15 years

15 years ago we woke up to a ringing phone and images of 1 1/2 twins towers, the half billowing smoke but not yet fallen. Through the morning my long-awaited toddler played as I sobbed and watched a second tower hit, panicked people jump from windows high, then the towers fall. As the day unfolded, I relayed news of two additional plane crashes to my husband at work. For three solid days I cried and seriously wrestled with God over the issue of should we continue to bring more lives into this broken world or not.

We learned my husband's aunt was initially scheduled to have been on one of those planes and got bumped. Being on the west coast of the country, we were slightly insulated from the trauma in the sense that not every single person here knew someone who died that day, but the tragedy was massive enough that everyone here had at least one loved one they worried over until safety was confirmed. There was still enough communal loss that the churches were packed for week and flags flew abundantly and high. Rick's grandma, who lived next to the airport, lived under eerily quite sky for days.

Since that day, life has carried on. That baby is about to get his driver's licence. We have been blessed with two more living miracles here on earth. My husband has changed jobs twice. We have changed houses. We just celebrated that aunt's 70th birthday and she and her husband had another very near-miss going through the airport in Turkey just before the recent bombing there. (My husband and son were in the same airport two years prior!)

I've published my first book. My father-in-law has battled cancer epically. My mother has given us a sound hospital scare. I've survived a traitoris immune system that tried to abandon me a decade ago. I've survived a chiropractic accident leading to six strokes. A year ago today I had massive abdominal surgery for feminine pain and a renegade appendix.

The joys and griefs have been great. Today, I simply pause to remember. To lay the details of our lives before the Lord. To thank and rejoice for the blessings. To acknowledge the losses. To pray.

Thankful Rememberance

The younger two are at the beginning of their 3rd year of public school now. Our oldest started half way through 8th and is 1/4 way through 11th now, so been there almost 3 full years.

recent picture of our 4th grader

I was just thanking God for our home schooling years together and wanted to share this sweet memory with you. The video is a little less than 8 1/2 minutes long and does require a Dropbox (free) account, but shows each of our kids when they were little and our amazing classroom (now our oldest's bedroom) in the rare state of first day of a new school year cleanliness and organization. So much joy!!!

Yes, our 7th grader really has been flying airplanes since she was 8!
Goal is to log enough flight hours to test for her pilot licence two years before she can test for a driver's license!

This video was shot 14 months, 2 days before my strokes. https://www.dropbox.com/s/2sc22dp3vks71xy/schoolTour2010.MOV?dl=0

11th grader is camera shy, so I had to look back to last school year to find this rare footage of him at a science exhibit.

The Tummy

I faced "female problems" from my early teen years. Thirty years later, this picture was taken last week, a few days before my final hysterectomy, which will hopefully lay the consequences of a diseased reproductive system to rest once and for all!

You see, this was actually my second hysterectomy, going back to take my cervix, remaining ovary, and once again (as has been surgically required so many times over the past 20 years) clean out the mess and pain created by Endometriosis. I am 43 years old and dramatically entered menopause in full force last week.

There had been absolutely NO CHANCE of that belly hosting the life of a baby for nearly seven years since I had surgically said farewell to the body of my uterus and first ovary, yet to look at me, all bloated and inflamed, it would have been a common presumption to think I was well-along into pregnancy!

This got me thinking and reflection on our decade of active infertility. My tummy HAS looked like this before, sometimes, at least six in fact, from the hard-fought blessing of carrying a child within! For all those stretch marks, I am rewarded far beyond anything I had ever dared hope during our infertility years, with three living children in my home today, ages 15, 12 and 9. I do not take them for granted. I so wish I could have worn a t-shirt (or neon sign on my forehead) that read something like, "Don't hate me infertile friend. This baby has been 7 years in the making!" Just because I was finally pregnant, the feelings of infertility were not magically erased! I readily still related much more with the infertile word than the fertile one!

