In Darkness Sing

It is still very much a work in progress. I'm not sure how it is all going to pan out, but my goal is to streamline my multiple blogs into one, eventually under the domain name my husband purchased for me back at Christmas of 2012, and I'm slowly training my brain to figure out actually use, jennifersaake.com (so try that if the following link eventually stops working for you).

For tonight allow me to introduce you to my new page I've designed without any help (though it has taken me 2 full years to figure out - stroke brain is no joke!), using the WordPress platform, In Darkness Sing.

My first post is live (I think, I hope!) at Why "In Darkness Sing"? [edited to add new link 3/18/18] and I would so very greatly appreciate any and all feedback, or reports of spelling errors, typos, broken links, or other technical glitches, you can provide. Thanks!

2015 and 2016 Word

I introduced my word of the year for 2016, marriage, over on my stroke blog, in a post titled Divorce last night. In recap of my 2015 word, Sing, I thought it would do me good to write an overview post of 2015.

I wasn't real sure what impact of Sing would look like, but I originally chose it based on this quote:

"Hope is like a bird that senses the dawn and carefully starts to sing while it is still dark." - Unknown

I think 2015 was, indeed, a year of cautious hope emerging, as characterized by steps like posting a public resume to "put myself back out there" to be contacted for public speaking and such.

My own voice is still not strong nor on key, but is certainly improved enough over the past year that I often find myself singing around the house now, when no one else is around.  Our daughter took grand prize in a local talent show this past year and won a free year of weekly music lessons as a result!

2014 contest. I couldn't find her picture from 2015 where she won.

My hair has grown a LOT, but this was also the year, mid-year, when I decided that in addition to headcovering for spiritual reasons, I would also adopt the purely personal/cultural choice of no longer wearing my hair loose in public, saving it for my husband's viewing. Nothing to do with my faith, just a personal gift from me to him, so this as as "down" as you see it now:

In thinking through skills gained this past year, it is such slow progress now that I rarely see day-to-day changes, but one big-picture change that has happened since last year is that this was the first year I was able to wrap Christmas gifts since the strokes! Singing indeed!!! Thanks to my husband's wisdom, I did not accept a single Christmas party invitation this year and did not put up a traditional tree (this little "wall tree" is 3 feet high, flat the back side, hangs from a single hook, and took well under 5 minutes to totally set up. Because it was such a low-stress, low-energy December, and with the slow gains added over the past year, I was able to work on a couple of presents each day, over the course of several weeks, and even though I don't have enough fine motor dexterity to type with both hands, I was able to wrap each of these presents, all by myself!

With my kids' help, I also manged to make 3 double batches of my great-grandmother's cranberry bread (one of the double batches was both wheat-free and egg-free and turned out very dense, so one of the skills I need to work on for 2016 is better taste and texture in allergy-safe cooking) that I used to make as Christmas gifts every year before the strokes. We also made a quadruple batch of chocolate peanut-butter balls. (I know that this could be adapted to be top 8 allergy safe by using a different nut or seed butter, but surprisingly actual peanut butter works with the unique needs of our family!) Turn a strokie, a 12-year-old and a 9-year-old loose in a kitchen, add late night hours (we started early in the evening but it took hour so was very late when we ended!), and it was a recipe for MESS and hilarity!!! But we managed. We did it! :D

I'm call Christmas 2015 my "cranberry Christmas." Not only did I make cranberry bread again (see it pictured on the cooling rack to the left), but my gifts seemed to carry a beautiful color theme - a cranberry-colored tea kettle from my in-laws, a set of three bakeware stones from my kids and a large Pampered Chef stoneware that was cranberry glazed from my hubby. :) (My parents got me a pair of earrings and 2 sweatshirts that aren't pictured because they aren't this color.) :)

Kendra, I thought you would enjoy seeing my butterfly corners. :)

Edited to add: (I forgot to mention that a large part of 2015 revolved around tummy pain, surgeries and recovery. Glad to leave that behind in last year!

I also went #WheatFree this past fall and have lost nearly 20 pounds since mid September. Now to see if I can loose 20 more and KEEP it off this year!

New Year

I survived my kidney stone and life is returning to a somewhat normal routine, other than the fact that my mom now has 3 kidney stones and is scheduled for surgery on the 9th! Life is never dull!

