Saake Summer 2016

I haven't abandoned this blog. Life has just kept happening!

Let me hit the highlights.

In September, 2015, I had my second hysterectomy (finished up everything left behind seven years before, cleaned out new endometriosis growth, took my appendix). Is it ever wonderful to be rid of all that pain. I was so bloated and miserable!

Swollen much? My pre-surgery tummy!

The same month I made a decision, after 3 prior less determined attempts, that I was going to cut all wheat from my diet. (I'm happy to report that I'm still what-free, now migraine-free, down 20 stubborn pounds from my post-op appointment weight (when swelling was already greatly diminished!), and generally feeling much healthier.)

Earlier this spring, 2016.

This year, our 10-year-old earned best behavior in his entire class (measured in "Falcon Feathers" collected throughout the year). The school took him and a few other class winners to a day of mini-golf. Today is his very last day of 4th grade already! He will have a week with grandparents, a vacation Bible school (VBS) week, and a week away at church camp this summer. I'm excited to have several weeks to spend with him myself before school starts again in early August.

Our 13-year old won a generous cash prize (enough to pay her tuition to a special math and science camp she wanted to attend in July) by taking first place locally, then second at state, in an essay contest on patriotism and freedom. The week before math camp, she will be taking a trip (her first time ever to fly as an airplane passenger, though she has been in the co-pilot seat, typically in control of the flight stick, of private planes since she was 8-years-old) to Oshkosh, Wisconsin to attend airplane camp! She won that trip due to a second winning easy through her flying club. She plans to have enough flight hours to earn her pilot's license next year when she is old enough to qualify. She finishes up her year of free voice lessons (from the talent show she won last year) this month and is already begging to take up horseback riding, as she finally got her first taste of the sport this past weekend. She plans to dissect a frog, a fish, several other small animals, and teach her little brother to dissect a worm, over her summer break. She will also spend a week helping direct crafts in my mom's church's VBS.

Our 16-year-old just finished his Junior year of high school. He is spending nearly 9 week living 5 hours from home, interning at Stanford University in a medical office. He left Tuesday morning. We hope to take a weekend trip over to visit him over the summer. He is going to be so changed, so grown up, after a summer of full-time working, research, and managing his own laundry, budget and meals! He may take a evening college course or two as well, while he is over there. For several months we were thinking he might skip Senior year and start college this fall, so I'm thrilled to know he will be moving back home for another high school year at the end of July! When he gets back to Reno, we should finally have time in his week home before the start of the new school year, to get him to DMV to get his driver's license!

Rick started a new job with Nobel Studios in February. He also serves as family logistics implementation and taxi driver! If anyone deserves to earn a trip (or a  new car, or lawn service for the year, or a personal chef who actually knows how to cook...), it is this amazing, dedicated guy! Satan wanted to destroy our marriage through my strokes. I'm so thankful God won!!! I am blessed beyond words to be married to this man.

I am still doing water therapy at least twice a week (sometimes 3 times) and riding an exercise bike, gifted to me by a couple at Sunday School, several non-pool days. I've made myself very sore with a couple of 11 or 17-mile mornings, but I typically average 7-9 miles, 2-4 times per week. Tuesdays are my dedicated writing days. Thursdays have been Bible study mornings, then lunch with the girls, so I get home about the time my kids get off school. (I'm taking the summer off to be home with my kids another day per week, though.) So each week has just one week day for fitting in doctors and dentists and errands and chores. It is a full and busy rhythm, but I am so thankful to be at the stage of stroke recovery where I no longer juggle a dozen or more medical appointments each week! Considering that I "should" be dead or lying in a nursing home, that I get to lead this life is beyond amazing!

My rose garden this morning.

