The Tummy

I faced "female problems" from my early teen years. Thirty years later, this picture was taken last week, a few days before my final hysterectomy, which will hopefully lay the consequences of a diseased reproductive system to rest once and for all!

You see, this was actually my second hysterectomy, going back to take my cervix, remaining ovary, and once again (as has been surgically required so many times over the past 20 years) clean out the mess and pain created by Endometriosis. I am 43 years old and dramatically entered menopause in full force last week.

There had been absolutely NO CHANCE of that belly hosting the life of a baby for nearly seven years since I had surgically said farewell to the body of my uterus and first ovary, yet to look at me, all bloated and inflamed, it would have been a common presumption to think I was well-along into pregnancy!

This got me thinking and reflection on our decade of active infertility. My tummy HAS looked like this before, sometimes, at least six in fact, from the hard-fought blessing of carrying a child within! For all those stretch marks, I am rewarded far beyond anything I had ever dared hope during our infertility years, with three living children in my home today, ages 15, 12 and 9. I do not take them for granted. I so wish I could have worn a t-shirt (or neon sign on my forehead) that read something like, "Don't hate me infertile friend. This baby has been 7 years in the making!" Just because I was finally pregnant, the feelings of infertility were not magically erased! I readily still related much more with the infertile word than the fertile one!

Our living miracles' known siblings who never got to come home would be 20, a likely twin of the 15-year-old, 14, and 13. I am ever so blessed that my womb was their entire earthly home, yet they are still missed! Pregnant tummy mis-speaking about the state of my fertility once again, in each of their cases.

More strangely, my tummy has looked like this before because of the very reality of not being able to conceive! Illness and swelling such as I just pictured , from Endometriosis or other reproductive illness, but also sometimes from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), in response to fertility drugs, fibroid tumors, and/or due ovarian hyper-stimulation! What insult, added to injury, to "look pregnant" simply because of whatever condition(s) is causing sub fertility in the first place!

So next time you see a "pregnant" woman, don't presume! Maybe she is. Maybe she isn't. Either way, there may be much more to her story than meets the eye. And to the lady I naively asked how far along you were, 20-some years ago, before I knew better, I'm still so very sorry for the tears I brought to your eyes that day. Please forgive me!

Late December 2014

A recap of recent days:

A week ago Friday I had a 2-hour interview with three sweet ladies from my hospital's publicity group, an hour of that on film with two big light and two cameras just a couple feet away from my face. That night I went out to hubby work Christmas party. I love playing dress up, though it does take a lot out of me.

Last Monday, two of those ladies met me at my new gym to film my water exercise class (had been on a two week trial membership there, with last Monday being the first day of the official new membership my in laws blessed me with for Christmas - what a way to make an entry, showing up with a film crew on my first day as a member! LOL). That afternoon my parents took us across town for an emergency orthodontic repair for our daughter.

Sunday was our 15-year-old's birthday. After dinner that night, I went out into the cold and learned about muscle "spasticity" on a whole new level. My hubby steadied me and helped me hobble to the car, thankfully avoiding the piggy-back-ride we actually considered.

The weekend through Wednesday morning found me madly cleaning, organizing, doing laundry, wrapping gifts (quite a trick with clumsy hands that can only master gift bagging but not tape scissors or wrap, or a long-enough term memory to even know what is in the bag I just packed before I get it half way from our bedroom to the tree - I only made one major blunder in forgetting my brother-in-laws gift at all, but I got to be as surprised as our kids were on Christmas morning as they unwrapped their gifts) and packing.

Tuesday night we attended a Christmas Eve-Eve service and I wore ear plugs (to help me be able to tolerate the neuro stimulation of the music. Even though I already have much hearing loss, what I do hear, I do not process correctly, thus cannot tolerate loud sounds without nausea and confusion and physical pain.) and Signed (because I could not hear myself sing) all the Christmas carols.

Early Wednesday afternoon (24th) we were all loaded in the car and headed to my in-laws' farm about an hour away.

Thursday, we spent with 11 family members and two bathrooms, later in the day, joined by an adopted sister and her friend as well. I was in bed around 8pm, both Wednesday and Thursday nights!

Friday was a rest and family games day. The 27th marked exactly 20 years since I learned my body not only disliked the idea of GETTING pregnant but that CARRYING a baby was to be equally as challenging. I'm still trying to unwrap all the emotions of miscarriage when mixed with a mother's earthly grief, longing and loneliness and the wonder my own near death experience and transformed understanding of Noel's Heavenly reality.

Saturday, we came home to piles and PILES of clean laundry to be sorted then all those Christmas blessings to get put into new homes. I also took my first shower since Wednesday one I had access to a shower chair and hand rails again.