 

 

A new year ahead of us. This is my new word of the year and why.

 

 

  

I'm running a Pampered Chef party for the next week, to help a friend. Please feel free to join us!

 



A dear friend of mine, Holley Gerth, is launching a new blogging challenge every Wednesday this year called Coffee for Your Heart. I don't want to make this a priority over the book I hope to submit to a publisher this year, but I am hoping to do a few of these, probably mostly here at InfertilityMom but maybe a few over on Stroke of Grace.

 

As we close out one year and head into the next, I want to say that the biggest blessing, thus far, to come from these strokes has been some beautiful friendships, both brand new and deepened ones. At first it seemed the strokes had taken away or weakened a lot of close relationships in my life. This week I've been reflecting on new and deeper friendships God has blessed me with since and directly because of the strokes! To so many, thank you!!!

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! 2 Corinthians 5:17

 

Spring Cleaning this Winter

I missed posting here yesterday. Not bad as my first miss all month! I didn't get a chance to post here, but I did blog about my Thanksgiving over at Stroke of Grace if you feel blog-deprived. ;)

Today's  #NHBPM prompt is to, "Clean out your fridge or closet in written form. What’s in there? How does it reflect your personality?"

I hope to be cleaning out my real clothes closet early next year. First I want to finish re-organizing the kitchen to make it more user friendly with my new limitations (thanks Kathy and Mom!), then I want to sort through and get rid of about half of my Christmas stuff (was already a planned goal for last fall, pre-stroke - maybe I will have to bump that goal off to next year again?), then I have a two-car garage stacked full of boxes (things that were packed away while I was in the hospital) to tackle and sort as I gain the mobility to be out there more often. Oh, and very first, I need to sort through and organize my bathroom since I still can't find many of the things I'm looking for in there. Maybe by the time I ever get to my closet, I will have lost another clothing size or two and actually be able to fit into more of the clothes hanging in there!

OK, so thinking just about my closet. If you look in, the primary impression you would first get is a variation of shades of the color pink, shades of blue, green and turquoise close behind, with a few purples and a yellow or two scattered here and there. No, I'm not trying to host a baby shower in there, these just happen to be my predominant colors of preference.

Next, you would discover quite a range in sizes, from my big clothes to sentimental ones that were hopelessly (even pre-stroke) too small to ever dream of ever wearing again. You would find a few formals that were hand-sewn in the 1930-1950s and worn by my grandmother (I have re-worn most of them, to special occasions) and a few cotton dresses and blouses, hand-embroidered, and worn by my own mother in her teens and 20s, a couple from her high school years in Spain. You would find a couple outfits from our honeymoon years and LOTS of great thrift store and yard sale (many with designer labels) or Khol's/ Walmart / Target finds, purchased by me for pennies on the dollar. And you would find my hat collection, ranging from vintage, internet orders to modern day pricier gifts that have been given to me.

And you would find about 20 pair of shoes, only one pair I can really wear now and a couple of others I could possibly wear with great caution. I have a feeling this will be my most emotional cleaning project as I admit my limitations and say a permanent farewell to styles I will likely never safely wear again.

My side of the closet is also home to gifts we are collecting to give at Christmas and birthdays. So with this growing pile, I know I can't get in there and do a decent sorting until well into next year anyway.

The things I'm most ready to get rid of are the dozen undershirts I had to wear the first several months home from the hospital, when I could not properly dress myself. I will be thrilled to see those gone and never need to look at them again!

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Today I am thankful for both abundance and simplicity! "Stuff" is overwhelming. The number of things I plan to get rid of as I sort through what I really need and can care for or use, I am embarrassed to think that my trash would be another's treasure. Many people, around the world, don't even own the types or amount of things I hope to get rid of as my "extras." I am blessed, indeed.

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First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss

Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache

Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace

Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness

New School Year

We are half way through week 4 of Exploring Countries and Cultures. I'm finding a few concept that I just can't wrap my brain around, but thankfully the teacher's book plans it out so well, that all 4 of us are learning! This has got to be my best form of therapy ever, and I truly don't think our kids are lacking as a result. They seem to be thriving, educationally, and in pretty much every area. Mostly, schooling is going surprisingly smoothly, especially now that I'm more mobile (mostly walking with a cane, as of last week)! The biggest challenge is getting solid school time with all my therapy and doctors' appointment, surgeries, tests, and such. We have yet to have an uninterrupted school week, and still we are staying on schedule. God is good!