The past couple of weeks I haven't been riding my bike much at all, managing only 3-5 miles when I do. I've missed some water therapy too. In fact, I'm not really even managing to keep up with laundry and dishes and writing and meals well, as my stroke nerve pain as well as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) seems to be in a bit of a flair. For example, I took an amazing week-long trip to the Mount Hermon Christian Writer's Conference in March (total God provision, read about it here) and did amazingly well physically, both there and upon return, but the weekend trip I just took for Memorial Day is hitting me harder than that whole week! My doctor is assisting me in the last 20-30 pounds I need to loose to get back to my pre-stroke range and I really don't think this medication plays nicely with CFS, but I'm willing to pay the price as I know my weight-loss treatment is short term.

From our Memorial Day weekend. 37 of us gathered at Lake Tahoe to celebrate Rick's aunt and her best friend, for their 70th birthdays!

Other recent exciting happenings around here are that our van decided to commit suicide (throw a piston rod, and we had already decided at last major repair it wouldn't be cost effective to repair another catastrophic issue in that 18-year-old vehicle) on our way home from our Tahoe weekend. Thankfully, when we lost power to both both steering then breaks, Rick was behind the wheel (and handled the emergency SO WELL, I must add!), not our student driver! Thankfully we were already off the freeway and close to home, so Rick managed to limp the poor thing into our cul-de-sac, smoke billowing (too bad it didn't catch fire and take car of disposing itself!) and fluids hemorrhaging, where it died, never to start again. Always wanting to be a mom of many kids, a minivan was always my "dream car." I guess that life chapter is now over. We are now car (or small SUV, something that easily accommodates my walker or wheelchair, along with 3 kids) shopping.

And last, but not least, I wanted to share that as excited as our daughter was to learn to ride horses, I confirmed a new passion this weekend as well. I have wanted to take paining lessons since before I had kids. Water color, I thought. On Sunday I had a chance to try acrylic paining on canvas (one of those sip and paint party places). I felt like a whole new world opened up to me, a brand new area of my heart came alive! To say I loved the experience would be an understatement. I'm not skilled, but the feeling of swiping vivid color across clean, white canvas, just wow! Took me by surprise in the intensity of emotion!!! I'm officially hooked. When and where can I sign up for lessons?

Our daughter's dedication to me on the back of her own painting. :)

The Tummy

I faced "female problems" from my early teen years. Thirty years later, this picture was taken last week, a few days before my final hysterectomy, which will hopefully lay the consequences of a diseased reproductive system to rest once and for all!

You see, this was actually my second hysterectomy, going back to take my cervix, remaining ovary, and once again (as has been surgically required so many times over the past 20 years) clean out the mess and pain created by Endometriosis. I am 43 years old and dramatically entered menopause in full force last week.

There had been absolutely NO CHANCE of that belly hosting the life of a baby for nearly seven years since I had surgically said farewell to the body of my uterus and first ovary, yet to look at me, all bloated and inflamed, it would have been a common presumption to think I was well-along into pregnancy!

This got me thinking and reflection on our decade of active infertility. My tummy HAS looked like this before, sometimes, at least six in fact, from the hard-fought blessing of carrying a child within! For all those stretch marks, I am rewarded far beyond anything I had ever dared hope during our infertility years, with three living children in my home today, ages 15, 12 and 9. I do not take them for granted. I so wish I could have worn a t-shirt (or neon sign on my forehead) that read something like, "Don't hate me infertile friend. This baby has been 7 years in the making!" Just because I was finally pregnant, the feelings of infertility were not magically erased! I readily still related much more with the infertile word than the fertile one!

Our living miracles' known siblings who never got to come home would be 20, a likely twin of the 15-year-old, 14, and 13. I am ever so blessed that my womb was their entire earthly home, yet they are still missed! Pregnant tummy mis-speaking about the state of my fertility once again, in each of their cases.

More strangely, my tummy has looked like this before because of the very reality of not being able to conceive! Illness and swelling such as I just pictured , from Endometriosis or other reproductive illness, but also sometimes from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), in response to fertility drugs, fibroid tumors, and/or due ovarian hyper-stimulation! What insult, added to injury, to "look pregnant" simply because of whatever condition(s) is causing sub fertility in the first place!

