in this journey:
Why I decided to Homeschool My Kids Despite My Chronic Illness

This N That

As National Day of Prayer draws to an end, I've just shared my thoughts on Mother's Day and resources for infertility/loss related to this holiday on Harvesting Hope from Heartache™.

The Women's Health Hero voting has been extended from May 7 to May 14, so please feel free to continue sharing my profile link! We are up to 200 votes and currently in second place. On a very liberal website, I don't see these votes so much as being personal votes for me, but votes speaking affirmation of the gift of life when my profile is paired against several abortion-advocacy and other feminist nominees. (There are also some very cool and worthy profiles listed there, and I've actually added my own vote to several other profiles, but most of the lead vote counts are currently going toward abortion-related women.)

Here's a writing challenge I hope to enter, if I have the physical energy and mental focus in do the writing in the next few days: Hope to Cope with Pain

One day left to take advantage of a 10% discount on Affordable Mineral Makeup™ over on my InnerBeautyGirlz page. :)

And related to CFS/XMRV, here's a rather technical, but interesting and important letter from Judy A. Mikovits, PhD, Director of Research, Whittemore Peterson Institute, Reno, Nevada (whom I consider a personal champion in my battle for health) to the editors of the Bulletin of the International Council for CFS/ME.

Give-Away for my book

I've been posting updates about my current writing progress for my new book on the life of Paul and living with chronic pain/illness over on my Harvesting Hope from Heartache™ blog. And today I also posted a give away for a copy of my book, Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss. To enter the give-away or catch up on my latest writing ventures, please visit HarvestingHope.blogspot.com. :)

Fiction Fridays: Janette Oke

Several books by Janette Oke include infertility and/or loss themes:

The Love Comes Softly series, while the main character is quite fertile, also includes a subplot of a friend with recurrent losses and eventually giving birth to her only living son with special needs. Later in the same series, there is stillbirth.

Canadian West series, especially by the second and later books, is very much an infertility story and also includes adoption loss and fulfilled adoption dreams.


A Bride for Donnigan has the main character being very unsympathetic with her friend's miscarriage grief until she herself suffers a stillborn baby.

Julia's Last Hope depicts an after-infertility mom of twins who opens her home as a bed-and-breakfast. Her first client is a pregnant teen who is sent away to give birth and relinquish her child for adoption to save the wealthy family from disgrace. Julia gives a great representation of the processing of after-infertility emotions and I could relate to many of her conversations with God.

Janette's books are typically light, quick reading. Some even consider them "fluff" but I "cut my teeth" on Christian fiction with these as a teenager and Janette's stories will always hold a very special place in my heart. I know she has other titles that are strong fertility-related plot lines, but these are the ones that come to mind off the top of my head. Do you have any to add to this list?

Fiction Fridays: Marriage Wish

The Marriage Wish by Dee Henderson is about a young widow who goes into preterm labor shortly after the death of her husband and their little girl lives only 3 month, all in the NICU. It's a tearjerker for sure, but very realistic in dealing with the grief emotions that she processes as she slowly learns to risk loving again.



Have you read any good fiction that deals with pregnancy loss or infant death in a profound way? I'm always looking for great Christian reads that will minister to hurting hearts in the process of offering entertainment. Please let me know what's on your bookshelf that my readers might enjoy!

Life is Short

I hope this post isn't too much of a downer. I have a heavy heart tonight and just need to type it out somewhere. Since it doesn't seem like many people actually read this blog anyway, seems like a good place to work out my thoughts without casting gloom over too many.

This year I've had two author friends who had brothers-in-laws hit by drunk drivers. One was killed, the other is recovering surprisingly well. But both accidents were sobering reminders that life can change in the blink of an eye.

Last month a friend from Jr. High, whom I had only recently reconnected with via facebook, posted that her mom had died. It was sad to read as I remember her mother fondly and it was a bit shocking to think of someone as young as my own mom dying. But I hadn't seen the woman in more than 20 years and while I hurt for my friend in her loss, it seemed rather far removed from my own reality.

Shortly thereafter there was a terrible car accident in the dark of night at the intersection closest to our home. Three teenagers were life-flighted to the hospital while the mother of one lost her life that night. There was no alcohol involved just excessive speed and reckless driving. I knew no one involved in the accident, but heard the sirens that night and the roadside cross, about half a mile from the marker of a teen who was killed on the same road 2 years ago, is a sobering sight.

Then the weekend after Thanksgiving my parents learned that the son of a close friend was killed when he fell asleep at the wheel, driving back to college from Thanksgiving. I didn't even know the man, but because it hit my parents so hard, death seemed a step closer then.