Sunday was church, then roast left overs with in-laws and more games. About 4 more hours working on that clean laundry yesterday afternoon!

Today has been water therapy, my parents went and adopted a cat. And now to get dinner started.

Tomorrow night we are getting together with some dear friends, visiting back here from out of state. Their son was our 15-year-old's best buddy when they were 4 years old! Kathy is coming to help me un-decorate my tree tomorrow!

Insurance and some family medical testing feel like a yo-yo ride too. Not even planning to work on my book anymore until kids go back to school Jan. 8. I still haven't finished all that laundry putting away yet.

This past week, we did confirm my decision that I am going to cut a few inches off my hair. Not that I don't love the length it has finally reached, but because I cannot manage this length alone now. I want it to still brush my shoulders or come a little bit past, but I've got to be able to get a brush through it myself, something that I haven't been able to do in at least 6 or 8 weeks now since the length has become unmanageable.

Movie Review - Heaven is For Real

We went to see Heaven is for Real yesterday. We rarely ever go to a theater, but I really wanted to see this one and not wait. I wasn't sure how I would handle it due to my own near-death experience - http://strokeofgrace.blogspot.com/p/blog-page_9.html , but the movie really left me kind of deflated, thinking, "This little boy experienced the greatest thing ever and that's all they have to say about it!"

Personally, I thought the book was better. The movie was pretty good, in as far as it went, but left me feeling really sad that anyone who goes to it seeking real answers will leave with an "I'm OK, you are OK" type message without any true hope. Praying that God might use this topic as a springboard to open doors so we can share true Hope, but the movie itself doesn't give real answers AT ALL. :( As a friend said, "Hollywood had it grip on it in a few sections and one could leave there thinking the gates to Heaven are not narrow - that everyone gets through..which is very sad." As the little boy said of Heaven, my favorite line of the movie and oh so true, "It is just MORE!"

 

As one reviewer wrote on their Facebook page, "It was a great movie!! Loved every bit of it! Although they left out the most important thing...how to get to Heaven! Ephesians 2:8-9 "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast." With that being said it is by faith we get to heaven not by good works...think they could have went into more detail of how to get to Heaven because that is the most important! Accepting Jesus Christ into your life is the only way to get to Heaven!"

The reason I am putting my review on this page is because the theme of miscarriage is woven throughout the whole movie. As you may know, I no longer really miss my miscarried babies very often at all now (something I never thought I would dream of saying!) but actually am rather jealous of them now. (http://strokeofgrace.blogspot.com/2013/10/impressions.html offers  more of my personal thoughts on Heaven including input from a few of our HP sisters, and the topic of miscarriage is addressed.) Still, while I am really peaceful now about Noel, Joel and Hannah, it was hard to relive the raw emotions of actual loss experiences through this movie.

 

--- Specific plotline spoilers below ----

One of the early scenes of the movie involves the mom pulling a pink and blue box out of her bottom drawer of her dresser, opening it and sadly, lovingly looking at a little pink dress and little blue knit outfit. There are no words to tell you what's happening, but it is fairly clear she is grieving.

Later, there is a new baby girl born into their church and she gives that little girl her daughter's dress. The other mother does not know the backstory, but the evident of the emotional cost to Mrs. Burpe is evident.

There are at least two more scenes that specifically refer back to the dress later in the movie.

During one scene from Heaven, a little girl who looks remarkable like his living sister, only a little younger, walks up and embraces our main character.

A few scenes later, the little boy (it is driving me crazy that I can't remember his name right now!) is folding socks with his mom and tells her, in great detail, all about his second sister who died in her tummy (they had never known sex nor told the children about her miscarriage which had happened even before his conception).

He made a statement that she didn't have a name because they had never given her one, a fact that his parents confirmed as they had not known the sex of the child she lost. This disturbed me a bit as I believe that God will give us each a new name in Heaven anyway, so not naming a child here on earth wouldn't leave our children nameless. Then I thought about the fact that God was communicating to this 4-year-old in terms he could comprehend and his parents would grasp, so from the earthly perspective, yes it is true that she had no name.

It was at this point in the movie where the mother, who had been skeptical and thought it all a thinking her son's imagination is just over-active, is rendered to tears and really starts taking her son's account seriously.

In true Hollywood form, the closing seen of the movie is a sickly sweet pregnancy announcement where the wife takes the miscarriage memorial blue outfit and gives it to her husband, telling him they will be needing it in a few months. *gag* And yes, they did have another living son who is now a pre-teen. Very happy for them with the joy of their rainbow baby in real life, just could have done without the Hollywood spin!

