Mother's Day

I started writing on my stroke blog today, what I thought would be just a stroke recovery update. But as is typical of this after-infertility-mom, my thoughts quickly turned to Mother's Day. Read here and be sure to catch the open letter to pastors at the end!

Communities and Comments

Today's #NHBPM prompt asks me to share advice for dealing with negative feedback in my community.

 

I've been blessed by surprisingly little negative feedback over the years, so I don't know that I have much advice to offer. The one gem I can pass on, isn't even original with me. It is basically, "This is my blog, so if you don't have anything nice to say and we can't resolve legitimate concerns, I still have the power of veto here if you choose just be be ugly or unreasonable in comments." This one piece of advice has been very freeing for me, to realize that freedom of speech does not prevent me from freedom of moderation over my own comments. Censorship is still not something I take lightly or use with abandon, but if a public confrontation cannot be resolved, I'm not tied to continuing to publicly leave derogatory, attacking, or offensive replies live on my own website.

Since I don't have much else useful to offer on the topic, I thought I would take this opportunity to introduce you to some healing communities, both "mine" and others.

For infertility and loss at any time from conception through early infancy, there is a message board forum I helped launch years ago. Hannah's Prayer has far outgrown me and I can claim little ownership or input any more, but it will always hold a very special place in my heart. It is so much more than a "fertility forum" and really is the first resource I turn to for parenting after infertility resources, or just about any information in life, and really is my first source of breaking world news, shared from an international perspective. This world-wide community of Christian sisterhood is amazing and usually new posts have replies within minutes, day or night. It is well-worth you time investment of a few hours or days to get your (simple) registration approved to gain access! I feel like I need a t-shirt that reads, "Everything I've learned in life I've learned from my HP sisters."

I know it isn't exclusively infertility related ,and I haven't used the resource nearly as much as I could, but I feel I should give an "honorable mention" shout out to HysterSisters here, for women contemplating or undergoing hysterectomy. Another honorable mention is SoulCysters for women with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCO). Endometriosis Support should receive a shout out too. Be Not Afraid is the first place I direct parents when they face the negative prenatal diagnosis of a child. And if someone is threatening to miscarry or unsure about medical prognosis in early pregnancy, I direct them to Misdiagnosed Miscarriage for equal doses of hope and medical realism. My own book on infertility also has a blog at Hannah's Hope: Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage & Adoption Loss.

For chronic pain or illness (I have yet to find a great resource specific to ME/CFS. Anyone know of one?) my go to resource is Rest Ministries. I had no hand in the formation of this organization, but see founder, Lisa Copen, as a dear friend as we have been through the growing pains of starting young internet ministries together. The primary difference is that Lisa has maintained nearly sole leadership and day-to-day management of RM, while I have been blessed to pass daily operations of HP off to a fantastic Board of Directors. I honestly don't know how Lisa does what she does, all the while battling her own physical challenges as well as family management and creating amazing ministry resources, from blog posts, to videos, to forums, to social media participation. My own offerings to this community are two manuscripts in progress, Harvesting Hope from Heartache and Given Me a Thorn.


A stroke community I have recently found to be helpful is StrokeNet. I have only been attending there a couple of weeks, so far, so I can't tell you much about history or background yet, but so far I have really appreciated the stories and understanding found there. I am also sharing my unfolding stroke journey (and hope to eventually also write a book under the same title) at Stroke of Grace.


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Today I am thankful for the internet and the ability to connect with thousands of folks facing similar struggles, people I would never meet off line! Does anyone have a copy of the poem about "my best friends live in my computer"? I would like to post that here!

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First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss

Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache

Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace

Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness

Body Three, Spirit Two

Today #NHBPM prompt is, "Write a letter to your health."

Dear Body, 

I know you are only a shell for the real me. Overall, I am trying to keep this in perspective. God gave you to me for service and I want to get to Heave having used you up to the best of my ability.

I know you are just a tool and I'm, overall, OK with that. The things you do to complicate my days on earth aren't fun, but I know are only temporary.