Our living miracles' known siblings who never got to come home would be 20, a likely twin of the 15-year-old, 14, and 13. I am ever so blessed that my womb was their entire earthly home, yet they are still missed! Pregnant tummy mis-speaking about the state of my fertility once again, in each of their cases.

More strangely, my tummy has looked like this before because of the very reality of not being able to conceive! Illness and swelling such as I just pictured , from Endometriosis or other reproductive illness, but also sometimes from PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome), in response to fertility drugs, fibroid tumors, and/or due ovarian hyper-stimulation! What insult, added to injury, to "look pregnant" simply because of whatever condition(s) is causing sub fertility in the first place!

So next time you see a "pregnant" woman, don't presume! Maybe she is. Maybe she isn't. Either way, there may be much more to her story than meets the eye. And to the lady I naively asked how far along you were, 20-some years ago, before I knew better, I'm still so very sorry for the tears I brought to your eyes that day. Please forgive me!

Please Help Name My Domain?

I am looking to purchase a domain name. I need something people can remember, spell, is "catchy" and/or speaks to the topics of my books (infertility, loss, fruit of the Spirit, hope, motherhood, illness, heartache, grace, various Biblical heroes like Hannah, Job, Paul). Any suggestions or ideas? I like jennifer.saake but wonder if the spelling of our last name will become an issue? Most domains of my actual book titles are already taken (like the StrokeOfGrace domain, though I could still use these words with hyphenation between them or adding on the word "book" at the end like I did with HannahsHopeBook.com), plus you need a new one for each project and I'm looking for something I could list all books, blogs and any future affiliated projects and ministries under. Maybe something with my used-around-the-internet handle of InfertilityMom, but will that be confusing for people that don't know my background? I've used Jenni's Journal for several projects over the years, so something along those lines might work. I was thinking maybe something alone the lines of ChronicallyTrustingChrist but that is LONG for a domain name. I also love roses, and themes of harvest, gardening and growth. Someone suggested something butterfly related (cocoon, chrysalis (<---- already="" and="" anything="" but="" can="" etc="" find="" flight="" give="" go.="" hard="" i="" ideas="" like="" me="" not="" ready.="" really="" short="" simple="" soaring="" span="" spell="" t="" taken="" takes="" that="" to="" transformation="" wing="" wings="" word="" your="">

Bedroom and a Beta

What a week!

We have been working all summer to clean out our old school room and transform it into our older son's own bedroom before he starts his first semester of high school on Aug. 12! (Still no word on our daughter's acceptance into 5th grade at the charter school, so this is a matter of ongoing prayer!) I'll be listing a bunch of curriculum for sale soon, in a separate post.

I would show you pictures of the bedroom transformation, thus far, but both of our cameras have died over the past six weeks or so. (Until I figure out how to get still pictures or video from my cell phone camera to the computer, I guess this is the end of therapy videos over at Stroke Of Grace for a while!)

This weekend my parents-in-law spent an entire afternoon helping us to paint the new bedroom. I was rather unsure about our son's color choices, but now that it is up on the walls, I do have to admit he has an eye for design.

My dad has rebuilt a bookshelf, and other than repairing a desk leg, buying a box spring, and setting up the bed frame, his new room is nearing move-in ready and should be good to go before our deadline. :)

We faced a family "tragedy" on Monday. Our daughter's beloved birthday Beta fish went belly up. The tears we uncontrollable. It was very strange and draining for me to try to offer emotional support to our girl when my own emotional processing center is still so terribly messed up. She sobbed and my heart broke for her, but try as I might, I could not bring about the release of my own tears.

Bless her heart, she choked out, "When I hunt an animal, it never hurts like this!" Being her first real taste of the sting of grief (Thank you, Lord, for protecting her from a much more traumatic loss 20 months ago!), it turned out to be a good jumping block to talk about her older siblings lost to miscarriage. She agreed that she was thankful we were only facing Rainbow the fish's death, not a human child, but it still hurt because of love invested.