When I Die

Today's  #NHBPM topic suggestion is “Write about what you want to happen to your blog/ community when you die."

Honestly, I realized how very little I care last year. My husband, my children (living or dead), my writing, my books, my blogs, Hannah's Prayer, none of it even remotely even crossed my mind or mattered anymore, in the moment where I actually came face to face with Eternity.

Later, my concern was for my husband, for my children, but I still don't remember much thought of any of the rest, from the hospital. From a more "grounded" perspective (as in, what mattered to me before and what matters now, from an earthly perspective), I'll try to answer this question from the light of believing how very much people matter and the resources I hope to leave available to others.

So what do I want to happen to your blog/ community when I die? I actually have no concern for the ongoing, long-term perpetuation of Hannah's Prayer. This ministry has far outgrown my narrow vision, long ago. God has raised up generations of faithful leadership there and I believe it may well continue well past my lifetime. I don't even have to be involved any more (I choose to because I am so very blessed by the ladies there) for one lady to reach out to the next and the cycle of blessing to keep unfolding.

I would like to think that as long as the information in it remains medically relevant (I intentionally addressed much more of the emotional and spiritual issues of infertility/loss, than the medical, in hopes of creating a more timeless resource) and/or HP continues to exist, that Hannah's Hope will remain in print. I well-remember what it was like to look for such resources and not be able to find them. I would like to think that such encouragement remains accessible for decades to come, though I know the book has already outlived the generally expected shelf-life of such a title.

Since I am currently in the process of writing 3 more books (I hope to start querying publishers for the first in December or January, though it took about 15 months for HH) I would also hope that each of these new projects have a long publication life as well. Each of their related blogs is listed below.

As for this very blog, I don't know there is much of long-term consequence here, other than one post of eternal significance that I would hope might be read at my funeral.

It is very strange writing about my own death, not having any idea if we are talking near future or many decades still away. It is kind of like a pregnancy due date, I have a general idea of what the normal expectation for my span may be, presuming all continues as anticipated, but I also know thing can happen prematurely or unexpectedly. If God wills to prolong my earthly days, I may well change perspective on some of these ideas, yet again. But no matter what happens, or when it happens, I want my loved one to rejoice with me that the only really important wish of mine has finally been fulfilled once I get to go Home. :)

Today I am thankful that this lifetime is so very insignificant in the span of Eternity!

 ---------------------------------------------
First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss

Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache

Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace

Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness

 
 

Singing of the Son

This is my second attempt at this post. I had it all written, live on my website, then was trying to edit in additional resources. Somehow I ended up, with a single slip of the hand (surprisingly, this hasn't happened often, regardless of my single-handedness in typing) and managed to wipe the entire post out, new edits, along with what was already here.

So I apologize that this post is several hours late and that is shorter than I would like. It's this or nothing at this point!

Today's  #NHBPM post is intended as, "a playlist for [my] health community."

I'm not going to recreate a list of ever song that has been comforting to me in the past 20+ years, through so many different experiences, but one song that has been very meaningful to me this past year is Your Hands.

 
Today I'm jumping off the challenge theme suggestion and instead sharing several songs that are connected to the Heaven experience I shared yesterday.

This is the song I first used to explain what I felt when I told my mom.

Some of these specific videos aren't selected for the musical (or voice) quality or style, but for the lyrics and photography or artwork.

Heaven Came Down

Shine Jesus Shine

 
If the Son sets you Free...

I have more to add, but want to get these posted before I loose them again!

Another video and more thoughts on When I Die.

Amazing Grace (My Chains Are Gone)

Reformer

Hell to Pay

--------------------------------------------

Today I am thankful for freedom of (not from) religion we enjoy in this country. I am thankful to be able to make a post like this without fear of government censorship. I am glad to be able to search for, easily access, and share such things. I'm thankful for the men, women and families of our military who sacrifice to keep such freedom at my disposal!

 ---------------------------------------------
First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss

Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache

Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace

Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness

What The Camera Can't Capture

Today's  #NHBPM prompt asks me to , "use a picture or video to inspire a post."

I've done this before with this post about Focus on my Given Me a Thorn blog.

Today I am thinking of the glory of sunrise, pale in comparison with the mental picture I'm about to describe, but the closest to what a camera can actually capture. My daughter asked me the other day about my favorite time of day, and I would have to say early morning now (a total reversal of the time of day I most dreaded, early in stroke recovery).

I have rarely shared the following story with anyone. Never before, online, except for in a private stroke forum, just last night. I share it now, with a measure of trepidation, for I know once my thought are "out there," there will be no way to take them back, reel them in and make them mine alone again. As I told my pastor (when I finally got brave enough to tell even him, just recently), I have been quite shy about all this for the past year.