But there are days when I am overwhelmed by the reality that the cracking of a shell simply hurts. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and physically, it is crushing some days! There are times when I want to just say, "I'm done."

I'm only 40, yet I've already lived through three more major health issues than many people endure in a whole lifetime. It gets old sometimes. Even if only temporary, the trials feel so long and daunting, sometimes! If I've already managed so many big things in such a relatively short time, I don't even want to consider what might yet be coming!

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:34

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18


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Today I am thankful for my amazing husband, who has been though so much the past several years, yet continues to choose me. Happy birthday!

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First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss

Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache

Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace

Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness  
 

Why I Write

OK, so I've joined the National Health Blog Post Month (NHBPM 2012) where I'm striving to blog on health issues ever day for a month. #NHBPM  If I miss a day here or there (I'm already a day behind in making my first post, because I joined a day after the challenge started) I'll try to post-date posts to the assigned day and still get caught up. I hope I manage all 30 posts this month! (Edited a month later to add, I didn't quite hit my goal, but here's why I'm OK with that and what I learned through the process!)

Today's theme is asking why I blog on health issues. Well, I guess, for me, it comes down to much of the information I've found over the years has been hard-won. I don't want other to struggle through the same journies without support, so I share what I've learned/am learning, in hopes that other find what they need to know, more easily and quickly!

I think my desire to "tell all" also reflects 1 Corinthians 13:12, "Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known." I think my blogging is part of my desire to be "fully know," though only a poor reflection of heaven. I would love get to know you too, so please leave comments telling me about yourself!

Here, you will likely find posts ranging from addressing chronic pain/illness, to infertility and/or pregnancy loss, to my six strokes at age 39 (and subsequent battle for recovery, including many lasting health concerns and complications). I have been blessed with three living children (13 years in the waiting) so I might occasionally tell you a funny about their lives or our homeschooling journey too. I have published one book and am working on three more, so who knows what will come to mind as I respond to each daily blogging prompt!

Spiritually Speaking

I find myself in a rather odd position of continually needing to encourage others and "defend God." I am just now starting to understand how my strokes shook others or made them angry with God. I've had several conversation in the last couple of weeks where I've found myself in the role of comforter.

I really don't mind, and I love each of these ladies fiercely, so I hurt that they hurt. It is just weird to be trying to explain what I can of God's plan while I'm still walking it for myself. I am not asking you not to share your hurts or questions or feeling with me or to "protect" me. I believe God has given me a gift of encouragement and it feels good to be used by Him. I'm just saying that it does feel strange, in a season when I lean so heavily on others, both emotionally and for the basic needs of life, that I still have something worthwhile to pour out to others!

Thankfully I have not been angry with God or even asking Him "Why?" too often (this time...I sure did through our infertility! And now I see that was only a training ground for the years to come - thank you God, even though both events strive to break my heart.) What I have been really struggling with is not knowing my earthly purpose, this side of the strokes.

Right now, I have lost my identity. I not a Mom. Marriage is rough, so I sure don't make a good Wife. I'm no longer my children,s school teacher. While I am in the process of writing again, years have slipped by since I last published a book. I can't situationally relate to most of the women I've invested my heart in, those actively struggling through infertility or loss today. I am no longer a licensed driver (I really didn't care for driving before but the loss now really frustrates me because I've lost much of my independence). Because of bodily limitations and transportation issue and even the ability to write with my hands to keep up relationships, friendships are neglected. I can't even scrub out a toilet, something I never thought I would long for so much!

I wondered why God sent me back to a significantly more limited and broken body when He could have easily taken me Home to unbrokenness and ultimate peace. It comes down to the basics of why we were created to populate this earth at all if our time here is just a fleeting moment and we are living only a "poor reflection" of eternity. Yesterday it hit me that we are primarily created for worship, to praise God, both here and for endless days to come. I can still do that, it's not contingent on the limitations of my body!