A new bright orange goldfish, named Ella, and an African aquatic frog, named Lilly, are now happily swimming in her fish bowl and her shattered heart is mending and learning to love again. Thank you to her Daddy for canceling plans on Monday night to come home and love on our girl!

Tall "Baby" Boy

I walked up to our oldest son this morning to give him a before-school hug. He was in shoes, I was barefoot. But he was taller than me. Literally overnight! Yesterday, it wasn't by much, but I was still the second tallest in the family, second only after my husband.

Start of last school year, 7th grade.

 So when he took off his shoes for me, we measured again. I am still technically taller than J., but only by a fraction of an inch, not much more than a hair width. For all intensive purposes, we are exactly the same hight now.

I think this was 6th grade???

I'm not sure how my Mommy heart feels about this. I have laughed and felt proud as my handsome young man passes up other adults. There are plenty of young men in my life that are taller than me. I have always known he woulod likely grow to be much taller than I am.

August, 2011 (about 2 1/2 months before my strokes).

But this is my baby we are talking about here. The one that, just 13 too-short years ago, weighed less than 5 pounds. I am thrilled for him, excited, proud, but a little sad too. It is kind of unsettling to look him eye-to-eye, to know sooner (probably even sooner than I want to think), I will be looking up to look him in the face.

Our kids last October, 2012, dressed as "Black Eyed Ps". :)

 He's been growing up much to fast for a while now. But how on earth did this happen???

First day of school, last year, fall 2011.

Grrr. Somewhere I've got a second semester, 8th grade (2013) shot of J. in his school uniform this past winter. It is a couple months old, but what I was going to post. After a half hour of not finding it, I will have to come back to edit it in when it is located!

Mom Will Miss You

To put today's post in context, you probably should read the first few paragraphs of this post first.

Unless anyone has a living child, after loss, this might sound rather morbid, but it was humorous (especially after the fact, when I was relaying the story to my husband a couple of hours later) to me. Saturday, when I was having an emotional meltdown, one of the reasons I was crying was because it should have been about Noel's 17th birthday, had she actually been born near her due date. Actually I was crying more for me, thinking, "She got to go to Heaven and I didn't."

Our 6-year-old came up to me right as I was trying to stop crying and asked me what was wrong. I told him that it should have been his big sister's 17th birthday and I was missing her. Then our 9=year-old came up and asked what was wrong, so I told her the same thing. Because of the combined impact of the strokes and my tears, she couldn't understand my answer and asked her little brother to explain.

His explanation was, "Mom's going to miss you when you have your 17th birthday." I started giggling right through the tears. "Wrong big sister, Sweetheart."


Hard to believe we "would have" one starting her senior year of high school or first year of college this year! You are still loved and missed, Noel. I am so glad it wasn't our living daughter I was crying over this week, as I couldn't imagine living without any of the children we are so blessed to have in our lives today! But one child never "replaces" another and I still do miss Noel, Joel and Hannah too!

First Full Day Together

My daugter and I (yes, her on her broken foot and boot/cast, me with my walker) have been cleaning and organizing the school room today. Somehow, it looks much worse now than when we started, but we have sorted through a chest (that we moved to our son's room), removed 3 drawers fulls of stuff and 4 boxes of toys and books, mostly that our kids have outgrown and someone else might now enjoy, so I tell myself we must be making some form of progress! I had to take a break because my leg were shaking too badly to stay safe, so she is cleaning her room now. 

 Our oldest son is 360+ pages (since yesterday afternoon) engrossed in a 500+ page book. (I don't think I have ever read a book that long and I'm well over 12!) Our little guy spent several hours happily playing with long-lost friends in the back yard this afternoon and is now out riding his bike. 

We had fish for dinner tonight, fish that the kids caught yesterday on a fishing trip to celebrate the end of the school year with their grandparents. :) Thank you, Rick, for frying it up for us. Yummy! 