So next time you see a "pregnant" woman, don't presume! Maybe she is. Maybe she isn't. Either way, there may be much more to her story than meets the eye. And to the lady I naively asked how far along you were, 20-some years ago, before I knew better, I'm still so very sorry for the tears I brought to your eyes that day. Please forgive me!

12 Steps

Rick says there were several times my therapist let go for several steps today. I still walked like a drunk, but surprisingly better than last week. Rick took one video where my therapist let go of my belt for about a dozen steps! We hope to post to the video to Facebook (see previous post for links) later this week.

I'm still wearing 3-pound weights on both legs when I walk to help my brain understand my body's place in space. I am finally strong enough to wear 1 1/2-pound weights on my arms, on and off, here at home, for the same reason. My left hand continues to be rather non-functional

My left shoulder has acted up all week, so today in therapy, we skipped any machines or exercises that could irritate it or cause further inflammation and pain. I've had it explained to me that the shoulder isn't fully dislocating, but because of the muscle weakness, it does repeatedly slip partially out of its socket, thus causing pain to an otherwise mostly numb area of my body. It "popps" back into socket several times per day and that's painful when it happens, but ultimately brings some relief.

The only way to strengthen the shoulder is through specific exercises that I have to do several times per day, but most exercise aggravates and inflames the joint, bringing more pain and loss of mobility. It had calmed down for the few weeks I was out of therapy (between home health discharge and my first outpatient appointment), even though I was continuing with an exercise regiment here at home, but now that I'm doing home exercises on top of regular therapy, my shoulder is giving me plenty of trouble again.

If you are looking for a specific prayer focuses, we would appreciate real prayer for our marriage. We hope to celebrate 20 years of marriage this August, and though we've been through a lot of painful things (business loss, unemployment, infertility, recurrent miscarriages, several adoption losses, chronic illness, etc.) this outranks any experience we have yet faced. This has already been a long and painful trial and we know we have many more months or years of adjustments ahead of us before we can begin to find a "new normal."

Even if I do regain physical functions through God's re-wiring of my brain, there are six areas of my brain that are (barring God's miraculous invention) dead and cannot be recovered, so my cognitive process have been forever changed. That's hard for both of us to cope with. Although, Rick married me "for better or worse, in sickness and in health," this is a trial neither of us remotely imagined facing! God's power is our only hope or strength!

We would also appreciate your prayer for wisdom and unity in parenting. While we still haven't moved the kids back home full-time, this has been a painful growing season for every member of the family. We are finding parenthood to be more challenging than ever and know we desperately need God's guidance. Our kids are finding life to be full of surprising adjustments and challenges. This is one season where I'm especially thankful that Noel, Joel and Hannah never had to face any of the challenges of this broken world! Please keep J. (boy, age 12), R. (girl, age 9) and especially J-Bear (boy, age 6) in your ongoing prayers! I know God's purpose in this must include their lives in His holy plan, so I am learning to yield them in a way I never have before, but it is heartbreaking to watch them go through such deep struggles and be fully unable to fix anything or make the situation any easier.

Physically, besides longing for walking and seeing better (my new glasses will have to be exchanged, as they create a "blind spot" in my good eye), my TMJ remains my most ongoing and painful "thorn." My therapist works on my jaw about an hour per week and it the process is so painful I fear I will throw up on him (something my sweet husband has already endured) one of these days, from the intensity of the pain (and this said by a woman who has survived endometriosis and three unmediated labors). He says my jaw dislocation is very deep and we can't even begin to address the slipped disk in the jaw until he has re-adjusted me enough that the muscles relax enough to begin trying to move the disk back into place in the jaw joint. It is very strange to experience a numb left half of my mouth and feel such deep and profound pain in the left side of my face, my jaw joint, my lower jaw and my teeth!