And now, in the last 2 days, I have learned of three more deaths; the 2-year-old son of an online acquaintance who fell in the family pool, a doctor who had helped unravel some of my medical puzzle and treated me on several occassions, and now the mom of a very dear friend.
I hardly know the child's mother at all, just ache for her heartache as she faces gifts that will never be unwrapped under her tree.
But I had talked with my friend's mom, both face-to-face and over the phone, several times in the last couple of months, and suddenly she is gone. My heart is absolutely broken for my friend and there's this lump in the pit of my stomache that I can't shake away.
But my doctor's loss hits me perhaps hardest of all, for not only was I a patient OF his for quite some time, but I was also a fellow patient WITH him, just three weeks ago giving up my bed in the infusion room so that he could use it for what would end up being one of his final cancer treatments...

I know I am exhausted and sleep deprived after a week and a half of caring for family members with the flu, and that's definately impacting my emotional state at the moment. Physically I'm also struggling thanks to these relentless hives that have me more on edge than normal as well. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to accomplish with this post other than to say that my heart aches for all the pain so many are facing, and yet I am overwhelmed with the blessings of simply drawing my next breath and putting my arms around my loved ones. So if nothing else productive comes from this post, other than the easing of my own heartache by the therapy of writing, I beg of you to celebrate this moment and take time for those you love, because life is so very fragile and fleeting!

Creative Adoption Fundraising

Over the years I've seen many creative ideas for raising funds to adopt a child. I happened across one this morning that really impressed me and I had a share it with you. Preparing for a Miracle is one family's journey to bring their daughter home from South Korea. They are working to raise $10,000 through some amazing online raffels. Reading through their story, I am reminded so much of our own journey and am in prayerful tears that God will work all things together to bring their Lily home soon!

Virtual Spa Weekend

The first weekend in May, Hannah's Prayer Ministires (Christian infertility and pregnancy loss support ministry I helped launch nearly 15 years ago) will be holding a retreat in OH. There will be about 40 ladies gathered to encourage and support one another. The theme of the weekend will be "Beautiful In His Sight" and the guest speaker is Ginger Garrett, author of Beauty Secrets of the Bible (as well as a devotional book on infertility and several award-winning Christian fiction titles). I know it will be a wonderful, blessed weekend for all who attend!

Unfortunately, there are hundreds of women who are regular participants on the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums who are unable to attend for a variety of reasons (mostly, the prohibitive cost of travel) but would really love to be there. As the excitement builds on our Forums for the ladies who will be attending, the disappointment for those who cannot is growing as well. And so I'm going to be hosting a Virtual Spa Weekend on my InnerBeautyGirlz blog from May 1-3.

This event will be open to everyone, but especially geared toward the ladies of Hannah's Prayer. I am looking for home-spa ideas, beauty treats and suggestions, guest blogger articles on beauty (with fun tips for our bodies, but also a focus on inner beauty), and product donations for drawings and give-aways throughout the weekend. Since my target readers that weekend will all be dealing with infertility or the death of a baby, I need to specifically avoid child-related posts and products (like using examples from motherhood in your stories).

Please share your suggestions for this event! Have a beauty topic you would like to write a guest blog about? Have a product you would like to donate as a give-away (and get your business featured in the process)? Have any creative ideas and suggestions for creating an at-home-spa experience? I would love to hear from you!

Christian Infertility, Pregnancy Loss Retreat

Event: Hannah's Prayer Retreat
Date: Fri, May 01, 2009 - Sun, May 03, 2009
Place: Cincinnati, OH
Details: If you are a Christian woman facing the heartbreak of infertility, pregnancy loss or infant death, you are invited!

This retreat is for married women who have experienced infertility, pregnancy loss, or infant death. Join other sisters in Christ who know the pain these experiences bring, and be encouraged together to look to Christ for hope and healing.

Location: Sheraton Cincinnati Airport Hotel, 2826 Terminal Drive, Hebron, KY 41048

Cost: $200 per person for event, hotel, and all meals. $65 per person local option for event and Friday dinner only.

Speaker: Ginger Garrett, author of several books, including Moments for Couples Who Long for Children and Beauty Secrets of the Bible.

The theme is "Beautiful in His Sight." Through worship, prayer, encouraging messages, various workshops, and fun & fellowship, we hope to strengthen our relationship with Christ and one another and be reminded that even though our bodies don't work the way they're "supposed to" and our lives are not turning out as we'd planned, we are precious and beautiful and loved by the Lord, and He has a great plan for our lives, whether He sends us children or not.

God brings beauty from the ashes in our journey!

For more information or to register, please visit Hannah's Prayer Ministries at http://www.Hannah.org