In case you hadn't heard yet, I am thrilled to tell you that the kids are finally back at home! It is great to have everyone under the same roof even when we go different directions! ♥

Starting Fresh

I am entering a blogging contest with the theme, "Starting Fresh" and focusing on something I'm doing new or differently than before. I though of various things I could talk about, like how we will need to relearn family life when our kids come home, what it is like to be hearing a bit out of my left ear since surgery this week but how I'm struggling to try to figure where sounds actually come from, dropping and adding new medications over the past two weeks, or how I'm trying to learn to fend for myself in my exercise routine without formal physical therapy appointments now (thanks to insurance limitations rather than medical necessity).

Then I realized I don't need to focus on a single aspect of this journey because I am starting over each day, learning to live a "new normal" where just getting out of bed is another victory. All of life must be approached differently than it was 7 months ago. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and certainly physically, I am a different person now. I hope I am becoming a stronger, deeper person.

On a grand scale, we are starting fresh. After more than 19 years of marriage, my husband and I must relearn who our spouses are, how we each react and respond to daily life and a myriad of situations. We are coming up on our 20th anniversary, in a way, as newly weds.

It is strange to have a perspective of over 21 years of chronic illness only to plunge into acute injury and the process of recovery. This too is a kind of starting fresh. I am thankful for the "training ground" of the past decades and while it has been a journey I never would have willingly chosen, I can see how I am better able to cope with current losses because of what I had already been living through and learning.


I have been reliant on wheel chairs or walkers since October. I still mostly am, but something new I am trying more and more often is to leave these safety-nets behind and leave the house on my husband's arm or occasionally to even try a cane. What I can't get most people to understand is that I don't need a walker for much weight support but for mental feedback to counter massive balance issues from some specific areas of brain damage. Rick, sometimes my "human walker," knows this beyond a shadow of a doubt, as I stagger and push him into walls. Still, it feels so good to be walker-free when I take his arm. It has been a huge leap of faith to try, but it is a good challenge for me.


It is also a new (and very humbling) experience to be sharing almost all areas of my recovery publicly, as the experience unfolds, rather than retrospectively, as I have done with various issues in the past. My stroke blog, with about two dozen posts, is only a little more than a month old. I really appreciate all the support I receive both there and on the accompanying (even newer) Facebook page where more than 100 of you are kindly following this journey.

I am also thankful for my husband and his support and grace in this process. Hopefully, one day this will all lead to a new book so that others who find themselves thrust, involuntarily, into starting over, will be refreshed in finding they are not alone!

Good Friday

Our kids are home for the weekend! :)

I am thinking on two things today . Christ's sacrifice on the cross and the physical process of aging...

Why do we call this day "Good Friday" if there was anything but goodness in a Father witnessing the brutal death of His Son, until the sight, and the weigh of my sin, became more than He could bear? From the cross, Jesus cried out, "My God, why have you forsaken me?" He was forsaken in His hour of need so that I never will be. As a friend put it, we call this day good because we know how the story ends, but no one there that day, none of the disciples or others, would have called the circumstances "good" at the time!

God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5 NIV)

I am using a walker, answered a wrong number telephone call this week to, "Grandma?" and am praying to be fully walking before my 40th birthday this summer. What an odd mix of realities! What has been on my mind this week, in addition to the brevity of earthly life,  is the normal process of aging and how blessed I am to realistically envision a future on my own two feet.

Usually by the time someone's body fails enough he or she needs the aid of a walker or other assistance device, there is no going back. The normal process of aging requires the ongoing loss of strength and capabilities. I am so blessed to be recovering and regaining some of what was lost, but my body is only my temporary home. What is regained now is bound to be lost again, sometime in the future. This though both discourages (what's the point of striving to recover then?) and comforts (we are all frail, this world is not my Home) me.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. (Psalm 103:11-16 NIV)

12 Steps

Rick says there were several times my therapist let go for several steps today. I still walked like a drunk, but surprisingly better than last week. Rick took one video where my therapist let go of my belt for about a dozen steps! We hope to post to the video to Facebook (see previous post for links) later this week.

