Posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy loss. Show all posts
Saturday, March 18, 2017
When Others Remember My Babies
Tee, thank you for remembering our babies in Heaven and honoring them today!
Friday, August 19, 2016
Memories and Deals
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| Thinking of Noel Alexis Saake, Hannah Rose Saake, and Joel Samuel Saake, today and always. |
People ask me, "What's your sign?" For years I didn't know the answer because I do not believe in the Zodiac. I've had enough people inform me over the years that I now know I'm classified as a "leo" but I would much rather claim the Lion of Judah, the Creator of all constellations, as the Answer to why I have the unique personality traits He has given me. - Jennifer Saake
By one book, get on half off at Family Christian Stores right now!
Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss sells there for $14.99. That means you could by it for just $7.50 if you are buying any other book there!
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| http://www.lillarose.biz/innerbeauty |
I pretty much am a Lilla Rose hair consultant for personal purchases (tired of plastic jaw clips - wanted something that held all day and looked beautiful - very low cost business to join, only $29 in purchases and/or sales required PER YEAR to stay active!), but there's a sale going on right now that's too good NOT to share. Basically you get consultant-type discounts without even being a consultant. (And if you buy from my link, I won't object to earning a little commission check for having shared this very limited time sale with you either.)
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| http://www.lillarose.biz/innerbeauty |
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| http://www.lillarose.biz/innerbeauty |
Monday, December 29, 2014
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Please Help Name My Domain?
Monday, April 28, 2014
Movie Review - Heaven is For Real
We went to see Heaven is for Real yesterday. We rarely ever go to a theater, but I really wanted to see this one and not wait. I wasn't sure how I would handle it due to my own near-death experience - http://strokeofgrace.blogspot.com/p/blog-page_9.html , but the movie really left me kind of deflated, thinking, "This little boy experienced the greatest thing ever and that's all they have to say about it!"
Personally, I thought the book was better. The movie was pretty good, in as far as it went, but left me feeling really sad that anyone who goes to it seeking real answers will leave with an "I'm OK, you are OK" type message without any true hope. Praying that God might use this topic as a springboard to open doors so we can share true Hope, but the movie itself doesn't give real answers AT ALL. :( As a friend said, "Hollywood had it grip on it in a few sections and one could leave there thinking the gates to Heaven are not narrow - that everyone gets through..which is very sad." As the little boy said of Heaven, my favorite line of the movie and oh so true, "It is just MORE!"
As one reviewer wrote on their Facebook page, "It was a great movie!! Loved every bit of it! Although they left out the most important thing...how to get to Heaven! Ephesians 2:8-9 "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." With that being said it is by faith we get to heaven not by good works...think they could have went into more detail of how to get to Heaven because that is the most important! Accepting Jesus Christ into your life is the only way to get to Heaven!"
The reason I am putting my review on this page is because the theme of miscarriage is woven throughout the whole movie. As you may know, I no longer really miss my miscarried babies very often at all now (something I never thought I would dream of saying!) but actually am rather jealous of them now. (http://strokeofgrace.blogspot.com/2013/10/impressions.html offers more of my personal thoughts on Heaven including input from a few of our HP sisters, and the topic of miscarriage is addressed.) Still, while I am really peaceful now about Noel, Joel and Hannah, it was hard to relive the raw emotions of actual loss experiences through this movie.
--- Specific plotline spoilers below ----
One of the early scenes of the movie involves the mom pulling a pink and blue box out of her bottom drawer of her dresser, opening it and sadly, lovingly looking at a little pink dress and little blue knit outfit. There are no words to tell you what's happening, but it is fairly clear she is grieving.
Later, there is a new baby girl born into their church and she gives that little girl her daughter's dress. The other mother does not know the backstory, but the evident of the emotional cost to Mrs. Burpe is evident.
There are at least two more scenes that specifically refer back to the dress later in the movie.
During one scene from Heaven, a little girl who looks remarkable like his living sister, only a little younger, walks up and embraces our main character.
A few scenes later, the little boy (it is driving me crazy that I can't remember his name right now!) is folding socks with his mom and tells her, in great detail, all about his second sister who died in her tummy (they had never known sex nor told the children about her miscarriage which had happened even before his conception).
He made a statement that she didn't have a name because they had never given her one, a fact that his parents confirmed as they had not known the sex of the child she lost. This disturbed me a bit as I believe that God will give us each a new name in Heaven anyway, so not naming a child here on earth wouldn't leave our children nameless. Then I thought about the fact that God was communicating to this 4-year-old in terms he could comprehend and his parents would grasp, so from the earthly perspective, yes it is true that she had no name.
It was at this point in the movie where the mother, who had been skeptical and thought it all a thinking her son's imagination is just over-active, is rendered to tears and really starts taking her son's account seriously.
In true Hollywood form, the closing seen of the movie is a sickly sweet pregnancy announcement where the wife takes the miscarriage memorial blue outfit and gives it to her husband, telling him they will be needing it in a few months. *gag* And yes, they did have another living son who is now a pre-teen. Very happy for them with the joy of their rainbow baby in real life, just could have done without the Hollywood spin!
Personally, I thought the book was better. The movie was pretty good, in as far as it went, but left me feeling really sad that anyone who goes to it seeking real answers will leave with an "I'm OK, you are OK" type message without any true hope. Praying that God might use this topic as a springboard to open doors so we can share true Hope, but the movie itself doesn't give real answers AT ALL. :( As a friend said, "Hollywood had it grip on it in a few sections and one could leave there thinking the gates to Heaven are not narrow - that everyone gets through..which is very sad." As the little boy said of Heaven, my favorite line of the movie and oh so true, "It is just MORE!"
The reason I am putting my review on this page is because the theme of miscarriage is woven throughout the whole movie. As you may know, I no longer really miss my miscarried babies very often at all now (something I never thought I would dream of saying!) but actually am rather jealous of them now. (http://strokeofgrace.blogspot.com/2013/10/impressions.html offers more of my personal thoughts on Heaven including input from a few of our HP sisters, and the topic of miscarriage is addressed.) Still, while I am really peaceful now about Noel, Joel and Hannah, it was hard to relive the raw emotions of actual loss experiences through this movie.
--- Specific plotline spoilers below ----
One of the early scenes of the movie involves the mom pulling a pink and blue box out of her bottom drawer of her dresser, opening it and sadly, lovingly looking at a little pink dress and little blue knit outfit. There are no words to tell you what's happening, but it is fairly clear she is grieving.
Later, there is a new baby girl born into their church and she gives that little girl her daughter's dress. The other mother does not know the backstory, but the evident of the emotional cost to Mrs. Burpe is evident.
There are at least two more scenes that specifically refer back to the dress later in the movie.
During one scene from Heaven, a little girl who looks remarkable like his living sister, only a little younger, walks up and embraces our main character.
A few scenes later, the little boy (it is driving me crazy that I can't remember his name right now!) is folding socks with his mom and tells her, in great detail, all about his second sister who died in her tummy (they had never known sex nor told the children about her miscarriage which had happened even before his conception).
He made a statement that she didn't have a name because they had never given her one, a fact that his parents confirmed as they had not known the sex of the child she lost. This disturbed me a bit as I believe that God will give us each a new name in Heaven anyway, so not naming a child here on earth wouldn't leave our children nameless. Then I thought about the fact that God was communicating to this 4-year-old in terms he could comprehend and his parents would grasp, so from the earthly perspective, yes it is true that she had no name.
It was at this point in the movie where the mother, who had been skeptical and thought it all a thinking her son's imagination is just over-active, is rendered to tears and really starts taking her son's account seriously.
In true Hollywood form, the closing seen of the movie is a sickly sweet pregnancy announcement where the wife takes the miscarriage memorial blue outfit and gives it to her husband, telling him they will be needing it in a few months. *gag* And yes, they did have another living son who is now a pre-teen. Very happy for them with the joy of their rainbow baby in real life, just could have done without the Hollywood spin!
Monday, September 2, 2013
18 Years
18 years ago, I was due to have been in labor with our firstborn on Labor Day. Really not sad at the memory now, just strange to think of how different our lives could have been. I think I would still be grieving pretty strongly, if it weren't for this event that so profoundly changed my perspective. Knowing Noel knows nothing but Glory, I am eager to meet her again some day.