I'm not saying that I always worship or praise well, but it was a relief to realize it is really that simple! And that I still have a meaningful purpose even in my brokenness. Thank you, God, that in all things, you can redeem pain for glory and it doesn't take anything of value on my part!! 

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18 (NIV, 1984)

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.
Psalm 51:17 (NIV, 1984) 

Be sure to visit "part 2" of this post, while you are here!

If you are struggling with the value of your own life, read this link called,"Finding Hope After Thinking About Suicide" or this one entitled,"I Forgot My Life was Not My Own".

More Than Meets the Eye

"So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever"
(2 Corinthians 4:16-18 The Message).

This morning I was excited to wake up see I was only seeing one mirror on the dresser in my right field of vision. I was confused because images to the far right, overhead and especially to the left were still noticeably doubled. When I shifted my head just a tiny bit on the pillow the mirror was doubled as well. I finally realized that the bridge of my own nose had been blocking the view from my left eye at the angle I first woke up this morning. Overall I would say the double images are moving a little closer together, overlapping each other at times, though when I intentionally try to focus and draw the pictures closer together, they tend to drift farther apart. The neurologist still couldn't ger my left eye to move clear to the left, but another friend commented yesterday about how much better my eyes look.

12 Steps

Rick says there were several times my therapist let go for several steps today. I still walked like a drunk, but surprisingly better than last week. Rick took one video where my therapist let go of my belt for about a dozen steps! We hope to post to the video to Facebook (see previous post for links) later this week.

I'm still wearing 3-pound weights on both legs when I walk to help my brain understand my body's place in space. I am finally strong enough to wear 1 1/2-pound weights on my arms, on and off, here at home, for the same reason. My left hand continues to be rather non-functional

My left shoulder has acted up all week, so today in therapy, we skipped any machines or exercises that could irritate it or cause further inflammation and pain. I've had it explained to me that the shoulder isn't fully dislocating, but because of the muscle weakness, it does repeatedly slip partially out of its socket, thus causing pain to an otherwise mostly numb area of my body. It "popps" back into socket several times per day and that's painful when it happens, but ultimately brings some relief.

The only way to strengthen the shoulder is through specific exercises that I have to do several times per day, but most exercise aggravates and inflames the joint, bringing more pain and loss of mobility. It had calmed down for the few weeks I was out of therapy (between home health discharge and my first outpatient appointment), even though I was continuing with an exercise regiment here at home, but now that I'm doing home exercises on top of regular therapy, my shoulder is giving me plenty of trouble again.

If you are looking for a specific prayer focuses, we would appreciate real prayer for our marriage. We hope to celebrate 20 years of marriage this August, and though we've been through a lot of painful things (business loss, unemployment, infertility, recurrent miscarriages, several adoption losses, chronic illness, etc.) this outranks any experience we have yet faced. This has already been a long and painful trial and we know we have many more months or years of adjustments ahead of us before we can begin to find a "new normal."

Even if I do regain physical functions through God's re-wiring of my brain, there are six areas of my brain that are (barring God's miraculous invention) dead and cannot be recovered, so my cognitive process have been forever changed. That's hard for both of us to cope with. Although, Rick married me "for better or worse, in sickness and in health," this is a trial neither of us remotely imagined facing! God's power is our only hope or strength!

We would also appreciate your prayer for wisdom and unity in parenting. While we still haven't moved the kids back home full-time, this has been a painful growing season for every member of the family. We are finding parenthood to be more challenging than ever and know we desperately need God's guidance. Our kids are finding life to be full of surprising adjustments and challenges. This is one season where I'm especially thankful that Noel, Joel and Hannah never had to face any of the challenges of this broken world! Please keep J. (boy, age 12), R. (girl, age 9) and especially J-Bear (boy, age 6) in your ongoing prayers! I know God's purpose in this must include their lives in His holy plan, so I am learning to yield them in a way I never have before, but it is heartbreaking to watch them go through such deep struggles and be fully unable to fix anything or make the situation any easier.