I'm still wearing 3-pound weights on both legs when I walk to help my brain understand my body's place in space. I am finally strong enough to wear 1 1/2-pound weights on my arms, on and off, here at home, for the same reason. My left hand continues to be rather non-functional

My left shoulder has acted up all week, so today in therapy, we skipped any machines or exercises that could irritate it or cause further inflammation and pain. I've had it explained to me that the shoulder isn't fully dislocating, but because of the muscle weakness, it does repeatedly slip partially out of its socket, thus causing pain to an otherwise mostly numb area of my body. It "popps" back into socket several times per day and that's painful when it happens, but ultimately brings some relief.

The only way to strengthen the shoulder is through specific exercises that I have to do several times per day, but most exercise aggravates and inflames the joint, bringing more pain and loss of mobility. It had calmed down for the few weeks I was out of therapy (between home health discharge and my first outpatient appointment), even though I was continuing with an exercise regiment here at home, but now that I'm doing home exercises on top of regular therapy, my shoulder is giving me plenty of trouble again.

If you are looking for a specific prayer focuses, we would appreciate real prayer for our marriage. We hope to celebrate 20 years of marriage this August, and though we've been through a lot of painful things (business loss, unemployment, infertility, recurrent miscarriages, several adoption losses, chronic illness, etc.) this outranks any experience we have yet faced. This has already been a long and painful trial and we know we have many more months or years of adjustments ahead of us before we can begin to find a "new normal."

Even if I do regain physical functions through God's re-wiring of my brain, there are six areas of my brain that are (barring God's miraculous invention) dead and cannot be recovered, so my cognitive process have been forever changed. That's hard for both of us to cope with. Although, Rick married me "for better or worse, in sickness and in health," this is a trial neither of us remotely imagined facing! God's power is our only hope or strength!

We would also appreciate your prayer for wisdom and unity in parenting. While we still haven't moved the kids back home full-time, this has been a painful growing season for every member of the family. We are finding parenthood to be more challenging than ever and know we desperately need God's guidance. Our kids are finding life to be full of surprising adjustments and challenges. This is one season where I'm especially thankful that Noel, Joel and Hannah never had to face any of the challenges of this broken world! Please keep J. (boy, age 12), R. (girl, age 9) and especially J-Bear (boy, age 6) in your ongoing prayers! I know God's purpose in this must include their lives in His holy plan, so I am learning to yield them in a way I never have before, but it is heartbreaking to watch them go through such deep struggles and be fully unable to fix anything or make the situation any easier.

Physically, besides longing for walking and seeing better (my new glasses will have to be exchanged, as they create a "blind spot" in my good eye), my TMJ remains my most ongoing and painful "thorn." My therapist works on my jaw about an hour per week and it the process is so painful I fear I will throw up on him (something my sweet husband has already endured) one of these days, from the intensity of the pain (and this said by a woman who has survived endometriosis and three unmediated labors). He says my jaw dislocation is very deep and we can't even begin to address the slipped disk in the jaw until he has re-adjusted me enough that the muscles relax enough to begin trying to move the disk back into place in the jaw joint. It is very strange to experience a numb left half of my mouth and feel such deep and profound pain in the left side of my face, my jaw joint, my lower jaw and my teeth!

Another couple thing that have really "gotten" to me this week are the finality of our sterility and my self-image. Before my strokes I had been praying about adopting another child. Even though it's been 3 1/2 years since my (medically necessary) hysterectomy, and though we've been abundantly blessed with living children, I still held out hope that "someday" (sooner rather than later) we would continue building our family through adoption. God had other plans. Instead of caring for a baby, I'm dependent on others to do my laundry, cook my meals and clean my house. The door feels firmly locked and bolted closed now. For the first time in a long time, seeing a sweet baby made me cry on Sunday and that familiar old ache was back in my heart. We've had three turns I thought we would never have, two after I had been told to expect a hysterectomy - I am so blessed! But it will never be again, and that finality is hard.