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| Pintrest |
Here's an update about our vacation fun this weekend. :)
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Bedroom and a Beta
What a week!
We have been working all summer to clean out our old school room and transform it into our older son's own bedroom before he starts his first semester of high school on Aug. 12! (Still no word on our daughter's acceptance into 5th grade at the charter school, so this is a matter of ongoing prayer!) I'll be listing a bunch of curriculum for sale soon, in a separate post.
I would show you pictures of the bedroom transformation, thus far, but both of our cameras have died over the past six weeks or so. (Until I figure out how to get still pictures or video from my cell phone camera to the computer, I guess this is the end of therapy videos over at Stroke Of Grace for a while!)
This weekend my parents-in-law spent an entire afternoon helping us to paint the new bedroom. I was rather unsure about our son's color choices, but now that it is up on the walls, I do have to admit he has an eye for design.
My dad has rebuilt a bookshelf, and other than repairing a desk leg, buying a box spring, and setting up the bed frame, his new room is nearing move-in ready and should be good to go before our deadline. :)
We faced a family "tragedy" on Monday. Our daughter's beloved birthday Beta fish went belly up. The tears we uncontrollable. It was very strange and draining for me to try to offer emotional support to our girl when my own emotional processing center is still so terribly messed up. She sobbed and my heart broke for her, but try as I might, I could not bring about the release of my own tears.
Bless her heart, she choked out, "When I hunt an animal, it never hurts like this!" Being her first real taste of the sting of grief (Thank you, Lord, for protecting her from a much more traumatic loss 20 months ago!), it turned out to be a good jumping block to talk about her older siblings lost to miscarriage. She agreed that she was thankful we were only facing Rainbow the fish's death, not a human child, but it still hurt because of love invested.
A new bright orange goldfish, named Ella, and an African aquatic frog, named Lilly, are now happily swimming in her fish bowl and her shattered heart is mending and learning to love again. Thank you to her Daddy for canceling plans on Monday night to come home and love on our girl!
We have been working all summer to clean out our old school room and transform it into our older son's own bedroom before he starts his first semester of high school on Aug. 12! (Still no word on our daughter's acceptance into 5th grade at the charter school, so this is a matter of ongoing prayer!) I'll be listing a bunch of curriculum for sale soon, in a separate post.
I would show you pictures of the bedroom transformation, thus far, but both of our cameras have died over the past six weeks or so. (Until I figure out how to get still pictures or video from my cell phone camera to the computer, I guess this is the end of therapy videos over at Stroke Of Grace for a while!)
This weekend my parents-in-law spent an entire afternoon helping us to paint the new bedroom. I was rather unsure about our son's color choices, but now that it is up on the walls, I do have to admit he has an eye for design.
My dad has rebuilt a bookshelf, and other than repairing a desk leg, buying a box spring, and setting up the bed frame, his new room is nearing move-in ready and should be good to go before our deadline. :)
We faced a family "tragedy" on Monday. Our daughter's beloved birthday Beta fish went belly up. The tears we uncontrollable. It was very strange and draining for me to try to offer emotional support to our girl when my own emotional processing center is still so terribly messed up. She sobbed and my heart broke for her, but try as I might, I could not bring about the release of my own tears.
Bless her heart, she choked out, "When I hunt an animal, it never hurts like this!" Being her first real taste of the sting of grief (Thank you, Lord, for protecting her from a much more traumatic loss 20 months ago!), it turned out to be a good jumping block to talk about her older siblings lost to miscarriage. She agreed that she was thankful we were only facing Rainbow the fish's death, not a human child, but it still hurt because of love invested.
A new bright orange goldfish, named Ella, and an African aquatic frog, named Lilly, are now happily swimming in her fish bowl and her shattered heart is mending and learning to love again. Thank you to her Daddy for canceling plans on Monday night to come home and love on our girl!
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Mother's Day
I started writing on my stroke blog today, what I thought would be just a stroke recovery update. But as is typical of this after-infertility-mom, my thoughts quickly turned to Mother's Day. Read here and be sure to catch the open letter to pastors at the end!
Thursday, December 13, 2012
HH on Sale!
Hannah's Hope is currently on reduced price on the NavPress website. I don't know for how long, but right now it is $8.99 rather than the $14.99 list price! https://www.navpress.com/product/9781576836545/Hannahs-Hope-Jennifer-Saake
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Communities and Comments
Today's #NHBPM prompt asks me to share advice for dealing with negative feedback in my community.
I've been blessed by surprisingly little negative feedback over the years, so I don't know that I have much advice to offer. The one gem I can pass on, isn't even original with me. It is basically, "This is my blog, so if you don't have anything nice to say and we can't resolve legitimate concerns, I still have the power of veto here if you choose just be be ugly or unreasonable in comments." This one piece of advice has been very freeing for me, to realize that freedom of speech does not prevent me from freedom of moderation over my own comments. Censorship is still not something I take lightly or use with abandon, but if a public confrontation cannot be resolved, I'm not tied to continuing to publicly leave derogatory, attacking, or offensive replies live on my own website.
Since I don't have much else useful to offer on the topic, I thought I would take this opportunity to introduce you to some healing communities, both "mine" and others.
For infertility and loss at any time from conception through early infancy, there is a message board forum I helped launch years ago. Hannah's Prayer has far outgrown me and I can claim little ownership or input any more, but it will always hold a very special place in my heart. It is so much more than a "fertility forum" and really is the first resource I turn to for parenting after infertility resources, or just about any information in life, and really is my first source of breaking world news, shared from an international perspective. This world-wide community of Christian sisterhood is amazing and usually new posts have replies within minutes, day or night. It is well-worth you time investment of a few hours or days to get your (simple) registration approved to gain access! I feel like I need a t-shirt that reads, "Everything I've learned in life I've learned from my HP sisters."
I know it isn't exclusively infertility related ,and I haven't used the resource nearly as much as I could, but I feel I should give an "honorable mention" shout out to HysterSisters here, for women contemplating or undergoing hysterectomy. Another honorable mention is SoulCysters for women with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCO). Endometriosis Support should receive a shout out too. Be Not Afraid is the first place I direct parents when they face the negative prenatal diagnosis of a child. And if someone is threatening to miscarry or unsure about medical prognosis in early pregnancy, I direct them to Misdiagnosed Miscarriage for equal doses of hope and medical realism. My own book on infertility also has a blog at Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss.
For chronic pain or illness (I have yet to find a great resource specific to ME/CFS. Anyone know of one?) my go to resource is Rest Ministries. I had no hand in the formation of this organization, but see founder, Lisa Copen, as a dear friend as we have been through the growing pains of starting young internet ministries together. The primary difference is that Lisa has maintained nearly sole leadership and day-to-day management of RM, while I have been blessed to pass daily operations of HP off to a fantastic Board of Directors. I honestly don't know how Lisa does what she does, all the while battling her own physical challenges as well as family management and creating amazing ministry resources, from blog posts, to videos, to forums, to social media participation. My own offerings to this community are two manuscripts in progress, Harvesting Hope from Heartache and Given Me a Thorn.
A stroke community I have recently found to be helpful is StrokeNet. I have only been attending there a couple of weeks, so far, so I can't tell you much about history or background yet, but so far I have really appreciated the stories and understanding found there. I am also sharing my unfolding stroke journey (and hope to eventually also write a book under the same title) at Stroke of Grace.
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Today I am thankful for the internet and the ability to connect with thousands of folks facing similar struggles, people I would never meet off line! Does anyone have a copy of the poem about "my best friends live in my computer"? I would like to post that here!
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First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss
Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache
Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace
Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness
First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss
Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache
Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace
Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Body Three, Spirit Two
Today #NHBPM prompt is, "Write a letter to your health."
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:34
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
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Today I am thankful for my amazing husband, who has been though so much the past several years, yet continues to choose me. Happy birthday!
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First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss
Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache
Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace
Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness
Dear Body,
I know you are only a shell for the real me. Overall, I am trying to keep this in perspective. God gave you to me for service and I want to get to Heave having used you up to the best of my ability.