Emotionally, the kids (and us, their parents) are still processing all that has happened over this past year, the realities of last school year, and being apart for nearly 8 months, the permanent changes in our lives. I would say we have had more tears in the past month that in any prior entire school year. I can only imagine how much harder it would be if they had to leave the house to school away from home every day, again this year! They are so thankful to be home, and so am I. It is a process, but we are making it. Thank you for your much-needed, ongoing prayers.

The kids are taking the next few days to go with Rick's parents to see cousins and just enjoy being kids. Their other cousin (one of the sons of my brother) is down visiting and staying with my parents (half a mile away) this month, so they are having all kinds of cousin reunions. I'm praying to handle them being gone well, emotionally, since this will be their first time away from home for overnight (except when I was recovery from surgery) since they have been back home. I'm so excited for them, just want to be able to put my fears to rest and put logic behind my emotions for me.

R. has come up with some exceptionally cute statements lately. I'm sad I didn't share them as she said them and now can't remember what she's said.

P. S. R was released for her foot last Friday and can't wait to go swimming!

New School Year

We started school a week ago with a 6th grader, 2nd grader, and 4 1/2 year old dipping his toes into K (we usually do K and 1st over a 3-year span). We are sticking with our tried and beloved My Father's World program that we've used since the 6th grader started K, along with Math U See. In January we will also be adding Rosetta Stone Spanish to the mix. The kids and I have set a goal to memorize the entire book of James this year. Emotionally I'm very excited about the new year! Physically, I'm really dragging and would appreciate your prayers for strength and grace.

It's going to be a busy year for our kids. Our older two are entering First Lego League robotics competitions for the first time (hubby will be managing most of their involvement in this program), we'll have homeschol co-op (2 hours on Thursday afternoons, my one planned weekly outing outside of church, usually accomplished in a wheel chair), AWANAs (the kids are going with a friend to their church on Wednesday nights, so no transportation required of me this year), and our church is launching Pioneer Clubs (every other Tuesday night). It is so hard to find the balance between being a hands-on mom who doesn't want to miss these quickly passing moments of my kids growing up years, and doing what I need to do for myself and my health. I'm so thankful for friends who help along the way. I've only got one chance at this mothering thing and I so yearn to do it well, but it's so hard when I'm always so sick.

Outside of kid activities, I'm helping our pastor's wife organize a pregnancy/ infant loss remembrance event sometime around Oct. 15. I'm also still traveling back and forth to Stanford for medical treatment and am hopeful I may be pulled into local clinical trials sometime later this fall or winter. And painfully slowly, I'm continuing to make baby steps of progress on my book on the life of Paul and living with chronic pain/illness.

Lord, please give us your strength to keep in all in balance, to your glory, this year! I'm so weak and weary...

Save $ As You Save (or Strengthen) Your Marriage!

Last April, Rick and I were blessed to attend a Family Life Weekend to Remember. I never blogged much about it because there was SO MUCH to process after that amazing weekend that I could never organize my thoughts well enough to do the experience blogging justice. Then so much more life happened as all our medical news unfolded over the following months, that my plans to share more about the treasured weekend kept getting pushed to the back burner. To say it was a worthwhile weekend is such an understatement, but I can say that if you have an opportunity to attend one, please do what it takes to make it happen.

I know the economy is tight and no one is thrilled to be spending money right now. The registration rate is $129 per person ($258/couple) for the conference itself (this does not include the price of lodging) so yes, this is an investment, but one that you will look back on as a marriage landmark for many years to come. I assure you that it is worth the sacrifice to go! Because we believe so passionately in this ministry, Rick and I have signed up to lead a "group" and can offer an $80 discount (making registration $178 per couple) to anyone who registers for a conference using our group page at http://www.familylife.com/groups/saake or by simply using the group name "Saake" as your discount code when you register from the main Family Life website.

But wait, it gets better! Yes, said in my best infomercial voice. ;) From January 4-18, 2010, when you register at the regular rate of $129 for one of you, you spouse comes free! Simply register for any upcoming Spring or Fall Weekend to Remember using the promotion code "INVITE" and go for half price, only $129 for the two of you! Please spread the news. This weekend truly might improve or even save your marriage and/or the relationship of someone you encourage to attend.



