15 years

15 years ago we woke up to a ringing phone and images of 1 1/2 twins towers, the half billowing smoke but not yet fallen. Through the morning my long-awaited toddler played as I sobbed and watched a second tower hit, panicked people jump from windows high, then the towers fall. As the day unfolded, I relayed news of two additional plane crashes to my husband at work. For three solid days I cried and seriously wrestled with God over the issue of should we continue to bring more lives into this broken world or not.

We learned my husband's aunt was initially scheduled to have been on one of those planes and got bumped. Being on the west coast of the country, we were slightly insulated from the trauma in the sense that not every single person here knew someone who died that day, but the tragedy was massive enough that everyone here had at least one loved one they worried over until safety was confirmed. There was still enough communal loss that the churches were packed for week and flags flew abundantly and high. Rick's grandma, who lived next to the airport, lived under eerily quite sky for days.

Since that day, life has carried on. That baby is about to get his driver's licence. We have been blessed with two more living miracles here on earth. My husband has changed jobs twice. We have changed houses. We just celebrated that aunt's 70th birthday and she and her husband had another very near-miss going through the airport in Turkey just before the recent bombing there. (My husband and son were in the same airport two years prior!)

I've published my first book. My father-in-law has battled cancer epically. My mother has given us a sound hospital scare. I've survived a traitoris immune system that tried to abandon me a decade ago. I've survived a chiropractic accident leading to six strokes. A year ago today I had massive abdominal surgery for feminine pain and a renegade appendix.

The joys and griefs have been great. Today, I simply pause to remember. To lay the details of our lives before the Lord. To thank and rejoice for the blessings. To acknowledge the losses. To pray.

Saake Summer 2016

I haven't abandoned this blog. Life has just kept happening!

Let me hit the highlights.

In September, 2015, I had my second hysterectomy (finished up everything left behind seven years before, cleaned out new endometriosis growth, took my appendix). Is it ever wonderful to be rid of all that pain. I was so bloated and miserable!

Swollen much? My pre-surgery tummy!

The same month I made a decision, after 3 prior less determined attempts, that I was going to cut all wheat from my diet. (I'm happy to report that I'm still what-free, now migraine-free, down 20 stubborn pounds from my post-op appointment weight (when swelling was already greatly diminished!), and generally feeling much healthier.)

Earlier this spring, 2016.

This year, our 10-year-old earned best behavior in his entire class (measured in "Falcon Feathers" collected throughout the year). The school took him and a few other class winners to a day of mini-golf. Today is his very last day of 4th grade already! He will have a week with grandparents, a vacation Bible school (VBS) week, and a week away at church camp this summer. I'm excited to have several weeks to spend with him myself before school starts again in early August.

Our 13-year old won a generous cash prize (enough to pay her tuition to a special math and science camp she wanted to attend in July) by taking first place locally, then second at state, in an essay contest on patriotism and freedom. The week before math camp, she will be taking a trip (her first time ever to fly as an airplane passenger, though she has been in the co-pilot seat, typically in control of the flight stick, of private planes since she was 8-years-old) to Oshkosh, Wisconsin to attend airplane camp! She won that trip due to a second winning easy through her flying club. She plans to have enough flight hours to earn her pilot's license next year when she is old enough to qualify. She finishes up her year of free voice lessons (from the talent show she won last year) this month and is already begging to take up horseback riding, as she finally got her first taste of the sport this past weekend. She plans to dissect a frog, a fish, several other small animals, and teach her little brother to dissect a worm, over her summer break. She will also spend a week helping direct crafts in my mom's church's VBS.

Our 16-year-old just finished his Junior year of high school. He is spending nearly 9 week living 5 hours from home, interning at Stanford University in a medical office. He left Tuesday morning. We hope to take a weekend trip over to visit him over the summer. He is going to be so changed, so grown up, after a summer of full-time working, research, and managing his own laundry, budget and meals! He may take a evening college course or two as well, while he is over there. For several months we were thinking he might skip Senior year and start college this fall, so I'm thrilled to know he will be moving back home for another high school year at the end of July! When he gets back to Reno, we should finally have time in his week home before the start of the new school year, to get him to DMV to get his driver's license!

Rick started a new job with Nobel Studios in February. He also serves as family logistics implementation and taxi driver! If anyone deserves to earn a trip (or a  new car, or lawn service for the year, or a personal chef who actually knows how to cook...), it is this amazing, dedicated guy! Satan wanted to destroy our marriage through my strokes. I'm so thankful God won!!! I am blessed beyond words to be married to this man.

I am still doing water therapy at least twice a week (sometimes 3 times) and riding an exercise bike, gifted to me by a couple at Sunday School, several non-pool days. I've made myself very sore with a couple of 11 or 17-mile mornings, but I typically average 7-9 miles, 2-4 times per week. Tuesdays are my dedicated writing days. Thursdays have been Bible study mornings, then lunch with the girls, so I get home about the time my kids get off school. (I'm taking the summer off to be home with my kids another day per week, though.) So each week has just one week day for fitting in doctors and dentists and errands and chores. It is a full and busy rhythm, but I am so thankful to be at the stage of stroke recovery where I no longer juggle a dozen or more medical appointments each week! Considering that I "should" be dead or lying in a nursing home, that I get to lead this life is beyond amazing!

My rose garden this morning.

The past couple of weeks I haven't been riding my bike much at all, managing only 3-5 miles when I do. I've missed some water therapy too. In fact, I'm not really even managing to keep up with laundry and dishes and writing and meals well, as my stroke nerve pain as well as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) seems to be in a bit of a flair. For example, I took an amazing week-long trip to the Mount Hermon Christian Writer's Conference in March (total God provision, read about it here) and did amazingly well physically, both there and upon return, but the weekend trip I just took for Memorial Day is hitting me harder than that whole week! My doctor is assisting me in the last 20-30 pounds I need to loose to get back to my pre-stroke range and I really don't think this medication plays nicely with CFS, but I'm willing to pay the price as I know my weight-loss treatment is short term.

From our Memorial Day weekend. 37 of us gathered at Lake Tahoe to celebrate Rick's aunt and her best friend, for their 70th birthdays!

Other recent exciting happenings around here are that our van decided to commit suicide (throw a piston rod, and we had already decided at last major repair it wouldn't be cost effective to repair another catastrophic issue in that 18-year-old vehicle) on our way home from our Tahoe weekend. Thankfully, when we lost power to both both steering then breaks, Rick was behind the wheel (and handled the emergency SO WELL, I must add!), not our student driver! Thankfully we were already off the freeway and close to home, so Rick managed to limp the poor thing into our cul-de-sac, smoke billowing (too bad it didn't catch fire and take car of disposing itself!) and fluids hemorrhaging, where it died, never to start again. Always wanting to be a mom of many kids, a minivan was always my "dream car." I guess that life chapter is now over. We are now car (or small SUV, something that easily accommodates my walker or wheelchair, along with 3 kids) shopping.

And last, but not least, I wanted to share that as excited as our daughter was to learn to ride horses, I confirmed a new passion this weekend as well. I have wanted to take paining lessons since before I had kids. Water color, I thought. On Sunday I had a chance to try acrylic paining on canvas (one of those sip and paint party places). I felt like a whole new world opened up to me, a brand new area of my heart came alive! To say I loved the experience would be an understatement. I'm not skilled, but the feeling of swiping vivid color across clean, white canvas, just wow! Took me by surprise in the intensity of emotion!!! I'm officially hooked. When and where can I sign up for lessons?

Our daughter's dedication to me on the back of her own painting. :)

Bedroom and a Beta

What a week!

We have been working all summer to clean out our old school room and transform it into our older son's own bedroom before he starts his first semester of high school on Aug. 12! (Still no word on our daughter's acceptance into 5th grade at the charter school, so this is a matter of ongoing prayer!) I'll be listing a bunch of curriculum for sale soon, in a separate post.

I would show you pictures of the bedroom transformation, thus far, but both of our cameras have died over the past six weeks or so. (Until I figure out how to get still pictures or video from my cell phone camera to the computer, I guess this is the end of therapy videos over at Stroke Of Grace for a while!)

This weekend my parents-in-law spent an entire afternoon helping us to paint the new bedroom. I was rather unsure about our son's color choices, but now that it is up on the walls, I do have to admit he has an eye for design.

My dad has rebuilt a bookshelf, and other than repairing a desk leg, buying a box spring, and setting up the bed frame, his new room is nearing move-in ready and should be good to go before our deadline. :)

We faced a family "tragedy" on Monday. Our daughter's beloved birthday Beta fish went belly up. The tears we uncontrollable. It was very strange and draining for me to try to offer emotional support to our girl when my own emotional processing center is still so terribly messed up. She sobbed and my heart broke for her, but try as I might, I could not bring about the release of my own tears.

Bless her heart, she choked out, "When I hunt an animal, it never hurts like this!" Being her first real taste of the sting of grief (Thank you, Lord, for protecting her from a much more traumatic loss 20 months ago!), it turned out to be a good jumping block to talk about her older siblings lost to miscarriage. She agreed that she was thankful we were only facing Rainbow the fish's death, not a human child, but it still hurt because of love invested.

A new bright orange goldfish, named Ella, and an African aquatic frog, named Lilly, are now happily swimming in her fish bowl and her shattered heart is mending and learning to love again. Thank you to her Daddy for canceling plans on Monday night to come home and love on our girl!

Today's Shooting

Today's (and other recent) tragedies leave us reeling. Rather than trying to speak on an issue I am still trying to process myself, I direct you to the free chapter PDF (for a limited time) of the book Hope for the Weary Mom. My heart just absolutely aches for all the brokenness, and emptiness and horror these families face today. Praying for God's comfort, peace and grace to see everyone involved through these very dark waters!

From a friend's wall on Facebook. No artist credited. :(

Unfortunately, I have a sliver of an idea of the pain these families are facing right now (as do many of my friends), the unexpected loss of a precious child, right at Christmas time, though under very different circumstances. I have talked with my (earthly) kids about this much, but have no idea how to begin broaching the subject of why such evil  exists in the world. How and What to Share with Your Children offers some good starting points.

Find more thoughts, in the form of a helpful prayer by Max Lucado, here.

Alternative Opinions

I laughed out loud when I read today's  #NHBPM prompt, to "Write about alternative treatments / regimens / medicine. What do you support? What is crazy?" Why laugh, because I have some very strong opinions that I'm not sure anyone really wants to hear (but I am going to try to share, gracefully, anyway).

My plan is to basically stick to two categories, the "good" and (what I personally consider to be) the "bad." I'll spare you "the ugly" details for today (though a few of you already know enough about my life that you may read into some of what I'm not ready to say here). Edited to finally add link.

I have not always gotten very good results with tradition medical care, what we might term, "western medicine," until recent years. I have often been quite happy to pursue alternative treatments, usually something under the "eastern medicine" umbrella, when such treatments were actually providing results that western practices were not.

A few years ago I was very blessed to find a primary care physician, trained in western medicine, but also open to and trained in many eastern methods as well. She is of a whole-body mindset, big on nutritional and herbal and homeopathic methods, but never afraid to write a prescription for antibiotics, when warranted, either! I feel I am now receiving the best possible care, a wonderful marriage of the best of all philosophies.

One area where she has been overseeing my health care is in the area of PCO or polycystic ovaries. I have take the diabetic drug, Metformin, with great results in the past, but the long-term concerns over taking this medication offer some real concerns. So, with my doctor's approval, I am now trying to gain similar results through more natural means, the medicinal use of cinnamon to address IR (insulin resistance is strongly linked to many cases of PCO). Because I am now on blood thinners (due to the stents placed after my strokes), I am on the kind without blood thinning concerns, Ceylon Cinnamon (something anyone on medicinal levels of this spice should be informed about)!

So, that's the very best alternative suggestion I can give you. And now for the worst,without offering further commentary, I will let the following video speak for themselves. I thing the key quote here (first video) is that I'm not against chiropractic therapy all together, but if you are going to pursue chiropractic adjustment, "never let them work on your neck!" This is why, while I used to be open to chiropractic care, I do not even consider it to be a viable option anymore.

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Today I am thankful for many different medical options, that when one thing doesn't work, I often can try another.

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First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss

Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache

Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace

Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness

Care Package

Today #NHBPM prompt is, "Create the perfect care package for your members or fellow patients."

 

Two things that were especially meaningful to me in the hospital (and since I've been home) are a prayer shawl and a couple of prayer quilts. I think, be it infertility, loss, chronic illness, or long-term recovery for a critical condition like my strokes, an item like this, to convey prayers, would be high on my list of priority things to include.  I also love the SOFT comfort of Pajama Prayers.

For infertility, I would like something that validates grief, like a specific piece of jewelry. Also a blank journal and a good book, like Hannah's Hope.

 For pregnancy or infant loss, also a piece of memorial jewelry, a keepsake item like sweet baby shoes, a bear, or a baby blanket, photos if time appropriate, and a book like Kathe Wunnenberg's Grieving the Child I Never Knew. Lots of great memorial gifts are found at Sufficient Grace.

For ME/CFS or other chronic illnesses, check for allergies and or sensitivities. A massage gift certificate might be great for one friend, while being intolerable for another who is sent into a tailspin with touch. A gift certificate for take out or house cleaning is usually quite welcome, as long as there is variety in the menu choices (to accommodate food restrictions) or the cleaning product used are low-scent and non-allergenic. Easily prepared foods or crock-pot meals (again, ask about any food issues) are handy for times your friend just isn't up to cooking, even cleaned and cut carrot stick or other veggies may be greatly appreciated. Paper plates and disposable utensils are good too. Magazines, light, funny novels, humorous movies, fruit or other snacks, card games, favorite music, the possibilities are many! While it is rather dated, a good book to give, if you are looking for something more serious, is Finding Strength in Weakness by Lynn Vanderzalm.

For stroke or critical/long-term conditions, a truly listening ear is the most important thing. Like I said a couple days ago, bright flowers (or maybe a bright picture - something with lots of color!) are often good too. Books on CD were a huge blessing when my eyesight was too poor to read. (Any title by Joni Earckson Tada is great.) Fast-reading, inspirational or devotional books, like Jesus Calling, have been great since I started reading again, but have such low attention span and memory. 

A small, lightweight, non-bulky, inspirational necklace was a great gift that I can wear to therapy to stay motivated without it getting in the way. Non-slip socks are a fun and practical gift. If you know specific needs of your friend, how can you creatively meet those needs? A friend who had to have a tracheotomy from her stroke requested pretty, new, non-allergenic, silk scarves to put over her scar. 

The gift of time, may be even more appreciated that a tangible item, be it offering to clean a bathroom, mop a floor, help sort something like photos and get them in an album, or helping decorate for the holidays, or some skill like a friend who came to my house to cut my hair or another who did manicures professionally and showed up with her foot spa to do a pedicure. 

Quilt I made for Kendra, tying it as part of my own therapy.

 Can you offer rides to doctor's offices and the grocery store? Can you offer child care? Find out my needs and ask God to give you creative ideas to meet them. Are you willing to hassel with my wheel chair or walker (and be seen with me in public) to take me on a shopping outing just for fun, knowing I will take an especially long time (and may need some help) in the fitting room?

P.S. Unless you know for a fact that it is not an issue, for any gift giving, please avoid nuts (common allergen), latex (like balloons), or anything scented (like candles). There's nothing worse than knowing someone gave you a gift from a huge heart and good intentions, but you can't be around it. Some kinds of cut flowers, while beautiful, really stink within a few days, so check with your florist! Still want to send balloons, try mylar ones - they last longer too. Our dollar store carries them for a much better price than anywhere else in town. (Remember, even if there are no concerns for your friend, if he/she shares a hospital room, there are the potential allergy issues of a roommate to consider as well.)

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Today I am thankful for my friends, who have surrounded me and cheered me on. When life gets inconvenient, you find out who your true friends are. I have been richly blessed in this department!

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First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss

Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache

Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace

Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illnesS

Body Three, Spirit Two

Today #NHBPM prompt is, "Write a letter to your health."

Dear Body, 

I know you are only a shell for the real me. Overall, I am trying to keep this in perspective. God gave you to me for service and I want to get to Heave having used you up to the best of my ability.

I know you are just a tool and I'm, overall, OK with that. The things you do to complicate my days on earth aren't fun, but I know are only temporary.

But there are days when I am overwhelmed by the reality that the cracking of a shell simply hurts. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually, and physically, it is crushing some days! There are times when I want to just say, "I'm done."

I'm only 40, yet I've already lived through three more major health issues than many people endure in a whole lifetime. It gets old sometimes. Even if only temporary, the trials feel so long and daunting, sometimes! If I've already managed so many big things in such a relatively short time, I don't even want to consider what might yet be coming!

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. - Matthew 6:34

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18


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Today I am thankful for my amazing husband, who has been though so much the past several years, yet continues to choose me. Happy birthday!

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First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss

Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache

Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace

Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness  
 

My Fanny Pack

Today's assignment for #NHBPM is, to "write about what’s in your bag / purse / backpack every day."

Well first of all, I need to talk about my purse itself. I don't carry one. Perhaps I should clarify and say that the strokes left me incapable of carrying one (I don't have the strength or dexterity). First, my mom said she was starting a new fashion trend, carrying two purses, both hers and mine. I eventually had to buy a smaller purse, to be lighter weight for her (she switched purses too).

Next, we got the brilliant idea that I could probably carry my own purse if it was light enough, centered against my torso to not exacerbate balance issues, and if the strap was long enough to go on over my head and be worn across my chest. So we spent several hours and a large chunk of my birthday money looking for a stylish, "perfect" purse that was big enough to hold and easily access my handicap parking permit, but small enough that I couldn't overfill beyond essentials.

That sort of worked for a few weeks, but not as well as we had hoped. Soon, my mom was back to her old fashion statement. So much for that birthday money. But my daughter was thrilled to inherit my discards!

Next, my mom lent me her fanny pack. This has actually been our best solution to date, but someone still has to strap it on me because the buckle is on the back side, to the left. I haven't learned to master that with only one properly functional hand yet. This allows me to carry my things and skill keep my one good arm free to operate my cane efficiently. In stead of me holding on to a bag, it holds on to me. And since it is centered right on my belly, it doesn;t usually throw me off balance either.

So what's so important that I need to carry anything at all? Well, in addition to my parking placard, there's my Epi pen, a few different inhalers, and all my latex-free supplies (bandages, gloves, anything that we might need in general, minor medical care, along with everything an EMT might need in an emergency, but typically only have available containing latex). Since my life could depend on always having ready access to all of these things, I can't very well leave home without them!

In addition, I fit in my keys, a pocket calendar (my brain!), wallet and cell phone. I used to carry much more, but I've scaled it way back to what I see as the basics. I used to also carry thing like mineral makeup (I've only worn makeup once since the strokes), tissues, breath freshener or hard candies and LOTS of coupons. There just isn't room now. The "purse" is pretty unattractive, but I'm thankful that this mostly works. Just don't ask me to fit anything else for you in there as well!