I know you are just a tool and I'm, overall, OK with that. The things you do to complicate my days on earth aren't fun, but I know are only temporary.
But there are days when I am overwhelmed by the reality that the cracking of a shell simply hurts. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and physically, it is crushing some days! There are times when I want to just say, "I'm done."
I'm only 40, yet I've already lived through three more major health issues than many people endure in a whole lifetime. It gets old sometimes. Even if only temporary, the trials feel so long and daunting, sometimes! If I've already managed so many big things in such a relatively short time, I don't even want to consider what might yet be coming!
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:34
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
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Today I am thankful for my amazing husband, who has been though so much the past several years, yet continues to choose me. Happy birthday!
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First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss
Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache
Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace
Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Waiting Room
Today #NHBPM prompt is, "Redesign a doctor’s office or hospital room."
I don't have a ton of clear memories of the hospital. It is a series of impressions and some distinct, individual memories. But my general impression was that everything was lacking in color. So, first of all, I would say, make sure there are some color splashes! A friend asked me what small gift she might consider taking to a nursing home. I did not hesitate to suggest bright flowers.
Second, I would say, make sure the room is bright and feels as non-claustrophobic as possible. I didn't have great views in the main hospital, a hospital roof and a brick wall, but at least I could see out my windows (I had severe double vision and couldn't really see out, but that;s not the hospital's fault). I have no idea what my ICU room's view was like and I couldn't describe the first room they brought me to in the main hospital, so I can only comment on the two I remember well enough.
My rehab hospital rooms (all three!) had huge picture windows, but they were unusable. Here is an excerpt description from my stroke blog: "I was in three different rooms at the rehab hospital and all threee had frosted windows, where they are contracted to hold prisoners in need on rehab, with no view of the outside world. At least I never had a sheriff station outside my door, though I did have a man burst into my room in the middle of one night. "Help! Help! It's a catastrophe. I can't find my clothes." I was still unable to even sit up in bed on my own, much less stand on my own two feet! You better believe, a semi naked man, at the foot of my bed in a wheel chair in the middle of the night, so disoriented that he had pulled out his own IV and couldn't understand that we were both in a hospital, certainly had me urgently pushing my nurse call button! I kind of wished I did have a guard outside my room at that point."
More from my upcoming book tells, "The windows were
blanked out. The opening part of the windows secured shut. While I
could sense the rising and setting of the sun, hear voices from
by-passers, and knew one of the rooms to be situated next to a lovely
courtyard, I could witness none of this from my bed. As I lay there,
day by day, staring at a darkened piece of glass, I tried to have
hope in the prospect that one day I would not only see, but breath,
that fresh air outside, for myself...
Very soft, gentle music (in a waiting room, the option to turn sound on and off in a hospital room) is important too. There is little more prone to grating at my nerves more than irritating waiting room music when I'm already feeling anxious about my health issues. I take that back, silence, punctuated by whirring, clicking or other sound effects (medical equipment from the practice, an old heating/cooling system, other building noises) is worse!
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Happy birthday (yesterday) to Susan, sister of my heart! <3 br="br">
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Today I am thankful that God is the one toward whom I entrust my future, not only eternally but for the days ordained for me on this earth.
---------------------------------------------
First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss
Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache
Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace
Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness
I don't have a ton of clear memories of the hospital. It is a series of impressions and some distinct, individual memories. But my general impression was that everything was lacking in color. So, first of all, I would say, make sure there are some color splashes! A friend asked me what small gift she might consider taking to a nursing home. I did not hesitate to suggest bright flowers.
Second, I would say, make sure the room is bright and feels as non-claustrophobic as possible. I didn't have great views in the main hospital, a hospital roof and a brick wall, but at least I could see out my windows (I had severe double vision and couldn't really see out, but that;s not the hospital's fault). I have no idea what my ICU room's view was like and I couldn't describe the first room they brought me to in the main hospital, so I can only comment on the two I remember well enough.
My rehab hospital rooms (all three!) had huge picture windows, but they were unusable. Here is an excerpt description from my stroke blog: "I was in three different rooms at the rehab hospital and all threee had frosted windows, where they are contracted to hold prisoners in need on rehab, with no view of the outside world. At least I never had a sheriff station outside my door, though I did have a man burst into my room in the middle of one night. "Help! Help! It's a catastrophe. I can't find my clothes." I was still unable to even sit up in bed on my own, much less stand on my own two feet! You better believe, a semi naked man, at the foot of my bed in a wheel chair in the middle of the night, so disoriented that he had pulled out his own IV and couldn't understand that we were both in a hospital, certainly had me urgently pushing my nurse call button! I kind of wished I did have a guard outside my room at that point."
"I think it is like
that with Heaven. We read descriptions and promises, but it is easy
to loose patience and real belief, that we will actually get there
some day. All we see are the often-dismal limitations of our
circumstances, the walls of this finite time line. If anyone asks, we
intellectually believe in the goodness of God and the glory of an
afterlife with Him, but it is no different than trying to look
through my inmate-frosted windows. We can say we believe that glory
awaits us down the hall and through the doors, but until we taste it
for ourselves, we only know in part and really have no concept of why
we are to patiently hold on with hope."
So how would I redesign a waiting room or hospital room? You would think after all the doctors I visit and nearly 2 month in at least 7 different hospital rooms, I would have more input, but my redesign ideas are pretty basic. In addition to what I've already mentioned (color and brightness/visibility) I would simply add that rooms should be rather modern in feel. I've sat in way too many dark, dingy-feeling, dated waiting rooms with carpet and/or wood paneling out of the 60s or 70s. This doesn't instill great confidence in the doctor I am about to meet! And while I love pastels, a waiting room out of the 80s decor isn't much more exciting. So a clean, bright, modern look is pretty important. Plants and flowers, especially live/fresh, or at least high quality silks (the kind you have to inspect and debate over its realness) are a nice touch too!Very soft, gentle music (in a waiting room, the option to turn sound on and off in a hospital room) is important too. There is little more prone to grating at my nerves more than irritating waiting room music when I'm already feeling anxious about my health issues. I take that back, silence, punctuated by whirring, clicking or other sound effects (medical equipment from the practice, an old heating/cooling system, other building noises) is worse!
---------------------------
Happy birthday (yesterday) to Susan, sister of my heart! <3 br="br">
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Today I am thankful that God is the one toward whom I entrust my future, not only eternally but for the days ordained for me on this earth.
I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior. –1 Timothy 2:1-3
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First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss
Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache
Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace
Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Why I Write
OK, so I've joined the National Health Blog Post Month (NHBPM 2012) where I'm striving to blog on health issues ever day for a month. #NHBPM If I miss a day here or there (I'm already a day behind in making my first post, because I joined a day after the challenge started) I'll try to post-date posts to the assigned day and still get caught up. I hope I manage all 30 posts this month! (Edited a month later to add, I didn't quite hit my goal, but here's why I'm OK with that and what I learned through the process!)
Today's theme is asking why I blog on health issues. Well, I guess, for me, it comes down to much of the information I've found over the years has been hard-won. I don't want other to struggle through the same journies without support, so I share what I've learned/am learning, in hopes that other find what they need to know, more easily and quickly!
I think my desire to "tell all" also reflects 1 Corinthians 13:12, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." I think my blogging is part of my desire to be "fully know," though only a poor reflection of heaven. I would love get to know you too, so please leave comments telling me about yourself!
Here, you will likely find posts ranging from addressing chronic pain/illness, to infertility and/or pregnancy loss, to my six strokes at age 39 (and subsequent battle for recovery, including many lasting health concerns and complications). I have been blessed with three living children (13 years in the waiting) so I might occasionally tell you a funny about their lives or our homeschooling journey too. I have published one book and am working on three more, so who knows what will come to mind as I respond to each daily blogging prompt!
Today's theme is asking why I blog on health issues. Well, I guess, for me, it comes down to much of the information I've found over the years has been hard-won. I don't want other to struggle through the same journies without support, so I share what I've learned/am learning, in hopes that other find what they need to know, more easily and quickly!