Physically, besides longing for walking and seeing better (my new glasses will have to be exchanged, as they create a "blind spot" in my good eye), my TMJ remains my most ongoing and painful "thorn." My therapist works on my jaw about an hour per week and it the process is so painful I fear I will throw up on him (something my sweet husband has already endured) one of these days, from the intensity of the pain (and this said by a woman who has survived endometriosis and three unmediated labors). He says my jaw dislocation is very deep and we can't even begin to address the slipped disk in the jaw until he has re-adjusted me enough that the muscles relax enough to begin trying to move the disk back into place in the jaw joint. It is very strange to experience a numb left half of my mouth and feel such deep and profound pain in the left side of my face, my jaw joint, my lower jaw and my teeth!

Another couple thing that have really "gotten" to me this week are the finality of our sterility and my self-image. Before my strokes I had been praying about adopting another child. Even though it's been 3 1/2 years since my (medically necessary) hysterectomy, and though we've been abundantly blessed with living children, I still held out hope that "someday" (sooner rather than later) we would continue building our family through adoption. God had other plans. Instead of caring for a baby, I'm dependent on others to do my laundry, cook my meals and clean my house. The door feels firmly locked and bolted closed now. For the first time in a long time, seeing a sweet baby made me cry on Sunday and that familiar old ache was back in my heart. We've had three turns I thought we would never have, two after I had been told to expect a hysterectomy - I am so blessed! But it will never be again, and that finality is hard.

I keep another blog called Inner Beauty Girlz but I guess my message, that outer beauty is fleeting and that true beauty comes from Christ on the inside, is one I still need to learn! I started sobbing in church Sunday while everyone else sang, "You make everything glorious, and You made me!" I could only think of my brokenness, my chopped hair, my crazy eyes, my weight gain and my losses and inabilities. At that moment I could not think of Christ or who I am in Him, but only of my ugliness. I have voiced to several people that if only I were a baby or even a toddler I would be "cute" in my re-learning how to walk and move my body, but so far no one seems to really understand my self-loathing. Obviously, I am still really struggling with this.

My book on the fruit of the Spirit, is also coming along, like my physical healing, very slowly, but it is continuing to move forward. I'm asking the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom about what He would have me say about Himself and His work in our lives. Please join me in praying about this.

That's all I can think of to update for now, but it gives you a picture of where I'm at both emotionally and physically. Thank you, again, for your faithfulness in ongoing prayers! God is faithful and gracious and so good!!!

Held

I'm very blessed to be part of a new project, a blogging community just for Christian women facing infertility or loss, along with those who love us. If you are journeying through emotional pain surrounding the growth of your family, or if you love someone who is, please come join us at Held, the brand new blogging arm of Hannah's Prayer Ministries.

Not Alone

If you are facing infertility or the death of your baby this Mother's Day, I've posted several resources this week at HannahsHopeBook.blogspot.com that I pray will encourage you. {hug}

And on a different note, while did not write any of the following,I love that I'm not alone in this journey:
Why I decided to Homeschool My Kids Despite My Chronic Illness

Fears of Infertility

After so many years of "IF" (infertility), my heart will never be far from the journey nor from those still walking this heartache. Recently a member of the Hannah's Prayer Community Forums posted her thoughts and fears in the early steps of realizing she was no longer just trying to conceive, but living the realities of infertility. I will not comment further, but rather let her post speak for itself...

Since introducing myself and lurking around here a while, I've finally come to the point that I can identify what I'm feeling, and right now it's fear. I KNOW that we are to be anxious about nothing, but all of this seems so new and terrible to me that I don't really know how not to be afraid of it without ignoring what I'm fearful of, and I know that's not the answer either. I'm hoping some of you wise women will have some wisdom to share, although to be honest I'm hoping I'll magically end up with a BFP ["Big Fat Positive" pregnancy test] this month and not have to worry about it anymore. But here goes.