Another couple thing that have really "gotten" to me this week are the finality of our sterility and my self-image. Before my strokes I had been praying about adopting another child. Even though it's been 3 1/2 years since my (medically necessary) hysterectomy, and though we've been abundantly blessed with living children, I still held out hope that "someday" (sooner rather than later) we would continue building our family through adoption. God had other plans. Instead of caring for a baby, I'm dependent on others to do my laundry, cook my meals and clean my house. The door feels firmly locked and bolted closed now. For the first time in a long time, seeing a sweet baby made me cry on Sunday and that familiar old ache was back in my heart. We've had three turns I thought we would never have, two after I had been told to expect a hysterectomy - I am so blessed! But it will never be again, and that finality is hard.

I keep another blog called Inner Beauty Girlz but I guess my message, that outer beauty is fleeting and that true beauty comes from Christ on the inside, is one I still need to learn! I started sobbing in church Sunday while everyone else sang, "You make everything glorious, and You made me!" I could only think of my brokenness, my chopped hair, my crazy eyes, my weight gain and my losses and inabilities. At that moment I could not think of Christ or who I am in Him, but only of my ugliness. I have voiced to several people that if only I were a baby or even a toddler I would be "cute" in my re-learning how to walk and move my body, but so far no one seems to really understand my self-loathing. Obviously, I am still really struggling with this.

My book on the fruit of the Spirit, is also coming along, like my physical healing, very slowly, but it is continuing to move forward. I'm asking the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom about what He would have me say about Himself and His work in our lives. Please join me in praying about this.

That's all I can think of to update for now, but it gives you a picture of where I'm at both emotionally and physically. Thank you, again, for your faithfulness in ongoing prayers! God is faithful and gracious and so good!!!

Held

I'm very blessed to be part of a new project, a blogging community just for Christian women facing infertility or loss, along with those who love us. If you are journeying through emotional pain surrounding the growth of your family, or if you love someone who is, please come join us at Held, the brand new blogging arm of Hannah's Prayer Ministries.

Birthday Joy

If by some Infinite Design that far exceeds my cloudy, limited understanding, that "great cloud of witnesses" that surrounds us includes the children who have proceeded us to Heaven, I think my babies must delight in my overflowing joy today.

Noel Alexis, our first (who would be 15 next month!) was our "minister of needs". Joel Samuel reminded us that the Lord would redeem/repay the years the locusts had eaten. He was asked of the Lord and we eagerly await reunion. Hannah Rose, our beautiful daughter who did not get to "bloom this side of the fence" was due just a year before her still-earth-bound sister, Princess R, was born. I look at one and can't help think of the other, but while the tears still occasionally come, my heart more and more delights in the unique beauty of each daughter and I can be thankful for my joy in parenting R and in Hannah's joy in daily seeing our perfect Father face-to-face.

I'm 38 today, 2 weeks out from our 18th wedding anniversary that basically was the beginning our of journey to parenthood (we started actively TTC by November). My yet-earth-bound miracles are 10 1/2, 7 1/2, 4 1/2. God truly has redeemed those broken, bitter years. My amazing husband and these three precious joy-bringers greeted me with birthday singing and gifts and (most treasured of all) handmade birthday cards before I was even out of bed this morning. My heart overflows with blessings!

I cannot mark any significant landmark without my heart and mind flying, at least for an instant, to those who are not here to share the day. I will not pretend that the tears of sorrow in parting do not still occasionally flow. But if they can see me, I think they are joyfully thanking the Father right alongside me for the healing He has worked in my heart! God is good, all the time. Praise His holy Name!!!

Post Mother's Day Blues

This time 16 years ago I was suicidal. My life is so very different now. I have so very much to be thankful for. I am blessed beyond words! My kids and hubby spoiled me like crazy yesterday and we in turn were thankful for another year to spend with our own loving moms. So why on earth am I fighting those nasty old post-mother's-day-blues that became so ingrained into my life during our infertility years?

I still miss my babies. I love the three I've been given here on earth fiercely, and I would grieve any of of them with great anguish would the Lord decided He was calling any one of them Home before me. But none replace the others that I still miss and I don't think there's anything wrong about admitting to that reality that days like Mother's Day are strong reminders of who isn't here.