I keep another blog called Inner Beauty Girlz but I guess my message, that outer beauty is fleeting and that true beauty comes from Christ on the inside, is one I still need to learn! I started sobbing in church Sunday while everyone else sang, "You make everything glorious, and You made me!" I could only think of my brokenness, my chopped hair, my crazy eyes, my weight gain and my losses and inabilities. At that moment I could not think of Christ or who I am in Him, but only of my ugliness. I have voiced to several people that if only I were a baby or even a toddler I would be "cute" in my re-learning how to walk and move my body, but so far no one seems to really understand my self-loathing. Obviously, I am still really struggling with this.

My book on the fruit of the Spirit, is also coming along, like my physical healing, very slowly, but it is continuing to move forward. I'm asking the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom about what He would have me say about Himself and His work in our lives. Please join me in praying about this.

That's all I can think of to update for now, but it gives you a picture of where I'm at both emotionally and physically. Thank you, again, for your faithfulness in ongoing prayers! God is faithful and gracious and so good!!!

Held

I'm very blessed to be part of a new project, a blogging community just for Christian women facing infertility or loss, along with those who love us. If you are journeying through emotional pain surrounding the growth of your family, or if you love someone who is, please come join us at Held, the brand new blogging arm of Hannah's Prayer Ministries.

18 years! :)

Rick, thank you for walking down the isle with me 18 years ago today. You are more of a blessing than I can say. Thank you for sharing your life with me!

Post Mother's Day Blues

This time 16 years ago I was suicidal. My life is so very different now. I have so very much to be thankful for. I am blessed beyond words! My kids and hubby spoiled me like crazy yesterday and we in turn were thankful for another year to spend with our own loving moms. So why on earth am I fighting those nasty old post-mother's-day-blues that became so ingrained into my life during our infertility years?

I still miss my babies. I love the three I've been given here on earth fiercely, and I would grieve any of of them with great anguish would the Lord decided He was calling any one of them Home before me. But none replace the others that I still miss and I don't think there's anything wrong about admitting to that reality that days like Mother's Day are strong reminders of who isn't here.

I ache for many friends
- the after-infertility babies of my sweet friend Shelly who just spent their first Mother's Day without their Mommy after breast cancer took her Home early.
- the after-infertility mom who probably just spent her last Mother's Day with her two miracles as brain cancer continues to steal away more and more of her life
- my friend who still battles through PPD as she faces the 2-year-anniversary of her daughter's death (on Mother's Day)!
- sweet Lori and so many like her who face their first Mother's Day visiting their children at his or her grave
- my single friends who long for families of their own
- the lady who refused a plant from me at church yesterday (and so many like her, like i used to be) with that defiant "I'm not a mom" response that I remember all-too-well

*sigh*
I am blessed. I am thankful. My heart aches with "survivor guilt" and today I need to take the time to grieve afresh before I can move on with renewed joy.

After-Infertility Easter :)

It's been a long day, a long week. Taxes are finally all but filed (we have one more piece of information to track down before hitting "submit") and physically I wasn't sure I was going to be able to push myself through the day. With throbbing hands and arms after a half hour of putting R.'s hair up in curlers, the kids' bedtime rolled around at 8 and I wanted nothing more than to crawl in bed myself, but we hadn't begun preparing Easter baskets yet, so I knew that wasn't an option.

Filling eggs, hiding eggs, setting up baskets, it was tempting to see the task before us as overwhelming to this pair of parents fighting aches, pains and exhaustion, but the next two hours turned out to be such a joy. I remember too many years of longing for the chance to be given the option of trading sleep for preparing late night surprises. I ache for my friends still in the journey as I reflect on so many Easter mornings I met with tears as adorable children arrived at church in Easter finery. I remember too many years when I couldn't wonder in Resurrection because the sting of the grave was still much too personal and too close. (If this is where you live right now, please know you are in my prayers, many of your specifically by name tonight!)

