Broken

I haven't posted much about my health the last few weeks because I haven't been sure what to post. More of the boring same I guess. I feel yucky. My body (and sometimes my spirit as well) simply feels broken.

When we put the IVIG on hold for the month of December, I nievely presumed that I would find benefit when I went back to them in January, but the last three IVs, even spaced at two weeks apart rather than weekly, each seemed to progressively take more away from me than they gave. Our trip to Standford took a huge toll on me as well! I've hardly had a day since coming back when I haven't spent at least a portion of the day down hard in bed. I've had several weeks when I've only been out of bed one to four hours per day.

Homeschooling is progressing very slowly this year. Fortunately we all commented today how much we love to snuggle up in bed and read together - great thing because we are doing a LOT of that this year! I commented that snuggling in bed and reading together was my "favorite part of the day" and all the kids chimed in that it was their favorite time of our daily routine as well. How like God, to take the one thing I'm really good at these days (being in bed) and make it a source of joy for my family. :)

For the most part I'm leaving the house only to go to church on Sunday mornings and to get my kids to their homeschool co-op on Thursdays. Last week I had my dad take the kids to co-op. Rick's doing most of our grocery shopping and when I do go it's usually with my mom and using an electric cart. I'm becoming more and more dependant on my wheelchair outside the house and I can't remember the last time I was strong enough to walk to the end of our street to check the mail box. I was asked to share the opening Scripture reading and prayer at church yesterday morning and intentionally sat just a couple of rows from the front so I would have an easy walk, but made the mistake of closing my eyes for prayer and felt my knees buckle as I swayed into the microphone and nearly collapsed.

It's hard to say if it's a result of pushing through those last couple of IVs when my body was showing obvious signs of rejection (thus weakening me to the point where I couldn't fight off things) or if it is because I have now stopped the IVs all together (thus no longer being infused with the immunities of others), but over the past 2 1/2 weeks I've been fighting several different kinds of infections:
- a bladder infection (fluids and super-strength cranberry tablets)
- a systemic yeast infection (double dose of Dyflucan didn't touch it, so i'm on two weeks of Nystatin now, three times a day)
- a bacterial infection (localized antibiotic treatment in hopes of killing off the infection without feeding the yeast)
- a digestive virus (OTC)
- very sore throat, slightly stuffy nose and plugged ears (OTC)
- and as of last night, lovely white patches to accentuate my raw throat (don't know if they are fungal, bacterial or viral, and honestly don't have the energy to drag myself back to the doctor to find out right now)

Thankfully I am, so far, avoiding the nasty cough that's going around though! For this I am very thankful. I'm also still managing to avoid the nearly-daily fevers that I had prior to starting the IVs last summer, but I'm now struggling to maintain even a 97 degree body temperature, typically hovering around the 96 to 96.8 range these days. Don't even have any idea what to think about that? I'm cold most of the time, gaining weight rapidly, but my thyroid panel numbers are "beautiful".

Today I was having a pity-party day. :( I started off my morning with prayer and Scripture and thought I was going to make a positive day for my kids, but we didn't even make it through breakfast before I knew I was physically and emotionally in really bad shape. It's been a long day. satan's been feeding me lies and I've been clinging to the Truth like a drowning woman, but it truly felt like I was going to loose the battle today.

"Lord, I NEED answers!"
"I AM your answers."
"Oh yes, that's true. Thanks for the reminder."

30 seconds later, "Father, I can't do this!"
"I AM your strength."

"It's endless. I need a break!"
"Lean not on your own understanding. Trust me. Wait on me."

Just when I felt like I was going to explode, the phone rang. I almost didn't answer. I'm in no shape to talk to anyone. But God knew I needed a "Jesus with flesh on" in that moment and He prompted a friend who could relate on such a personal level to call at that very moment. I hate that she is hurting and struggling too, but I am so blessed that she took a moment to reach out, to speak Life and words of encouragement. To be an outside voice speaking Truth over me as she bathed my blistered heart in verses I needed to hear. Becky, thank you for living out 2 Corinthians 1:3-4:
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”

"The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
- Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
- Psalm 51:17