Note to my friends facing infertility or loss:
When we attended, there were many references to parenthood presented throughout the weekend, especially during the 1-hour Sunday morning breakout sessions where husbands meet in one room and wives meet in another (and motherhood and fatherhood are parts of the topics addressed). It is, however, clearly a marriage weekend (and for many, marriage does include parenthood) not a parenting conference, so I would encourage you to prayerfully consider risking your heart to try to glean the things of value while being prepared to let the things that don't currently apply to your situation go by. I was pleasantly delighted to spot Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss on the book resource tables and have heard from several readers that they first found Hannah's Hope at a Family Life weekend, so the organization does strive to be sensitive to our pain.

They also offer feedback forms that can be filled out at the end of the weekend and I used mine to thank them for providing testimonies from couples who had endured fertility challenges and loss and to voice a reminder that not all marriages lead to parenthood, so you might wish to leave similar comments if any portions of the weekend are painful from the fertility perspective. Realizing the makeup of each weekend will differ by location and speaker panel, I would still encourage you to risk putting fertility heartache on the back burner for a weekend to focus on falling in love more deeply with your husband!

New Year Tears

It's one of those days when I just don't know what's wrong with me. I cried myself to sleep last night, snapped at my family first thing this morning, then went back to bed and cried some more. I had pictured a beautiful, quiet family day as we welcomed in the new year and instead I'm making my family walk on egg shells. I know I'm over-tired. I know stress over medical news (and lack of other long-awaited news) is really getting to me.

I also know that the attacker (I refuse to capitalize references to the old snake) would love nothing more than to steal away the joy I've just been posting about. And so today I'm starting this year in tears, but also seeking after the Lord and asking Him to work His peace in my heart! I would love to have you visit my prior post and share with me your God-sized dreams for this new year.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, he trusts in you." (Isaiah 26:3, NIV)

God Sized Dreams

(In)Courage is asking, "What are your God-sized dreams for 2010?" I've had so many God-sized answers over the years - a loving husband, three living miracle babies, dear friendships, a beautiful home, a minivan in our driveway, and now a new laptop in my hands. I feel so blessed. It feels sort of "greedy" to ask for more, and yet, God delights in giving good gifts to His children, so I am invited to ask.

But what would God have me ask? These things (beyond the blessings or family and investing in relationships) are so external. Yes, they matter to me and because they matter to me, they matter to God. But with a God-sized answer at stake, shouldn't I be asking God sized questions? Lord, what would YOU have me dream for this new year?

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."
Psalm 37:4 (NIV)

This past year God taught me about joy and I look forward to continuing this learning adventure in 2010! Some of my heart's desires for 2010, ones that feel quite God-sized from where I sit, include ongoing progress toward prevention of, treatment for, and (dare I hope?) even a cure for XMRV / Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, an illness that has imprinted itself over my entire adult life. I would also love to see God's continued unfolding of what He would have me learn about the life of Paul and his "thorn in the flesh" as He prepares my heart to write a book on living with chronic pain and illness.

I love to see my children thrive in their homeschooling and pray that I can be "fully there" in the teaching/learning process with them this year. I pray to be a blessing to husband, a "helper suitable" as God has given my the great joy of serving by his side. But most of all, my God sized dream is...



...Something I will be making a matter of prayer these next couple of days. I honestly don't know what God would have me seek and dream for the year ahead. It's a thrilling prospect, a horizon of hope, a fresh start, a new beginning. Lord, please help me to gracefully and willingly let go of the "fluff," the things that get in my way of seeking hard after You, the things that so easily entangle me. Instead, please replace all that stands in Your way of blessing me with the prefect gifts You long to shower upon me. Please fill my heart with Your dreams for me and allow me to delight in You as You fulfill them!

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."
James 1:17 (NIV)

Edited Jan. 1 to add that after a couple of days of prayer and reflection, the dream I'm seeking from the Lord this year ultimately seems to boil down to the single word, "peace". No, I'm not talking stereotypical beauty-pageant plea for "world peace," but rather the inner quieting and stilling of my heart to rest in the Lord through the unknown ahead.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
Psalm 139:23-24 (NIV)