I think my desire to "tell all" also reflects 1 Corinthians 13:12, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." I think my blogging is part of my desire to be "fully know," though only a poor reflection of heaven. I would love get to know you too, so please leave comments telling me about yourself!
Here, you will likely find posts ranging from addressing chronic pain/illness, to infertility and/or pregnancy loss, to my six strokes at age 39 (and subsequent battle for recovery, including many lasting health concerns and complications). I have been blessed with three living children (13 years in the waiting) so I might occasionally tell you a funny about their lives or our homeschooling journey too. I have published one book and am working on three more, so who knows what will come to mind as I respond to each daily blogging prompt!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Mom Will Miss You
To put today's post in context, you probably should read the first few paragraphs of this post first.
Unless anyone has a living child, after loss, this might sound rather morbid, but it was humorous (especially after the fact, when I was relaying the story to my husband a couple of hours later) to me. Saturday, when I was having an emotional meltdown, one of the reasons I was crying was because it should have been about Noel's 17th birthday, had she actually been born near her due date. Actually I was crying more for me, thinking, "She got to go to Heaven and I didn't."
Our 6-year-old came up to me right as I was trying to stop crying and asked me what was wrong. I told him that it should have been his big sister's 17th birthday and I was missing her. Then our 9=year-old came up and asked what was wrong, so I told her the same thing. Because of the combined impact of the strokes and my tears, she couldn't understand my answer and asked her little brother to explain.
His explanation was, "Mom's going to miss you when you have your 17th birthday." I started giggling right through the tears. "Wrong big sister, Sweetheart."
Hard to believe we "would have" one starting her senior year of high school or first year of college this year! You are still loved and missed, Noel. I am so glad it wasn't our living daughter I was crying over this week, as I couldn't imagine living without any of the children we are so blessed to have in our lives today! But one child never "replaces" another and I still do miss Noel, Joel and Hannah too!
Unless anyone has a living child, after loss, this might sound rather morbid, but it was humorous (especially after the fact, when I was relaying the story to my husband a couple of hours later) to me. Saturday, when I was having an emotional meltdown, one of the reasons I was crying was because it should have been about Noel's 17th birthday, had she actually been born near her due date. Actually I was crying more for me, thinking, "She got to go to Heaven and I didn't."
Our 6-year-old came up to me right as I was trying to stop crying and asked me what was wrong. I told him that it should have been his big sister's 17th birthday and I was missing her. Then our 9=year-old came up and asked what was wrong, so I told her the same thing. Because of the combined impact of the strokes and my tears, she couldn't understand my answer and asked her little brother to explain.
His explanation was, "Mom's going to miss you when you have your 17th birthday." I started giggling right through the tears. "Wrong big sister, Sweetheart."
Hard to believe we "would have" one starting her senior year of high school or first year of college this year! You are still loved and missed, Noel. I am so glad it wasn't our living daughter I was crying over this week, as I couldn't imagine living without any of the children we are so blessed to have in our lives today! But one child never "replaces" another and I still do miss Noel, Joel and Hannah too!
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Spiritually Speaking
I find myself in a rather odd position of continually needing to encourage others and "defend God." I am just now starting to understand how my strokes shook others or made them angry with God. I've had several conversation in the last couple of weeks where I've found myself in the role of comforter.
I really don't mind, and I love each of these ladies fiercely, so I hurt that they hurt. It is just weird to be trying to explain what I can of God's plan while I'm still walking it for myself. I am not asking you not to share your hurts or questions or feeling with me or to "protect" me. I believe God has given me a gift of encouragement and it feels good to be used by Him. I'm just saying that it does feel strange, in a season when I lean so heavily on others, both emotionally and for the basic needs of life, that I still have something worthwhile to pour out to others!
Thankfully I have not been angry with God or even asking Him "Why?" too often (this time...I sure did through our infertility! And now I see that was only a training ground for the years to come - thank you God, even though both events strive to break my heart.) What I have been really struggling with is not knowing my earthly purpose, this side of the strokes.
Right now, I have lost my identity. I not a Mom. Marriage is rough, so I sure don't make a good Wife. I'm no longer my children,s school teacher. While I am in the process of writing again, years have slipped by since I last published a book. I can't situationally relate to most of the women I've invested my heart in, those actively struggling through infertility or loss today. I am no longer a licensed driver (I really didn't care for driving before but the loss now really frustrates me because I've lost much of my independence). Because of bodily limitations and transportation issue and even the ability to write with my hands to keep up relationships, friendships are neglected. I can't even scrub out a toilet, something I never thought I would long for so much!
I wondered why God sent me back to a significantly more limited and broken body when He could have easily taken me Home to unbrokenness and ultimate peace. It comes down to the basics of why we were created to populate this earth at all if our time here is just a fleeting moment and we are living only a "poor reflection" of eternity. Yesterday it hit me that we are primarily created for worship, to praise God, both here and for endless days to come. I can still do that, it's not contingent on the limitations of my body!
I'm not saying that I always worship or praise well, but it was a relief to realize it is really that simple! And that I still have a meaningful purpose even in my brokenness. Thank you, God, that in all things, you can redeem pain for glory and it doesn't take anything of value on my part!!
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18 (NIV, 1984)
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51:17 (NIV, 1984)
Be sure to visit "part 2" of this post, while you are here!
If you are struggling with the value of your own life, read this link called,"Finding Hope After Thinking About Suicide" or this one entitled,"I Forgot My Life was Not My Own".
I really don't mind, and I love each of these ladies fiercely, so I hurt that they hurt. It is just weird to be trying to explain what I can of God's plan while I'm still walking it for myself. I am not asking you not to share your hurts or questions or feeling with me or to "protect" me. I believe God has given me a gift of encouragement and it feels good to be used by Him. I'm just saying that it does feel strange, in a season when I lean so heavily on others, both emotionally and for the basic needs of life, that I still have something worthwhile to pour out to others!
Thankfully I have not been angry with God or even asking Him "Why?" too often (this time...I sure did through our infertility! And now I see that was only a training ground for the years to come - thank you God, even though both events strive to break my heart.) What I have been really struggling with is not knowing my earthly purpose, this side of the strokes.
Right now, I have lost my identity. I not a Mom. Marriage is rough, so I sure don't make a good Wife. I'm no longer my children,s school teacher. While I am in the process of writing again, years have slipped by since I last published a book. I can't situationally relate to most of the women I've invested my heart in, those actively struggling through infertility or loss today. I am no longer a licensed driver (I really didn't care for driving before but the loss now really frustrates me because I've lost much of my independence). Because of bodily limitations and transportation issue and even the ability to write with my hands to keep up relationships, friendships are neglected. I can't even scrub out a toilet, something I never thought I would long for so much!
I wondered why God sent me back to a significantly more limited and broken body when He could have easily taken me Home to unbrokenness and ultimate peace. It comes down to the basics of why we were created to populate this earth at all if our time here is just a fleeting moment and we are living only a "poor reflection" of eternity. Yesterday it hit me that we are primarily created for worship, to praise God, both here and for endless days to come. I can still do that, it's not contingent on the limitations of my body!
I'm not saying that I always worship or praise well, but it was a relief to realize it is really that simple! And that I still have a meaningful purpose even in my brokenness. Thank you, God, that in all things, you can redeem pain for glory and it doesn't take anything of value on my part!!
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18 (NIV, 1984)
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51:17 (NIV, 1984)
Be sure to visit "part 2" of this post, while you are here!
If you are struggling with the value of your own life, read this link called,"Finding Hope After Thinking About Suicide" or this one entitled,"I Forgot My Life was Not My Own".
Monday, March 19, 2012
12 Steps
Rick says there were several times my therapist let go for several steps today. I still walked like a drunk, but surprisingly better than last week. Rick took one video where my therapist let go of my belt for about a dozen steps! We hope to post to the video to Facebook (see previous post for links) later this week.