I tried to share with a select few, early on, and I received a couple of less-than-positive receptions for my thoughts, so I felt it better to keep my experience to myself after that. I have held this knowledge close to my heart, as a personal and valued treasure, and feared other's reactions if I shared it. I feel God saying, now is the time to speak. This is not my timing (I was going to wait until the publication of my of my stroke book), but God is strongly impressing upon my heart His better plan. Since it is really much more about Him than me, I can't stay silent any longer. Today, I share with you, not in sensationalism, but in humility:

When I had my first two, most serious strokes, I could not move, speak, hear, open my eyes, or in any way communicate with the world around me. I knew I was in bad shape, had heard the beginning of the 911 call being placed before I lapsed into unconsciousness, and we have pieced together that the following experience must have taken place just after I was loaded into the ambulance, when EMTs were trying to get any response from me but I could not hear them and was unable to respond at all. (It is possible that it happened anywhere in the next 6 hours I remained unresponsive, or even in the following week when I was technically "councious" but have little to no memory, but to my mind, I place what seemed to be only a sliver of time, a moment, in the ambulance before the ride to the hospital, possibly because I have no memory of the other events. I guess it is rather impossible to place a timeless event within the context of our known limits of time and space!) My body was significantly posturing, I was not expected to make it to the hospital alive, and my situation was terribly fragile and precarious.

I, very vividly, consciously and lucidly, remember "waking up" and thinking through my senses one by one, looking for any response from my body or clue to what was happening to me. I could not feel, move, speak, see or hear anything. In fact, I had no sensation of being connected to my body in any way. I was rational enough to presume I was in an ambulance, for though I could not see, and had no knowledge of the EMTs arrival (other than previously hearing that they were being called), my very first awareness was sensing (not "seeing") the shifting of light when, I presume, the ambulance door shut. I had no other connection with my body but I knew enough of what had just happened (even though I lacked explanation of what had happened and the word "stroke" wasn't even remotely on my radar at the time) to know I was physically in dire straights and that I was likely on some form of life support. 

One of the first coherent thoughts, that I would have shouted out as a statement if I could was, "Don't pull the plug! I'm still here." Before even one wave of panic could overtake me, I was filled with such profound peace! I heard music (remember, I was totally deaf, and remained so to anything happening around me) unlike anything I had ever heard before - so beautiful! And while every other memory from the next several weeks remains vague and shadowy, most have slipped away all together, this one is crystal clear and bathed in golden light.

I have always before wondered about and somewhat feared death, but after this near-death experience, I felt cheated and angry that I had survived and was suicidal for about 6 months (I just wanted to hurry up and get to Heaven, now that I had a foretaste) until my husband challenged me that if God wasn't finished with His plan for my life here on earth yet, neither should I be. I still feel great excitement and eagerness for Eternity, but I am much more willing to bide my time here on earth now.

Anyway, after being challenged to find and fulfill God's purpose for my days on earth, it became evident to me that as wonderful as Heaven is (and I already got a sneak peak, that was so wonderful that I am ever-so anxious to find out more!) that Hell must be just as awesome in terror. I promised God that I would spend the days assigned to me to help anyone who would listen to avoid such fate, for I cannot even imagine the horror.

So with that background in mind (I know how like a lunatic my experience must sound), you can see why I'm passionate about my views.

I believe that there is only one God, Jesus Christ. That to believe Him, I must abide by what He says, namely that He alone is God and there is no other, that He is the only way to the Father and that many paths are inviting, but only one leads to eternal life.

I believe that we are all born as sinners, separated from God, and the only remedy to clear us of our guilt, is acceptance of the death and resurrection of Jesus, the only sinless man ever to live.

It is not through doing enough (or any) right or good things, but by simple faith that God is who He says He is and did what He said He did. It isn't just about believing the facts, but taking them to heart. If I tell you a chair can hold my weight, I can tell you that all day, but it really means nothing until I exercise that belief by taking my body and actually sitting in that chair to show us both that I believe what I say, that I am willing to act upon what I say is true. It is like that with God too. I can say He exists and maybe even say I'm willing to see the work of His hand in my life, but until the "good works" I do are because of my love for Him, an expression of my adoration and acknowledgement of all He has already given for me, not in effort to earn forgiveness or grace, they mean nothing. As Scripture says, such works are as useless as filthy rags!