I'm afraid I'll be "sick." - I've always been healthy and I'm afraid of finding out that I'm really afflicted with something and spend the rest of my life seeing doctors, trying different meds, and having surgeries. I'm a nurse- I've seen this life, I've never wanted it. I'm afraid that this not-conceiving thing is just a symptom of whatever is medically wrong with me.

I'm afraid of losing my ability to love children. - All my life all I've done is work with kids. In church, at my job, in social gatherings. I gravitate towards them naturally. I'm afraid of not being able to enjoy them any more, and of losing that part of my identity, the one that's "good with kids."

I'm afraid of financial strain. - I know that we'd like to adopt, but I'd also like to start that process as soon as possible instead of using all of our resources on fertility treatments first and then having nothing left over to adopt with. This isn't really high on my list of fears, but I find myself researching adoption options already when we haven't even been to see the doctor yet. DH won't even discuss a "what if" until we've tried for "a while longer" (how long is 'a while' again?)

I'm afraid of depression. - Self-explanatory. Both my parents struggled with depression, and the pain is so overwhelming sometimes that I wonder if I'm not slipping towards it too. I really don't think so right now, but can I take years of this?

I'm afraid of being outcast. - Having to explain my status to every new person I meet. Right now it's not too hard, we've "only" been married for 2 years, after all, and I look several years younger than I am. But this can't last much longer. I'm a pretty private person (read: pronounced introvert), and I hate being known by my 'status.' It can be hard enough for me to make friends sometimes anyway. I don't want a stigma over my head too.

I'm afraid of no babies. - Obviously! But really, I always wanted 6 kids at least. Can I really handle none?

I'm afraid of a spiritual reason for IF. - Sometimes, I know God doesn't allow "good things" because of something else we'll deal with in our lives. What if I can't have kids because I'm going to die of cancer next year and God didn't want to leave my husband alone and with an orphan? I know that's far fetched, but maybe you'll understand. If I can't have kids because of something coming that would be terrible for children, I don't know if I want to go through that either.

*sigh.* That might be it. We have an appointment with my gyn soon. Hopefully we can get most of my blood work paid for by using the "irregular cycles" and "painful menstruation" card since IF labs aren't covered. Anybody know how much a SA runs?

But, to be positive too:

I'm grateful for my DH [Dear Husband] - He is kind, understanding, and (almost) totally on the same page as I am. He holds me when I'm sad and tells me we're just going to take it 1 step at a time. And he's not scared of "putting sperm in a cup" as he calls it!

I'm grateful that I've been through pain in the past - Because I have some idea how to handle rough emotions. Not the same, but helpful nonetheless

I'm grateful that we had 1 year of of marriage footloose and fancy-free before baby-making started to hang over our heads. I'd hate to have started my marriage with months of disappointment.

I'm grateful, of course, for God's grace - And try to remember to pray for the sons he wants to bring into His kingdom when I feel the pain of not having any in my life yet. I'm grateful His heart for the world hurts just as much (more, actually) than mine at the thought of the children He wants for himself. Our God knows the spirit of ALL our infirmities, and I am so grateful to know that.

Thanks ladies, for listening, and for any strength you might be able to add to my journey. It helps a lot to know that I am not alone in this battle, and to be reminded that my worth isn't based on the outcome of a child.

Kristina, thank you for your courage to put into words what so many of us have to process in our hearts and for graciously letting me share these fears with my readers.

3rd IVIG "Are you getting better yet?"

Well, here it is Thurday and I'm finally up to posting about Sunday. Honestly, it's been a very hard week. Friends are starting to ask, "Are the IVs working yet?" and I'm just not sure how to answer that. I've only had 3 out of 12-24 so far. The IVs themselves have been pretty rough and my arms look like bruised hamberger since it's taking 2-3 nurses nearly half an hour each week to find a good vein that will accept a needle and not end up bursting once the needle is in. (I ususally am complimented by lab techs on my great veins and easy pokes, so this is really strange.) They have ordered a PICC line (sort of a deep-vein IV administered via local anestesia and ultrasound and kept in until the whole course of treatment is finished) before Sunday's treatment but we are waiting to see if the insurance approval and scheduling all come through on time.

I had a bit of a reaction to last week's IV - tight chest, burning throat, hurting and slightly swelling tongue on top of the normal nausia and general sense of "icky" I feel during a treatment - but will be taking benadryl with each treatment from now on, so hopefully we can keep moving forward with them. The one thing I have amazingly and thankfully not had to deal with during either of the past 2 treatments has been a headache; what a welcome relief after the doozie I had during my first treatment! This morning is the first morning all week when I haven't felt like I had been hit by a truck when I tried to wake up. When I say "feel like I was hit by a truck," that's not an exageration or figure of speach. On Monday morning I felt so much pain, so much exhaustion and heaviness in every part of my body, so much swelling an puffiness in my face making it hard to even open my eyes, pounding headache, and still such a raw and burning throat, now accompanied by a dry cough and lingering heavy/tight chest, that I honestly could not imagine that being hit and thrown by a moving vehicle could have felt any more difficult!

This morning I'm certainly not feeling "great" but I am feeling functional for the first morning all week. I'm in some pain, but not too bad, and I don't feel like I have a heavy cloud hanging around my head like I have every morning so far this week. I can open my eyes all the way without causing more pain and I seem to have a measure of energy that is a welcome relief! Afternoons, overall, have been better than my mornings this week, so if I'm starting out today on a better note to begin with, I am quite hopeful that I will have some good portions of the day today, tomorrow and Saturday before having to start all over again with Sunday's IV.

I guess if we are trying to measure immediate results from the IVs, that may be saying something, as I normally couldn't go from a "hit by a truck" morning (though this Monday's "hit" was much worse than anything I've normally experience when I've used that statement more figuratively in the past) to functional enough to start a new homeschool year with my kids that same afternoon. I couldn't normally have a Monday (and Tuesday and Wednesday) like I've had and actually wake up to a Thursday like today. So yes, I guess we must be making some form of progress so far, but it is definately coming at a price.

New to my blog and not sure what I'm even talking about here? Check out my recent post Will You Help Me Dance? (fighting CFS). A couple other helpful posts are my article on Coping With Crisis on Top of Chronic and information on the upcoming National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week where I will be one of 20 speakers for a virtural conference Sept. 14-20. Thanks for taking a moment to check out these links! :)

Hysterectomy on Nov. 15

I'm in so much pain and so tired from ongoing bleeding that I'm strangly looking forward to getting it done! This peace can only be attributed to God as I can remember in the early days of our PI journey that my mom had her hysterectomy and I was so upset over hers that I couldn't even go down and help her. I couldn't imagine ever having this kind of peace over my own need for one, but here it is and God is providing such clear assurance that He is here in the midst of this.


--children mentioned--

I was told in my early 20s that I would probably need a hysterectomy by the time I was 30. I'm 36 so I've had several unexpected years of grace, including 2 of our 3 living miracles born after my 30th birthday! I had dreamed of 8 kids - my womb was been touched by at least 6 or 7 (and possible other unconfirmed miscarriages) and my heart by 7 more (adoption losses), so I feel very blessed to have been allowed 3 live births when I truly questioned if we would ever even have one. Physically I cannot parent more than this right now, but my heart is still open to adoption in the future should God choose to allow us to continue growing our family through that blessing.

--end child mention---



So amazingly, I am grieving very little over this final loss of reproductive ability and instead feel a sence of relief as God brings this chapter to a close. All I can do is praise the Lord for His overwhelming grace and peace in all of this because I know my reaction is well outside my normal human experiences.

My one long-term prayer is that this will be effective in managing my endo for the long haul. I know several women who have had hysterectomies and still deal with endo pain. My doctor says this is rare, but I seem to prove the rare cases. We are planning to let me keep one ovary at this point so that I don't have to go on hormone replacement (Since I tolerate outside hormones so poorly!) and I am praying this will turn out to be a good decision and not one that causes ongoing endo growth. If you could pray with me specifically along these lines, I would be greatful!