I'm still wearing 3-pound weights on both legs when I walk to help my brain understand my body's place in space. I am finally strong enough to wear 1 1/2-pound weights on my arms, on and off, here at home, for the same reason. My left hand continues to be rather non-functional
My left shoulder has acted up all week, so today in therapy, we skipped any machines or exercises that could irritate it or cause further inflammation and pain. I've had it explained to me that the shoulder isn't fully dislocating, but because of the muscle weakness, it does repeatedly slip partially out of its socket, thus causing pain to an otherwise mostly numb area of my body. It "popps" back into socket several times per day and that's painful when it happens, but ultimately brings some relief.
The only way to strengthen the shoulder is through specific exercises that I have to do several times per day, but most exercise aggravates and inflames the joint, bringing more pain and loss of mobility. It had calmed down for the few weeks I was out of therapy (between home health discharge and my first outpatient appointment), even though I was continuing with an exercise regiment here at home, but now that I'm doing home exercises on top of regular therapy, my shoulder is giving me plenty of trouble again.
If you are looking for a specific prayer focuses, we would appreciate real prayer for our marriage. We hope to celebrate 20 years of marriage this August, and though we've been through a lot of painful things (business loss, unemployment, infertility, recurrent miscarriages, several adoption losses, chronic illness, etc.) this outranks any experience we have yet faced. This has already been a long and painful trial and we know we have many more months or years of adjustments ahead of us before we can begin to find a "new normal."
Even if I do regain physical functions through God's re-wiring of my brain, there are six areas of my brain that are (barring God's miraculous invention) dead and cannot be recovered, so my cognitive process have been forever changed. That's hard for both of us to cope with. Although, Rick married me "for better or worse, in sickness and in health," this is a trial neither of us remotely imagined facing! God's power is our only hope or strength!
We would also appreciate your prayer for wisdom and unity in parenting. While we still haven't moved the kids back home full-time, this has been a painful growing season for every member of the family. We are finding parenthood to be more challenging than ever and know we desperately need God's guidance. Our kids are finding life to be full of surprising adjustments and challenges. This is one season where I'm especially thankful that Noel, Joel and Hannah never had to face any of the challenges of this broken world! Please keep J. (boy, age 12), R. (girl, age 9) and especially J-Bear (boy, age 6) in your ongoing prayers! I know God's purpose in this must include their lives in His holy plan, so I am learning to yield them in a way I never have before, but it is heartbreaking to watch them go through such deep struggles and be fully unable to fix anything or make the situation any easier.
Physically, besides longing for walking and seeing better (my new glasses will have to be exchanged, as they create a "blind spot" in my good eye), my TMJ remains my most ongoing and painful "thorn." My therapist works on my jaw about an hour per week and it the process is so painful I fear I will throw up on him (something my sweet husband has already endured) one of these days, from the intensity of the pain (and this said by a woman who has survived endometriosis and three unmediated labors). He says my jaw dislocation is very deep and we can't even begin to address the slipped disk in the jaw until he has re-adjusted me enough that the muscles relax enough to begin trying to move the disk back into place in the jaw joint. It is very strange to experience a numb left half of my mouth and feel such deep and profound pain in the left side of my face, my jaw joint, my lower jaw and my teeth!
Another couple thing that have really "gotten" to me this week are the finality of our sterility and my self-image. Before my strokes I had been praying about adopting another child. Even though it's been 3 1/2 years since my (medically necessary) hysterectomy, and though we've been abundantly blessed with living children, I still held out hope that "someday" (sooner rather than later) we would continue building our family through adoption. God had other plans. Instead of caring for a baby, I'm dependent on others to do my laundry, cook my meals and clean my house. The door feels firmly locked and bolted closed now. For the first time in a long time, seeing a sweet baby made me cry on Sunday and that familiar old ache was back in my heart. We've had three turns I thought we would never have, two after I had been told to expect a hysterectomy - I am so blessed! But it will never be again, and that finality is hard.
I keep another blog called Inner Beauty Girlz but I guess my message, that outer beauty is fleeting and that true beauty comes from Christ on the inside, is one I still need to learn! I started sobbing in church Sunday while everyone else sang, "You make everything glorious, and You made me!" I could only think of my brokenness, my chopped hair, my crazy eyes, my weight gain and my losses and inabilities. At that moment I could not think of Christ or who I am in Him, but only of my ugliness. I have voiced to several people that if only I were a baby or even a toddler I would be "cute" in my re-learning how to walk and move my body, but so far no one seems to really understand my self-loathing. Obviously, I am still really struggling with this.
My book on the fruit of the Spirit, is also coming along, like my physical healing, very slowly, but it is continuing to move forward. I'm asking the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom about what He would have me say about Himself and His work in our lives. Please join me in praying about this.
That's all I can think of to update for now, but it gives you a picture of where I'm at both emotionally and physically. Thank you, again, for your faithfulness in ongoing prayers! God is faithful and gracious and so good!!!
I'm still wearing 3-pound weights on both legs when I walk to help my brain understand my body's place in space. I am finally strong enough to wear 1 1/2-pound weights on my arms, on and off, here at home, for the same reason. My left hand continues to be rather non-functional
My left shoulder has acted up all week, so today in therapy, we skipped any machines or exercises that could irritate it or cause further inflammation and pain. I've had it explained to me that the shoulder isn't fully dislocating, but because of the muscle weakness, it does repeatedly slip partially out of its socket, thus causing pain to an otherwise mostly numb area of my body. It "popps" back into socket several times per day and that's painful when it happens, but ultimately brings some relief.
The only way to strengthen the shoulder is through specific exercises that I have to do several times per day, but most exercise aggravates and inflames the joint, bringing more pain and loss of mobility. It had calmed down for the few weeks I was out of therapy (between home health discharge and my first outpatient appointment), even though I was continuing with an exercise regiment here at home, but now that I'm doing home exercises on top of regular therapy, my shoulder is giving me plenty of trouble again.
If you are looking for a specific prayer focuses, we would appreciate real prayer for our marriage. We hope to celebrate 20 years of marriage this August, and though we've been through a lot of painful things (business loss, unemployment, infertility, recurrent miscarriages, several adoption losses, chronic illness, etc.) this outranks any experience we have yet faced. This has already been a long and painful trial and we know we have many more months or years of adjustments ahead of us before we can begin to find a "new normal."
Even if I do regain physical functions through God's re-wiring of my brain, there are six areas of my brain that are (barring God's miraculous invention) dead and cannot be recovered, so my cognitive process have been forever changed. That's hard for both of us to cope with. Although, Rick married me "for better or worse, in sickness and in health," this is a trial neither of us remotely imagined facing! God's power is our only hope or strength!
We would also appreciate your prayer for wisdom and unity in parenting. While we still haven't moved the kids back home full-time, this has been a painful growing season for every member of the family. We are finding parenthood to be more challenging than ever and know we desperately need God's guidance. Our kids are finding life to be full of surprising adjustments and challenges. This is one season where I'm especially thankful that Noel, Joel and Hannah never had to face any of the challenges of this broken world! Please keep J. (boy, age 12), R. (girl, age 9) and especially J-Bear (boy, age 6) in your ongoing prayers! I know God's purpose in this must include their lives in His holy plan, so I am learning to yield them in a way I never have before, but it is heartbreaking to watch them go through such deep struggles and be fully unable to fix anything or make the situation any easier.
Physically, besides longing for walking and seeing better (my new glasses will have to be exchanged, as they create a "blind spot" in my good eye), my TMJ remains my most ongoing and painful "thorn." My therapist works on my jaw about an hour per week and it the process is so painful I fear I will throw up on him (something my sweet husband has already endured) one of these days, from the intensity of the pain (and this said by a woman who has survived endometriosis and three unmediated labors). He says my jaw dislocation is very deep and we can't even begin to address the slipped disk in the jaw until he has re-adjusted me enough that the muscles relax enough to begin trying to move the disk back into place in the jaw joint. It is very strange to experience a numb left half of my mouth and feel such deep and profound pain in the left side of my face, my jaw joint, my lower jaw and my teeth!
Another couple thing that have really "gotten" to me this week are the finality of our sterility and my self-image. Before my strokes I had been praying about adopting another child. Even though it's been 3 1/2 years since my (medically necessary) hysterectomy, and though we've been abundantly blessed with living children, I still held out hope that "someday" (sooner rather than later) we would continue building our family through adoption. God had other plans. Instead of caring for a baby, I'm dependent on others to do my laundry, cook my meals and clean my house. The door feels firmly locked and bolted closed now. For the first time in a long time, seeing a sweet baby made me cry on Sunday and that familiar old ache was back in my heart. We've had three turns I thought we would never have, two after I had been told to expect a hysterectomy - I am so blessed! But it will never be again, and that finality is hard.
I keep another blog called Inner Beauty Girlz but I guess my message, that outer beauty is fleeting and that true beauty comes from Christ on the inside, is one I still need to learn! I started sobbing in church Sunday while everyone else sang, "You make everything glorious, and You made me!" I could only think of my brokenness, my chopped hair, my crazy eyes, my weight gain and my losses and inabilities. At that moment I could not think of Christ or who I am in Him, but only of my ugliness. I have voiced to several people that if only I were a baby or even a toddler I would be "cute" in my re-learning how to walk and move my body, but so far no one seems to really understand my self-loathing. Obviously, I am still really struggling with this.
My book on the fruit of the Spirit, is also coming along, like my physical healing, very slowly, but it is continuing to move forward. I'm asking the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom about what He would have me say about Himself and His work in our lives. Please join me in praying about this.
That's all I can think of to update for now, but it gives you a picture of where I'm at both emotionally and physically. Thank you, again, for your faithfulness in ongoing prayers! God is faithful and gracious and so good!!!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Weeks 5-8
Don't you love my consistent, weekly blogging technique? ;) May I make up for my lack of writing by sharing my my rose garden with you?
Since my last update, we have finished school weeks 5-8 of My Father's World in our 1850 to Modern Times year (year 5 of the 5 year cycle for those of you who are familiar with the program). We've covered states and capitals (they have the states down cold, but we still have a few capitals to get straight), Abraham Lincoln (Did you know Thanksgiving was established to thank God for Civil War victories?), the Civil War, and lots of great science activities.
Big J. and I read "Across Five Aprils" last month and now all of us are reading our way through the entire Little House on the Prairie (Laura Ingalls Wilder) series. We finished "On the Banks of Plumb Creek" last night and the kids are itching to start "By the Shores of Silver Lake" today. I don't want to get too far ahead in history with our reading as I love the way MFW paces reading suggestions to tie right into the history lessons, but I also never want to discourage my children from loving books, so we are reading pretty far ahead (and including a lot of extras as only two of the Little House books are directly scheduled into the year). This week we are talking about other world events that were happening at the same time as the U.S. Civil War.
J. Bear, or "Dimple Man" as I recently told him I should start calling him on the blog, is working hard on finishing Kindergarten so he's ready for 1st after Christmas, but he's already tagging along with his older brother and sister in much of what they do as well.
Princess R. (3rd grade) is making huge strides in reading! A few weeks back she struggled when letters were "too small" because reading was such hard work. Yesterday she brought me her Bible (small print!) and surprised me with, "Mom, I was reading this Proverb today and wanted to share it with you..." Then she flawlessly read me the entire verse and struck up a conversation about it. :) We are doing some math review with the Princess to really make sure her foundations there are strong before moving forward again, and Dimple Man (K) is trying to keep up with her review, even though it's first/second grade level. The sibling competitive spirit is an interesting dynamic to watch unfold as they each challenge one another to do their best.
I am greatly looking forward to having all three of them together on the same core program (obviously with age appropriate adjustments for each child) doing Exploring Countries and Cultures next year before Big J. (now in 7th) heads on into high school the year after next. Time is marching forward so quickly!
A couple of weeks ago the boys had a special day out with their Dad at the local water park while Princess R. and I enjoyed a Mommy and Daughter day. We baked cupcakes, did craft projects, and had a dolly tea party.
I actually forgot all about my planned culmination of the day, giving R. her Laylie Colbert A Life of Faith doll (I was able to pick her up on close-out pricing a few years ago, before the company retired the doll line), a wonderful companion for her as she starts "Meet Addy" in an America Girl glass at homeschool co-op this Thursday. I don't think R. minded too much that I forgot that day because she was a totally out-of-the-blue surprise yesterday. R. said, "Mommy, it feels so strange to get an amazing gift like this in the middle of the year!" :)
In addition the the doll class, R. will be taking an acting class (also based on American Girl history stories) and ballet. Big J. is taking a cooking around the world class, watercolor, and a class my Dad, Ralph Camp, is teaching on Biblical Hermeneutics (the art and science of interpreting literature). J. Bear will be taking self-defense, a world cultures class, and a preschool class that while possibly a bit too "easy" was the best choice for his attention span given the other possible selections offered that hour. I think my silly boy will need some time for snacks, play and run-around between his two more attention-demanding classes, don't you? (This picture captures his personality perfectly.)
And one more time, I have to share my beautiful roses. This garden is a gift from my husband, and planted in dedication of all our children, both these three living miracles and all their siblings in Heaven. Our oldest, Noel Alexis, was due just to be born 16 years ago, earlier this month.
Since my last update, we have finished school weeks 5-8 of My Father's World in our 1850 to Modern Times year (year 5 of the 5 year cycle for those of you who are familiar with the program). We've covered states and capitals (they have the states down cold, but we still have a few capitals to get straight), Abraham Lincoln (Did you know Thanksgiving was established to thank God for Civil War victories?), the Civil War, and lots of great science activities.
Big J. and I read "Across Five Aprils" last month and now all of us are reading our way through the entire Little House on the Prairie (Laura Ingalls Wilder) series. We finished "On the Banks of Plumb Creek" last night and the kids are itching to start "By the Shores of Silver Lake" today. I don't want to get too far ahead in history with our reading as I love the way MFW paces reading suggestions to tie right into the history lessons, but I also never want to discourage my children from loving books, so we are reading pretty far ahead (and including a lot of extras as only two of the Little House books are directly scheduled into the year). This week we are talking about other world events that were happening at the same time as the U.S. Civil War.
J. Bear, or "Dimple Man" as I recently told him I should start calling him on the blog, is working hard on finishing Kindergarten so he's ready for 1st after Christmas, but he's already tagging along with his older brother and sister in much of what they do as well.
Princess R. (3rd grade) is making huge strides in reading! A few weeks back she struggled when letters were "too small" because reading was such hard work. Yesterday she brought me her Bible (small print!) and surprised me with, "Mom, I was reading this Proverb today and wanted to share it with you..." Then she flawlessly read me the entire verse and struck up a conversation about it. :) We are doing some math review with the Princess to really make sure her foundations there are strong before moving forward again, and Dimple Man (K) is trying to keep up with her review, even though it's first/second grade level. The sibling competitive spirit is an interesting dynamic to watch unfold as they each challenge one another to do their best.
I am greatly looking forward to having all three of them together on the same core program (obviously with age appropriate adjustments for each child) doing Exploring Countries and Cultures next year before Big J. (now in 7th) heads on into high school the year after next. Time is marching forward so quickly!
A couple of weeks ago the boys had a special day out with their Dad at the local water park while Princess R. and I enjoyed a Mommy and Daughter day. We baked cupcakes, did craft projects, and had a dolly tea party.
I actually forgot all about my planned culmination of the day, giving R. her Laylie Colbert A Life of Faith doll (I was able to pick her up on close-out pricing a few years ago, before the company retired the doll line), a wonderful companion for her as she starts "Meet Addy" in an America Girl glass at homeschool co-op this Thursday. I don't think R. minded too much that I forgot that day because she was a totally out-of-the-blue surprise yesterday. R. said, "Mommy, it feels so strange to get an amazing gift like this in the middle of the year!" :)
In addition the the doll class, R. will be taking an acting class (also based on American Girl history stories) and ballet. Big J. is taking a cooking around the world class, watercolor, and a class my Dad, Ralph Camp, is teaching on Biblical Hermeneutics (the art and science of interpreting literature). J. Bear will be taking self-defense, a world cultures class, and a preschool class that while possibly a bit too "easy" was the best choice for his attention span given the other possible selections offered that hour. I think my silly boy will need some time for snacks, play and run-around between his two more attention-demanding classes, don't you? (This picture captures his personality perfectly.)
And one more time, I have to share my beautiful roses. This garden is a gift from my husband, and planted in dedication of all our children, both these three living miracles and all their siblings in Heaven. Our oldest, Noel Alexis, was due just to be born 16 years ago, earlier this month.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Through Another Mother's Day
I always feel like I've survived an emotional marathon just getting through another Mother's Day. I guess it's one of the lasting emotional "scars" that infertility has left me as it's legacy. I am so very thankful to be a mom, but the journey here was brutal! I have three precious miracles here and I hug them fiercely as I blink back tears of gratitude.
Every Mother's Day I am reminded so very keenly that others are hurting and grieving still. Each year more and more of my friends are called to face MD without their own moms and my heart aches for them as well, though I'm thankful that the ache comes yet without personal understanding. I have at least three more precious babies who kissed my womb all too briefly before flying to Heaven. No one can ever "replace" another, so while I'm thankful beyond words for the three here, Mother's Day hurts for the three There too.
The ins, outs, ups, downs, joy and grief associated with motherhood play round and round in my mind, leaving me exhausted this time of year. So today I want to step away from all those swirling emotions and simply celebrate the gift of my own mom. Betty Camp has been selected as a top 5 finalist for the first ever "Fibromyalgia Mom of the Year" award for the way she has supported and encouraged me through decades of chronic illness, while enduring her own battle against Fibromyalgia.
Would you please join me in celebrating her selflessness by reading Mom's story and giving it a 5-star rating? Public vote is open through today, with the grand prize winner (competing for a $7,000 medical treatment package!) announced this coming Thursday, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day. I would love to be able to give my mom the gift of this grand prize as a small gift of thanks of all she has sacrificed for me through the years.
Every Mother's Day I am reminded so very keenly that others are hurting and grieving still. Each year more and more of my friends are called to face MD without their own moms and my heart aches for them as well, though I'm thankful that the ache comes yet without personal understanding. I have at least three more precious babies who kissed my womb all too briefly before flying to Heaven. No one can ever "replace" another, so while I'm thankful beyond words for the three here, Mother's Day hurts for the three There too.
The ins, outs, ups, downs, joy and grief associated with motherhood play round and round in my mind, leaving me exhausted this time of year. So today I want to step away from all those swirling emotions and simply celebrate the gift of my own mom. Betty Camp has been selected as a top 5 finalist for the first ever "Fibromyalgia Mom of the Year" award for the way she has supported and encouraged me through decades of chronic illness, while enduring her own battle against Fibromyalgia.
Would you please join me in celebrating her selflessness by reading Mom's story and giving it a 5-star rating? Public vote is open through today, with the grand prize winner (competing for a $7,000 medical treatment package!) announced this coming Thursday, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day. I would love to be able to give my mom the gift of this grand prize as a small gift of thanks of all she has sacrificed for me through the years.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Held
I'm very blessed to be part of a new project, a blogging community just for Christian women facing infertility or loss, along with those who love us. If you are journeying through emotional pain surrounding the growth of your family, or if you love someone who is, please come join us at Held, the brand new blogging arm of Hannah's Prayer Ministries.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Tipping the Scales
I was one of those teens who struggled to MAINTAIN over the 100 pound mark. I could eat anything and everything I wanted. When I got sick with CFS (we now know to actually be the retrovirus XMRV) at age 18, I basically stopped eating. Bacon bits, cottage cheese and tomatoes were the only things I could choke down for months. Then I discovered an equation I called, "food equals energy" and relied on high calorie snacks to give me momentary blood sugar boosts just to get through the next task in survival mode.
I gained 40 pounds in less than 2 years, only to discover a month before my wedding that there was no possible way I could fit in my wedding dress! :yikes: We bought a new dress, got married, my weight settled in around 143 and within six months we jumped onto the roller coaster of infertility charting and then Clomid. I managed to stay just under 150 (having gained nearly half of my prior body weight!) over the next six years but it was a hard struggle. Finally, I got on Metfomin to address insulin resistance (IR) that went hand in hand with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and was thrilled to watch 20 pounds melt off over the next three months!!!
I was and even more thrilled to learn we were pregnant as a result of IUI and injectables that third cycle! The thinking at that time (nearly 12 years ago) was that Metformin should be stopped when pregnancy was confirmed, so I stopped it the day I got my positive result. I was VERY sick (throwing up 20-30 times per day from week 7 on through most of the pregnancy) and lost 12 pounds before I could start gaining anything, weighing just 6 pounds over my starting pregnancy weight the day I went into labor. Our son nursed for 19 months and I continually gained weight that entire postpartum time.
I think I ended up right back at the 143-145 mark by that point. I don't know why I didn't get started on Metformin again at that point, but I didn't. We went on to have two more miscarriages. Eventually I did get back on Metformin and this time dropped over 30 pound in 10 months and started ovulating consistently without other fertility meds!
I had another laparoscopy, lasting nearly 4 hours when the doctor had only anticipated 45 minutes, and was told I would need to come back for another surgery in 3-6 months to remove at least one tube and ovary. I was told there was less than 5% chance of ever conceiving again even with the help of medical aid and that if by some miracle I could possibly conceive, I would never carry another baby to full term due to multiple uterine issues.
My first ovulatory cycle after surgery, God proved the doctors wrong! And though the pregnancy was scary (preterm contractions started at 25 weeks) God brought our daughter to healthy, full-term birth 8 years ago last week. I gained 18 pounds with this pregnancy and kept right on gaining through 2 years of breastfeeding and postpartum depression.
I'm thinking I was around the 150 mark by the time all was said and done this time. I did get back on Metformin but for the first time my weight didn't budge. :( It didn't go down, but I tried to console myself with the fact that at least it didn't go up any further either.
After 13 years, 3 miscarriage, 7 adoption losses, 2 living miracles, multiple surgeries, meds, and so much more, God totally surprised us with yet another son, born the week of our daughter's 3rd birthday! Preterm contractions started at 19 weeks this time (by God's grace he was only born a month early) and while I wasn't nearly as sick as I had been with our first, I again dropped several pounds before I could start gaining and was just 6 pounds over starting pregnancy weight on the morning of his birth. The same pattern of ongoing weight gain happened over the next year and a half of breastfeeding.
Again I found myself parked right around 143-145 pounds, as seemed to be my body's natural landing spot whenever PCO and IR went unaddressed medically, and now sometime tipping up to around 150. I did get back on Metfomin again briefly, but by now my body was totally burned out. The hysterectomy I had been told to expect before my 30th birthday could be held off no longer and 2 1/2 years ago, at age 36, 10 weeks worth of heavy bleeding that would not respond to medical intervention led to knowing it was time to write the final chapter of our infertility story.
Though I kept one ovary, my broken uterus had to go. It was especially hard as my trusted ob/gyn moved out of state a week before all the bleeding started and I had to go through these decisions and surgery with a doctor who I had only just met. He immediately took me back off Metformin saying that since I was no longer rying to conceive, there was no reason for me to stay on Metformin. I argued that as long as I still had an ovary, I still have PCOS (and really, even if the ovary were gone, PCOS's long-term impact should still be addressed) but he wasn't in agreement. As a result I began packing on weight like never before. The girl who struggled to maintain 100 pounds was now to 160 by last Christmas (2009) and a pound shy of breaking the 170 mark this Christmas!
Due XMRV my physical ability to exercise is almost non-existent. I use a wheel chair most times I leave the house because of my inability even to stand for any length of time. I cannot walk to my own mail box at the end of our street. I eat lots of fruits, veggies, lean meat, but I do crave sugar and carbs and while I'm typically fairly careful here, once I get started on sweets, I tend to binge. I try to make good food choices overall, but the weight kept piling on anyway. You may remember my post about Seeking Contentment with Great Gain gain from last July. To me Metformin was the only answer but none of my doctors would budge.
Finally, this past October, I started some new medications for the CFS (after trying IVs and all kinds of other things these past couple of year) and that actually seems to be helping. The meds even list weight GAIN as a common side effect, but I believe my body was fighting so hard just against illness that it couldn't let go of weight. Now that I have some help for my battered immune system, I'm dropping about 4 pounds per month (down a total of 15 pounds since October).