So what about you? What is the strangest thing you carry, and why?

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First Published Book: Hannah's Hope : Seeking God's Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss

Book-in-progress on drawing on the fruit of the Spirit in times of trial: Harvesting Hope from Heartache


Next book-in-progress: 6 strokes at age 39, Stroke of Grace

Future manuscript in the plans: Given Me a Thorn, the apostle Paul's story as applicable to living with chronic illness 

Fire!

I was sharing with my mom yesterday how unprepared I felt for this crisis. I guess that's the hallmark of a crisis though, it is something devastatingly unexpected and if you were fully prepared you wouldn't react to the crisis negatively, so in your eye the event wouldn't be a crisis!

I compared having a stroke to a single house fire. In a wide-spread crisis like a flood or an earthquake, everyone can understand what you are going through because they are dealing with the same types of issues.

A fire is just as unexpected (sometimes more so with today's weather prediction technology) and just as individually devastating, but very few truly know what your daily life is like in the days, week, months or even years to follow. There isn't a manual to tell you what to expect or what steps come next along your journey. And it is a unique process for anyone, all though their are some general commonalities with others who have lived the same trauma.

The good news here is that while others can't personally relate, they weren't traumatized at the same time you were, so they have the emotional and physical resources available to help you out, unlike fellow catastrophe victims would.

 I went to therapy again yesterday. Nearly an hour with the occupation therapist for my intake interview. Tthen my normal physical therapy stuff for another hour or so.  As for walking, G. says that they hardly ever see this kind of progress, especially this quickly, even from a single stroke, much less six with such deep brain involvement like I've seen. I know the only answer is God's grace, since my medical prognoses was so poor.

 I told him that I would still like to be walking by now and he agreed that ever other patient wanted to, "be better yesterday" as well, but he still seems quite amazed at my progress. I am still walking like i severely drunk, but I am walking a bit so there is progress. My new goal is to be fully walking on my own by my 40th birthday, the end of July. I don't know how realistic that goal is, but it is where I hope to be.

 I also do a seated stepping machine. A week ago my record was around 600-700 steps in 15 minutes. Last Wednesday I made over 1,060 and yesterday I got to 1,275 in the same amount of time. I like this kind of measurable progress with such exciting outcomes!

When we came in from therapy we smelled a little smoke in the air and heard a fire siren. Within the next half hour we watched in fascinated horror as a pillar of smoke rose over our neighborhood, first white and then thick and black. At least three more fire trucks came roaring past our house and we knew the lives of our neighbor were changing forever.

Just a few blocks from our house, two children were home alone (imagine their parents, leaving for work one ho-hum morning, then having no home to come back to at the end of the day) when the fire broke out. According to the news, there were no injuries, so I presume the kids got out safely. I do not know the family and do not know how we can help out, but the stroke analogy kept replaying in my mind as I watched the smoke rise, and I covered this hurting family in prayer.

We have been through or own crisis, but now we are in a position to be the blessers to others because this tragedy wasn't our own. God, please give us the wisdom to turn our kind intention in to healing and helpful actions, when I'm at such loss in how to respond.

Last night I enjoyed a couple of independent "firsts." I went to writer's group again, so this meant I rode somewhere in the car without an immediate family member AND it was my first time out for a meeting in the evening. I was quite sore and tired by the end, but I am thankful I was able to go! I was so blessed by the fellowship of the ladies and the feedback on my Fruit of the Spirit book. It was a stretch, and I was fearful to go without family and hand-holding, but I was embraced quickly back into the fold and was well taken care of.

I ask you to keep this nameless family who lost their home in yesterday's fire in your prayers. Also my friends R. and M. who remain so heavy on my heart as they continue grieving for their daughter.