It's times like this when I'm most thankful for infertility, that the journey to parenthood gives me perspective on the privilege we've been given. Once baskets were filled and eggs were hidden, my heart was overflowing and while still physically exhausted, I just longed to make it a memorable morning for my family, so I pulled frozen cinnamon roll dough out of the freezer and got a beautiful springtime breakfast table all set, complete with flowers that I know will make our daughter's heart sing.

And tomorrow will be a very special day for our family in more ways than I had ever imagined. Not only will we together be celebrating Christ's victory over the grave, but R will be joining us in communion for the very first time and Little J. will be attending church for the first time as a new Believer! Yes, on Wednesday, March 31, our sweet 4-year-old became no longer just our physical son, but now our spiritual brother as well, asking Jesus to forgive his sins!!!

Oh grave where is your victory? Oh death, where is your sting? Praising God for turning our mourning into gladness and giving us the gifts of our miracles babies, along with His only Son!

----
Editing this on Wednesday morning to add a link to Holley Gerth's You're Delightful post as it is such a beautiful tie-in, written from the perspective of one still jouneying primary infertility.

Fiction Fridays: Janette Oke

Several books by Janette Oke include infertility and/or loss themes:

The Love Comes Softly series, while the main character is quite fertile, also includes a subplot of a friend with recurrent losses and eventually giving birth to her only living son with special needs. Later in the same series, there is stillbirth.

Canadian West series, especially by the second and later books, is very much an infertility story and also includes adoption loss and fulfilled adoption dreams.


A Bride for Donnigan has the main character being very unsympathetic with her friend's miscarriage grief until she herself suffers a stillborn baby.

Julia's Last Hope depicts an after-infertility mom of twins who opens her home as a bed-and-breakfast. Her first client is a pregnant teen who is sent away to give birth and relinquish her child for adoption to save the wealthy family from disgrace. Julia gives a great representation of the processing of after-infertility emotions and I could relate to many of her conversations with God.

Janette's books are typically light, quick reading. Some even consider them "fluff" but I "cut my teeth" on Christian fiction with these as a teenager and Janette's stories will always hold a very special place in my heart. I know she has other titles that are strong fertility-related plot lines, but these are the ones that come to mind off the top of my head. Do you have any to add to this list?

birthdays and Stanford

Happy birthday to my Baby Bear who, in 5 minutes, will celebrate four years of life outside my womb. Here's the adorable magazine cover Rick designed as his birth announcement.

And since I will not be here to post on Monday, an early Happy Birthday wish to our sweet Princess who is turning 7 almost to the exact minute, 48 hours after her little brother's moment of celebration. :)

We are off to Stanford this weekend. Hopefully I'll have an update to post from our visit with Dr. Montoya next week. We would appreciate your prayers for safe travels over snowy mountains and for the physical impact of travel to have minimal negative impact on my health. Thanking the Lord for a wonderful husband who is taking time off work to get me there and home again, and for my parents who will be moving in to care for our sweet babies while we are away.

Life is Short

I hope this post isn't too much of a downer. I have a heavy heart tonight and just need to type it out somewhere. Since it doesn't seem like many people actually read this blog anyway, seems like a good place to work out my thoughts without casting gloom over too many.

This year I've had two author friends who had brothers-in-laws hit by drunk drivers. One was killed, the other is recovering surprisingly well. But both accidents were sobering reminders that life can change in the blink of an eye.

Last month a friend from Jr. High, whom I had only recently reconnected with via facebook, posted that her mom had died. It was sad to read as I remember her mother fondly and it was a bit shocking to think of someone as young as my own mom dying. But I hadn't seen the woman in more than 20 years and while I hurt for my friend in her loss, it seemed rather far removed from my own reality.

Shortly thereafter there was a terrible car accident in the dark of night at the intersection closest to our home. Three teenagers were life-flighted to the hospital while the mother of one lost her life that night. There was no alcohol involved just excessive speed and reckless driving. I knew no one involved in the accident, but heard the sirens that night and the roadside cross, about half a mile from the marker of a teen who was killed on the same road 2 years ago, is a sobering sight.