Now that I have some momentum, I'm wanting to make even better food choices. On my doctors orders, and by God's strength alone (sure not in my power!), I now in my 12th day off of processed sugars!!! My doctor told me in no uncertain terms a couple of weeks ago that "cutting back" on sugar isn't OK, that I need to cut it OUT all together. This has been a hard battle as sugar has remained my security blanket through all the ups and downs with weight and health crisis in general. I read this week that sugar is as addictive as cocaine! But God's giving me victories every day, like being able to joyfully say, "No thank you" when offered birthday cake for both of our youngest living miracles this past week. It's an exciting process even if it is a moment-by-moment battle.
Thanks to the kindness of my sweet friend Veronica, I just started reading Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food by Lysa Terkeurst. (I don't know how long the offer will last, but a 21-day companion devotional called Craving God is FREE as an Amazon Kindle download today! If you don't have a Kindle, you can download a free ebook reader from Amazon as well.) I know Made to Crave is the right book God sent me at the right time. It's not a diet program, it's a Bible study on heart issues and replacing food cravings with a deeper relationship with the Lord.
I'm at 154 pounds right now. My goal weight for my height and bone build is 125ish, so 15 down and about 30 pounds left to shed to be at a more healthy weight. I've been as low as 113 (nearly 9 years ago, just before conceiving our daughter) and I know that was TOO thin, but I know myself well enough to know I could be tempted to try to get even below that 125 mark. Being hopefully optimistic that I can continue loosing weight this time simply by addressing significant health issues and continuing to make wiser health choices, I want to be accountable that I don't let myself drop that low again either. Thanks for walking with me through this journey. I'm praying that God will help me stop this yo-yo once and for all!
I gained 40 pounds in less than 2 years, only to discover a month before my wedding that there was no possible way I could fit in my wedding dress! :yikes: We bought a new dress, got married, my weight settled in around 143 and within six months we jumped onto the roller coaster of infertility charting and then Clomid. I managed to stay just under 150 (having gained nearly half of my prior body weight!) over the next six years but it was a hard struggle. Finally, I got on Metfomin to address insulin resistance (IR) that went hand in hand with polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and was thrilled to watch 20 pounds melt off over the next three months!!!
I was and even more thrilled to learn we were pregnant as a result of IUI and injectables that third cycle! The thinking at that time (nearly 12 years ago) was that Metformin should be stopped when pregnancy was confirmed, so I stopped it the day I got my positive result. I was VERY sick (throwing up 20-30 times per day from week 7 on through most of the pregnancy) and lost 12 pounds before I could start gaining anything, weighing just 6 pounds over my starting pregnancy weight the day I went into labor. Our son nursed for 19 months and I continually gained weight that entire postpartum time.
I think I ended up right back at the 143-145 mark by that point. I don't know why I didn't get started on Metformin again at that point, but I didn't. We went on to have two more miscarriages. Eventually I did get back on Metformin and this time dropped over 30 pound in 10 months and started ovulating consistently without other fertility meds!
I had another laparoscopy, lasting nearly 4 hours when the doctor had only anticipated 45 minutes, and was told I would need to come back for another surgery in 3-6 months to remove at least one tube and ovary. I was told there was less than 5% chance of ever conceiving again even with the help of medical aid and that if by some miracle I could possibly conceive, I would never carry another baby to full term due to multiple uterine issues.
My first ovulatory cycle after surgery, God proved the doctors wrong! And though the pregnancy was scary (preterm contractions started at 25 weeks) God brought our daughter to healthy, full-term birth 8 years ago last week. I gained 18 pounds with this pregnancy and kept right on gaining through 2 years of breastfeeding and postpartum depression.
I'm thinking I was around the 150 mark by the time all was said and done this time. I did get back on Metformin but for the first time my weight didn't budge. :( It didn't go down, but I tried to console myself with the fact that at least it didn't go up any further either.
After 13 years, 3 miscarriage, 7 adoption losses, 2 living miracles, multiple surgeries, meds, and so much more, God totally surprised us with yet another son, born the week of our daughter's 3rd birthday! Preterm contractions started at 19 weeks this time (by God's grace he was only born a month early) and while I wasn't nearly as sick as I had been with our first, I again dropped several pounds before I could start gaining and was just 6 pounds over starting pregnancy weight on the morning of his birth. The same pattern of ongoing weight gain happened over the next year and a half of breastfeeding.
Again I found myself parked right around 143-145 pounds, as seemed to be my body's natural landing spot whenever PCO and IR went unaddressed medically, and now sometime tipping up to around 150. I did get back on Metfomin again briefly, but by now my body was totally burned out. The hysterectomy I had been told to expect before my 30th birthday could be held off no longer and 2 1/2 years ago, at age 36, 10 weeks worth of heavy bleeding that would not respond to medical intervention led to knowing it was time to write the final chapter of our infertility story.
Though I kept one ovary, my broken uterus had to go. It was especially hard as my trusted ob/gyn moved out of state a week before all the bleeding started and I had to go through these decisions and surgery with a doctor who I had only just met. He immediately took me back off Metformin saying that since I was no longer rying to conceive, there was no reason for me to stay on Metformin. I argued that as long as I still had an ovary, I still have PCOS (and really, even if the ovary were gone, PCOS's long-term impact should still be addressed) but he wasn't in agreement. As a result I began packing on weight like never before. The girl who struggled to maintain 100 pounds was now to 160 by last Christmas (2009) and a pound shy of breaking the 170 mark this Christmas!
Due XMRV my physical ability to exercise is almost non-existent. I use a wheel chair most times I leave the house because of my inability even to stand for any length of time. I cannot walk to my own mail box at the end of our street. I eat lots of fruits, veggies, lean meat, but I do crave sugar and carbs and while I'm typically fairly careful here, once I get started on sweets, I tend to binge. I try to make good food choices overall, but the weight kept piling on anyway. You may remember my post about Seeking Contentment with Great Gain gain from last July. To me Metformin was the only answer but none of my doctors would budge.
Finally, this past October, I started some new medications for the CFS (after trying IVs and all kinds of other things these past couple of year) and that actually seems to be helping. The meds even list weight GAIN as a common side effect, but I believe my body was fighting so hard just against illness that it couldn't let go of weight. Now that I have some help for my battered immune system, I'm dropping about 4 pounds per month (down a total of 15 pounds since October).
Now that I have some momentum, I'm wanting to make even better food choices. On my doctors orders, and by God's strength alone (sure not in my power!), I now in my 12th day off of processed sugars!!! My doctor told me in no uncertain terms a couple of weeks ago that "cutting back" on sugar isn't OK, that I need to cut it OUT all together. This has been a hard battle as sugar has remained my security blanket through all the ups and downs with weight and health crisis in general. I read this week that sugar is as addictive as cocaine! But God's giving me victories every day, like being able to joyfully say, "No thank you" when offered birthday cake for both of our youngest living miracles this past week. It's an exciting process even if it is a moment-by-moment battle.
Thanks to the kindness of my sweet friend Veronica, I just started reading Made to Crave: Satisfying Your Deepest Desire with God, Not Food by Lysa Terkeurst. (I don't know how long the offer will last, but a 21-day companion devotional called Craving God is FREE as an Amazon Kindle download today! If you don't have a Kindle, you can download a free ebook reader from Amazon as well.) I know Made to Crave is the right book God sent me at the right time. It's not a diet program, it's a Bible study on heart issues and replacing food cravings with a deeper relationship with the Lord.
How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD Almighty! My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. - Psalm 84:1-2
I'm at 154 pounds right now. My goal weight for my height and bone build is 125ish, so 15 down and about 30 pounds left to shed to be at a more healthy weight. I've been as low as 113 (nearly 9 years ago, just before conceiving our daughter) and I know that was TOO thin, but I know myself well enough to know I could be tempted to try to get even below that 125 mark. Being hopefully optimistic that I can continue loosing weight this time simply by addressing significant health issues and continuing to make wiser health choices, I want to be accountable that I don't let myself drop that low again either. Thanks for walking with me through this journey. I'm praying that God will help me stop this yo-yo once and for all!
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