OK, getting off my pulpit now. Don't worry, I'm not likely to try and cram these beliefs down anyone's throat, but it is clear exactly where I stand now. I wish you all peace (the intense kind, like I found in that ambulance) as you explore these issues for yourselves. Feel free to leave a comment or email me - jsaake AT yaohoo DOT com - if you want to talk more specifics. I, for sure, am not an expert and don't pretend to have all the answers, but I'm happy to share what I am convinced about and explore questions to keep on learning! 

Here are a few videos I posted, mostly songs related to my thoughts surrounding this post. Here are my growing collection of images that semi-capture a tiny bit of my emotions surrounding my memories.
--------------------------------------------

Today I am thankful for the gift of this amazing experience!

 ---------------------------------------------

Jennifer Saake's other books and related blogs:

First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/HannahsHopeBook

Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache or on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/HarvestingHope

Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace or look on Facebook under "Stroke of Grace by Jennifer Saake"

Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness, or on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/GivenMeaThorn

Waiting Room

Today #NHBPM prompt is, "Redesign a doctor’s office or hospital room."

I don't have a ton of clear memories of the hospital. It is a series of impressions and some distinct, individual memories. But my general impression was that everything was lacking in color. So, first of all, I would say, make sure there are some color splashes! A friend asked me what small gift she might consider taking to a nursing home. I did not hesitate to suggest bright flowers.

Second, I would say, make sure the room is bright and feels as non-claustrophobic as possible. I  didn't have great views in the main hospital, a hospital roof and a brick wall, but at least I could see out my windows (I had severe double vision and couldn't really see out, but that;s not the hospital's fault). I have no idea what my ICU room's view was like and I couldn't describe the first room they brought me to in the main hospital, so I can only comment on the two I remember well enough.

My rehab hospital rooms (all three!) had huge picture windows, but they were unusable. Here is an excerpt description from my stroke blog: "I was in three different rooms at the rehab hospital and all threee had frosted windows, where they are contracted to hold prisoners in need on rehab, with no view of the outside world. At least I never had a sheriff station outside my door, though I did have a man burst into my room in the middle of one night. "Help! Help! It's a catastrophe. I can't find my clothes." I was still unable to even sit up in bed on my own, much less stand on my own two feet! You better believe, a semi naked man, at the foot of my bed in a wheel chair in the middle of the night, so disoriented that he had pulled out his own IV and couldn't understand that we were both in a hospital, certainly had me urgently pushing my nurse call button! I kind of wished I did have a guard outside my room at that point."

More from my upcoming book tells, "The windows were blanked out. The opening part of the windows secured shut. While I could sense the rising and setting of the sun, hear voices from by-passers, and knew one of the rooms to be situated next to a lovely courtyard, I could witness none of this from my bed. As I lay there, day by day, staring at a darkened piece of glass, I tried to have hope in the prospect that one day I would not only see, but breath, that fresh air outside, for myself...

"I think it is like that with Heaven. We read descriptions and promises, but it is easy to loose patience and real belief, that we will actually get there some day. All we see are the often-dismal limitations of our circumstances, the walls of this finite time line. If anyone asks, we intellectually believe in the goodness of God and the glory of an afterlife with Him, but it is no different than trying to look through my inmate-frosted windows. We can say we believe that glory awaits us down the hall and through the doors, but until we taste it for ourselves, we only know in part and really have no concept of why we are to patiently hold on with hope."

So how would I redesign a waiting room or hospital room? You would think after all the doctors I visit and nearly 2 month in at least 7 different hospital rooms, I would have more input, but my redesign ideas are pretty basic. In addition to what I've already mentioned (color and brightness/visibility) I would simply add that rooms should be rather modern in feel. I've sat in way too many dark, dingy-feeling, dated waiting rooms with carpet and/or wood paneling out of the 60s or 70s. This doesn't instill great confidence in the doctor I am about to meet! And while I love pastels, a waiting room out of the 80s decor isn't much more exciting. So a clean, bright, modern look is pretty important. Plants and flowers, especially live/fresh, or at least high quality silks (the kind you have to inspect and debate over its realness) are a nice touch too!

Very soft, gentle music (in a waiting room, the option to turn sound on and off in a hospital room) is important too. There is little more prone to grating at my nerves more than irritating waiting room music when I'm already feeling anxious about my health issues. I take that back, silence, punctuated by whirring, clicking or other sound effects (medical equipment from the practice, an old heating/cooling system, other building noises) is worse!

---------------------------

Happy birthday (yesterday) to Susan, sister of my heart! <3 br="br">

---------------------------
Today I am thankful that God is the one toward whom I entrust my future, not only eternally but for the days ordained for me on this earth.

I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions, and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior. –1 Timothy 2:1-3

 ---------------------------------------------
First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss

Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache


Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace

Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness