Tuesday, April 3, 2012

God Is In Control!

 From laughter yesterday to torrents of tears this morning, my emotions are so unstable and unpredictable! I am used to being relatively "in control" but God is showing me that I really have no control over anything. Its a painful lesson to learn, but an important one!

I used to think that "pain and suffering" was just a phrase people would use to try to get more money from the legal system. I am learning, by first-hand experience, that the emotional price is often even higher than that of physical losses. I don't think I will ever roll me eyes at true "pain and suffering" again.

Diana and I are having a wonderful visit. I pulled out all of yesterday's crocheting and gave it a second (and a third, and a forth) try. With my mom's help I finally figured out where I went wrong earlier and I ended up with a fairly respectable granny square before I grew too tired and put the yarn away this evening. Diana is making a beautiful blanket for Princess R. in all her favorite colors.

Rick worked another full day at the office today. I really missed him, even though Diana and my mom kept me busy! I am thankful he has a job and thankful his work has been so understanding during this season. God is slowly working healing in our marriage.Thank you for your continued prayers. We need them!

Sunday I was able to thank God for allowing the strokes for my first time. In many ways I feel God has given me a profound series of gifts and all the yucky stroke stuff just came along for a ride. My views on life and death have profoundly been impacted. There's much more here than I'm ready to publically  unpack, but I am thankful for these realizations and change in perspective. I still am having hard days, but God is gracious and faithful to redeem whatever is intended for evil!

It isn't a road I would chosen and I still find myself, like today, saying, "I can't believe I have been damaged by strokes, " or simply, "I can't believe I've had a stroke!" Sometimes my thoughts add on "....at my age," sometimes I am just surprised to be so disabled at all! I feel different inside than I realize I look or act outside. I still hate to hear my slow, slurred words as I talk. I've decided to generally avoid mirrors or videos for a while, as I look very different from the way I picture myself. I like my mental pictures much better than reality! The experience has changed me dramatically, and yet I am still very much the same person I have always been.

My heart has been with M. and R. today as they held a viewing for their 10-years-awaited daughter. I know they would appreciate your continued prayer as they face the heartache of a funeral service tomorrow and live all the future days to come without their precious child! Abi's twin died earlier in the year (I think December?) and she was born (a few weeks early and underwent heart surgery just days after birth) only last week. Abi touched hundred of lives through a Facebook prayer group. She went Home on Saturday. I feel both great joy at the peace she is now living and much heartache when I think of M. and R., who only tasted parenthood under the stress on a hospital and crisis circumstances, and are now left with empty arms yet again.

I was asked to please pray for R. who was recently hospitalized with an enlarged heart and possible mild heart attack. And for A. who is battling depression after several years fighting cancer. Would you please join me?

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