Saturday, March 31, 2012

Spiritually Speaking

I find myself in a rather odd position of continually needing to encourage others and "defend God." I am just now starting to understand how my strokes shook others or made them angry with God. I've had several conversation in the last couple of weeks where I've found myself in the role of comforter.

I really don't mind, and I love each of these ladies fiercely, so I hurt that they hurt. It is just weird to be trying to explain what I can of God's plan while I'm still walking it for myself. I am not asking you not to share your hurts or questions or feeling with me or to "protect" me. I believe God has given me a gift of encouragement and it feels good to be used by Him. I'm just saying that it does feel strange, in a season when I lean so heavily on others, both emotionally and for the basic needs of life, that I still have something worthwhile to pour out to others!

Thankfully I have not been angry with God or even asking Him "Why?" too often (this time...I sure did through our infertility! And now I see that was only a training ground for the years to come - thank you God, even though both events strive to break my heart.) What I have been really struggling with is not knowing my earthly purpose, this side of the strokes.

Right now, I have lost my identity. I not a Mom. Marriage is rough, so I sure don't make a good Wife. I'm no longer my children,s school teacher. While I am in the process of writing again, years have slipped by since I last published a book. I can't situationally relate to most of the women I've invested my heart in, those actively struggling through infertility or loss today. I am no longer a licensed driver (I really didn't care for driving before but the loss now really frustrates me because I've lost much of my independence). Because of bodily limitations and transportation issue and even the ability to write with my hands to keep up relationships, friendships are neglected. I can't even scrub out a toilet, something I never thought I would long for so much!

I wondered why God sent me back to a significantly more limited and broken body when He could have easily taken me Home to unbrokenness and ultimate peace. It comes down to the basics of why we were created to populate this earth at all if our time here is just a fleeting moment and we are living only a "poor reflection" of eternity. Yesterday it hit me that we are primarily created for worship, to praise God, both here and for endless days to come. I can still do that, it's not contingent on the limitations of my body!

I'm not saying that I always worship or praise well, but it was a relief to realize it is really that simple! And that I still have a meaningful purpose even in my brokenness. Thank you, God, that in all things, you can redeem pain for glory and it doesn't take anything of value on my part!! 

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18 (NIV, 1984)

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51:17 (NIV, 1984) 

Be sure to visit "part 2" of this post, while you are here!

If you are struggling with the value of your own life, read this link called,"Finding Hope After Thinking About Suicide" or this one entitled,"I Forgot My Life was Not My Own".

1 comment:

miriam said...

I was thinking of you saying you 'don't always praise well', but the choice you make of praising in spite of your ache and limitations, that is praise in of itself and it points to Jehovah God. It's that 'sacrifice of praise' I remember hearing and talking a lot about at the Hannah's Prayer convention six, no maybe seven years ago now! Your testimony reminds me, have I chosen to do the same? I know that you bring to praise God!