Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Wounding Words

I've said some really ugly things to my husband these past few weeks. Things that reflect some very ugly places in my heart, places where confusion and pain and grief and anger are all swirling and crashing as we try to learn and work through what XMRV means to our family, to parenthood, to marriage, to our lives. Grief is hard work, and because we are in very different places with our grief right now, I become fearful and fretful and angry. Like a carbonated bottle, shaken under pressure, I spew out words that shower those closest to me with anything other than graceful blessing.

I think I'm grasping for control in a situation that seems like it's much too far beyond our ability to begin to cope with. You would think by now I would have learned enough about the character of God and His ability and willingness to carry us that I wouldn't be scrambling so hard to hold tight to reigns that are cutting and blister my hands. Instead of leaning into Him, I'm lashing out, thrashing about, grasping hold of anything and everything, and like a downing woman dragging my husband right down under the waves with me.

If I can't control this then I guess I'm trying to control everything else, letting little fears and thoughts and irritations grow in mind until they are blow extraordinarily into grotesque disproportion. The result is to lash out, usually at Rick, and let him take the full force of my emotional explosion's fallout. :(

In my heart I am so thankful for him, so amazed at his gentleness and love. With my words I tear him down and dishonor him. I become obsessive and fearful and in my hurt, I hurt him over and over. I've sent verbal blows to the most personal levels and my heart aches for the pain I see in his eyes, weight I know I have added to his shoulders. Lord, when I want nothing more than to build him up, to bring joy to his heart, why do I continue to verbally shred him?

God's brought us through so much over the years, the loss of a business, the deaths of our babies, infertility, multiple moves, the ongoing ups and downs of health issues. He is, has always been, will always be FAITHFUL. But His faithfulness doesn't mean the journey never hurts.

Father, please show us how to walk this road together in your love that is patient and kind, not rude nor self-seeking, not easily angered nor score-keeping; areas I'm utterly failing at right now. Speak Your truth to our hearts Lord and please give me a heart that protects, trusts, hopes and perseveres because YOU never fail us!

And to the amazing man who stubbornly sticks by my side even when I test the steadfastness of his love by trying to push him away, please know that your sacrificial acts of love are not overlooked. While sometimes I turn a blind eye toward them (though I see far more than I praise you for), God always sees. I know this skit is from a woman's viewpoint, but I want you to know that you are anything but "invisible" even when my wounding words make you feel that way!


Jenny H said...

thank you for being transparent today. You are not alone. God is faithful. Praying for you today to find all that you asked Him for.
In His Grip,

Tina said...

I can only imagine that this diagnosis has been mind whirling!! Many hugs and prayers to you all!!