I ache for many friends
- the after-infertility babies of my sweet friend Shelly who just spent their first Mother's Day without their Mommy after breast cancer took her Home early.
- the after-infertility mom who probably just spent her last Mother's Day with her two miracles as brain cancer continues to steal away more and more of her life
- my friend who still battles through PPD as she faces the 2-year-anniversary of her daughter's death (on Mother's Day)!
- sweet Lori and so many like her who face their first Mother's Day visiting their children at his or her grave
- my single friends who long for families of their own
- the lady who refused a plant from me at church yesterday (and so many like her, like i used to be) with that defiant "I'm not a mom" response that I remember all-too-well

*sigh*
I am blessed. I am thankful. My heart aches with "survivor guilt" and today I need to take the time to grieve afresh before I can move on with renewed joy.

Mental Health

This week I've been chatting about my journey through depression over on my Havesting Hope from Heartache™ blog. If you have lived with (or know someone who has) chronic pain/illness, infertility, pregnancy loss or postpartum depression (PPD), I think you will appreciate what I have to share. Please join me at HarvestingHope.blogspot.com/2010/04/its-depressing.html

True of False?

I always so appreciate it when someone takes the time to write a positive review for Hannah's Hope and share about the book on her blog. Over the years I've been so blessed by some amazing word-of-mouth promotion. But I've also "learned" some funny (to me anyway) things I never knew about myself.

Please drop by my Facebook "fan" page and see how much you really know about me. Can you seperate fact from fiction? Give it a try at http://www.facebook.com/pages/Jennifer-Saake/98673046436

Here are a few teasers to get you started:

True of False: I grew up in Japan

True of False: I have a degree in Christian counseling

True of False: I have been through in vitro fertilization (IVF)

True of False: We have two living children after our infertility journey

True of False: I am dyslexic

True of False: I am a pastor's wife

Do you know as much about me as you thought you did?

Fears of Infertility

After so many years of "IF" (infertility), my heart will never be far from the journey nor from those still walking this heartache. Recently a member of the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums posted her thoughts and fears in the early steps of realizing she was no longer just trying to conceive, but living the realities of infertility. I will not comment further, but rather let her post speak for itself...

Since introducing myself and lurking around here a while, I've finally come to the point that I can identify what I'm feeling, and right now it's fear. I KNOW that we are to be anxious about nothing, but all of this seems so new and terrible to me that I don't really know how not to be afraid of it without ignoring what I'm fearful of, and I know that's not the answer either. I'm hoping some of you wise women will have some wisdom to share, although to be honest I'm hoping I'll magically end up with a BFP ["Big Fat Positive" pregnancy test] this month and not have to worry about it anymore. But here goes.

I'm afraid I'll be "sick." - I've always been healthy and I'm afraid of finding out that I'm really afflicted with something and spend the rest of my life seeing doctors, trying different meds, and having surgeries. I'm a nurse- I've seen this life, I've never wanted it. I'm afraid that this not-conceiving thing is just a symptom of whatever is medically wrong with me.

I'm afraid of losing my ability to love children. - All my life all I've done is work with kids. In church, at my job, in social gatherings. I gravitate towards them naturally. I'm afraid of not being able to enjoy them any more, and of losing that part of my identity, the one that's "good with kids."

I'm afraid of financial strain. - I know that we'd like to adopt, but I'd also like to start that process as soon as possible instead of using all of our resources on fertility treatments first and then having nothing left over to adopt with. This isn't really high on my list of fears, but I find myself researching adoption options already when we haven't even been to see the doctor yet. DH won't even discuss a "what if" until we've tried for "a while longer" (how long is 'a while' again?)

I'm afraid of depression. - Self-explanatory. Both my parents struggled with depression, and the pain is so overwhelming sometimes that I wonder if I'm not slipping towards it too. I really don't think so right now, but can I take years of this?