Then the weekend after Thanksgiving my parents learned that the son of a close friend was killed when he fell asleep at the wheel, driving back to college from Thanksgiving. I didn't even know the man, but because it hit my parents so hard, death seemed a step closer then.

And now, in the last 2 days, I have learned of three more deaths; the 2-year-old son of an online acquaintance who fell in the family pool, a doctor who had helped unravel some of my medical puzzle and treated me on several occassions, and now the mom of a very dear friend.
I hardly know the child's mother at all, just ache for her heartache as she faces gifts that will never be unwrapped under her tree.
But I had talked with my friend's mom, both face-to-face and over the phone, several times in the last couple of months, and suddenly she is gone. My heart is absolutely broken for my friend and there's this lump in the pit of my stomache that I can't shake away.
But my doctor's loss hits me perhaps hardest of all, for not only was I a patient OF his for quite some time, but I was also a fellow patient WITH him, just three weeks ago giving up my bed in the infusion room so that he could use it for what would end up being one of his final cancer treatments...

I know I am exhausted and sleep deprived after a week and a half of caring for family members with the flu, and that's definately impacting my emotional state at the moment. Physically I'm also struggling thanks to these relentless hives that have me more on edge than normal as well. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to accomplish with this post other than to say that my heart aches for all the pain so many are facing, and yet I am overwhelmed with the blessings of simply drawing my next breath and putting my arms around my loved ones. So if nothing else productive comes from this post, other than the easing of my own heartache by the therapy of writing, I beg of you to celebrate this moment and take time for those you love, because life is so very fragile and fleeting!

Better to Give...But You Might Also Receive!

I love the loving hearts of my miracle kids. They have been saving all year in great anticipation of the gift-giving catalogs coming in the mail at year's end. They just purchased a hive of bees, a dozzen chicks, and a "Jesus Loves Me" lamb for needy kids/families overseas. (Mom did a little gift-matching to get them all the way there, but they hit the goals almost totally on their own!)

Editing to add another story with a lump in my throat! Oldest son (not quite 10) just handed me $100 of his own money saved up over the past couple of years and asked me to write a check on his behalf for Bible translation for those who do not have Scriptures in their own language. I would like to invite you to visit God's Word for the Nations to see what's inspiring our sweet boy!


Want to join in the blessing? Here's where giving may "pay off" for you! Visit Samaritan's Purse (the Christmas Shoebox people) and shop/donate from your computer - couldn't be easier! And after you have opened your purse a bit, head on over to Sarah Mae's Like A Warm Cup of Coffee blog and enter to win a Sondra Roberts purse valued at over $100!

Such a Vivid Dream

I hadn't even been thinking of her much lately, certainly not focusing on dates. It snuck up on me quite by surprise this year, Noel's due date, Sept. 2. It was "Labor Day" that year that she was due, the day I was to have been "in labor". Since all my babies have come early, she probably whould have been an August baby instead...

I guess a mother's heart just can't forget, try as I might. For last night in my dreams I held a very vidid conversation with a friend all about Noel and how she was "about to turn 14". I didn't even realize until late in the day that TODAY was Sept. 2 nor connect that the dream was about this very date.

I know I'm rambling, but I can't go to sleep without at least saying, "Happy birthday, my sweet child. You were the first to touch my womb and Mommy will always hold a special place in my heart for you. I miss you even still and look forward to finally wrapping my arms around you and getting to know you some day in Heaven."

What would it be like to have a teenage daughter, a young woman on the verge of becoming an adult, in our home today? This wasn't God's perfect plan and I honestly can't imagine such a different reality than the one we live right now. But every now and then I can picture her and wonder about what could have been. Needing to focus once again on God's beautiful plan for our family just as He chose to build it rather than getting caught up in daydreams (or night dreams) about what can never be.