I'm afraid of being outcast. - Having to explain my status to every new person I meet. Right now it's not too hard, we've "only" been married for 2 years, after all, and I look several years younger than I am. But this can't last much longer. I'm a pretty private person (read: pronounced introvert), and I hate being known by my 'status.' It can be hard enough for me to make friends sometimes anyway. I don't want a stigma over my head too.

I'm afraid of no babies. - Obviously! But really, I always wanted 6 kids at least. Can I really handle none?

I'm afraid of a spiritual reason for IF. - Sometimes, I know God doesn't allow "good things" because of something else we'll deal with in our lives. What if I can't have kids because I'm going to die of cancer next year and God didn't want to leave my husband alone and with an orphan? I know that's far fetched, but maybe you'll understand. If I can't have kids because of something coming that would be terrible for children, I don't know if I want to go through that either.

*sigh.* That might be it. We have an appointment with my gyn soon. Hopefully we can get most of my blood work paid for by using the "irregular cycles" and "painful menstruation" card since IF labs aren't covered. Anybody know how much a SA runs?

But, to be positive too:

I'm grateful for my DH [Dear Husband] - He is kind, understanding, and (almost) totally on the same page as I am. He holds me when I'm sad and tells me we're just going to take it 1 step at a time. And he's not scared of "putting sperm in a cup" as he calls it!

I'm grateful that I've been through pain in the past - Because I have some idea how to handle rough emotions. Not the same, but helpful nonetheless

I'm grateful that we had 1 year of of marriage footloose and fancy-free before baby-making started to hang over our heads. I'd hate to have started my marriage with months of disappointment.

I'm grateful, of course, for God's grace - And try to remember to pray for the sons he wants to bring into His kingdom when I feel the pain of not having any in my life yet. I'm grateful His heart for the world hurts just as much (more, actually) than mine at the thought of the children He wants for himself. Our God knows the spirit of ALL our infirmities, and I am so grateful to know that.

Thanks ladies, for listening, and for any strength you might be able to add to my journey. It helps a lot to know that I am not alone in this battle, and to be reminded that my worth isn't based on the outcome of a child.

Kristina, thank you for your courage to put into words what so many of us have to process in our hearts and for graciously letting me share these fears with my readers.

Hysterectomy on Nov. 15

I'm in so much pain and so tired from ongoing bleeding that I'm strangly looking forward to getting it done! This peace can only be attributed to God as I can remember in the early days of our PI journey that my mom had her hysterectomy and I was so upset over hers that I couldn't even go down and help her. I couldn't imagine ever having this kind of peace over my own need for one, but here it is and God is providing such clear assurance that He is here in the midst of this.


--children mentioned--

I was told in my early 20s that I would probably need a hysterectomy by the time I was 30. I'm 36 so I've had several unexpected years of grace, including 2 of our 3 living miracles born after my 30th birthday! I had dreamed of 8 kids - my womb was been touched by at least 6 or 7 (and possible other unconfirmed miscarriages) and my heart by 7 more (adoption losses), so I feel very blessed to have been allowed 3 live births when I truly questioned if we would ever even have one. Physically I cannot parent more than this right now, but my heart is still open to adoption in the future should God choose to allow us to continue growing our family through that blessing.

--end child mention---



So amazingly, I am grieving very little over this final loss of reproductive ability and instead feel a sence of relief as God brings this chapter to a close. All I can do is praise the Lord for His overwhelming grace and peace in all of this because I know my reaction is well outside my normal human experiences.

My one long-term prayer is that this will be effective in managing my endo for the long haul. I know several women who have had hysterectomies and still deal with endo pain. My doctor says this is rare, but I seem to prove the rare cases. We are planning to let me keep one ovary at this point so that I don't have to go on hormone replacement (Since I tolerate outside hormones so poorly!) and I am praying this will turn out to be a good decision and not one that causes ongoing endo growth. If you could pray with me specifically along these lines, I would be greatful!