12 Steps

Rick says there were several times my therapist let go for several steps today. I still walked like a drunk, but surprisingly better than last week. Rick took one video where my therapist let go of my belt for about a dozen steps! We hope to post to the video to Facebook (see previous post for links) later this week.

I'm still wearing 3-pound weights on both legs when I walk to help my brain understand my body's place in space. I am finally strong enough to wear 1 1/2-pound weights on my arms, on and off, here at home, for the same reason. My left hand continues to be rather non-functional

My left shoulder has acted up all week, so today in therapy, we skipped any machines or exercises that could irritate it or cause further inflammation and pain. I've had it explained to me that the shoulder isn't fully dislocating, but because of the muscle weakness, it does repeatedly slip partially out of its socket, thus causing pain to an otherwise mostly numb area of my body. It "popps" back into socket several times per day and that's painful when it happens, but ultimately brings some relief.

The only way to strengthen the shoulder is through specific exercises that I have to do several times per day, but most exercise aggravates and inflames the joint, bringing more pain and loss of mobility. It had calmed down for the few weeks I was out of therapy (between home health discharge and my first outpatient appointment), even though I was continuing with an exercise regiment here at home, but now that I'm doing home exercises on top of regular therapy, my shoulder is giving me plenty of trouble again.

If you are looking for a specific prayer focuses, we would appreciate real prayer for our marriage. We hope to celebrate 20 years of marriage this August, and though we've been through a lot of painful things (business loss, unemployment, infertility, recurrent miscarriages, several adoption losses, chronic illness, etc.) this outranks any experience we have yet faced. This has already been a long and painful trial and we know we have many more months or years of adjustments ahead of us before we can begin to find a "new normal."

Even if I do regain physical functions through God's re-wiring of my brain, there are six areas of my brain that are (barring God's miraculous invention) dead and cannot be recovered, so my cognitive process have been forever changed. That's hard for both of us to cope with. Although, Rick married me "for better or worse, in sickness and in health," this is a trial neither of us remotely imagined facing! God's power is our only hope or strength!

We would also appreciate your prayer for wisdom and unity in parenting. While we still haven't moved the kids back home full-time, this has been a painful growing season for every member of the family. We are finding parenthood to be more challenging than ever and know we desperately need God's guidance. Our kids are finding life to be full of surprising adjustments and challenges. This is one season where I'm especially thankful that Noel, Joel and Hannah never had to face any of the challenges of this broken world! Please keep J. (boy, age 12), R. (girl, age 9) and especially J-Bear (boy, age 6) in your ongoing prayers! I know God's purpose in this must include their lives in His holy plan, so I am learning to yield them in a way I never have before, but it is heartbreaking to watch them go through such deep struggles and be fully unable to fix anything or make the situation any easier.

Physically, besides longing for walking and seeing better (my new glasses will have to be exchanged, as they create a "blind spot" in my good eye), my TMJ remains my most ongoing and painful "thorn." My therapist works on my jaw about an hour per week and it the process is so painful I fear I will throw up on him (something my sweet husband has already endured) one of these days, from the intensity of the pain (and this said by a woman who has survived endometriosis and three unmediated labors). He says my jaw dislocation is very deep and we can't even begin to address the slipped disk in the jaw until he has re-adjusted me enough that the muscles relax enough to begin trying to move the disk back into place in the jaw joint. It is very strange to experience a numb left half of my mouth and feel such deep and profound pain in the left side of my face, my jaw joint, my lower jaw and my teeth!

Another couple thing that have really "gotten" to me this week are the finality of our sterility and my self-image. Before my strokes I had been praying about adopting another child. Even though it's been 3 1/2 years since my (medically necessary) hysterectomy, and though we've been abundantly blessed with living children, I still held out hope that "someday" (sooner rather than later) we would continue building our family through adoption. God had other plans. Instead of caring for a baby, I'm dependent on others to do my laundry, cook my meals and clean my house. The door feels firmly locked and bolted closed now. For the first time in a long time, seeing a sweet baby made me cry on Sunday and that familiar old ache was back in my heart. We've had three turns I thought we would never have, two after I had been told to expect a hysterectomy - I am so blessed! But it will never be again, and that finality is hard.

I keep another blog called Inner Beauty Girlz but I guess my message, that outer beauty is fleeting and that true beauty comes from Christ on the inside, is one I still need to learn! I started sobbing in church Sunday while everyone else sang, "You make everything glorious, and You made me!" I could only think of my brokenness, my chopped hair, my crazy eyes, my weight gain and my losses and inabilities. At that moment I could not think of Christ or who I am in Him, but only of my ugliness. I have voiced to several people that if only I were a baby or even a toddler I would be "cute" in my re-learning how to walk and move my body, but so far no one seems to really understand my self-loathing. Obviously, I am still really struggling with this.

My book on the fruit of the Spirit, is also coming along, like my physical healing, very slowly, but it is continuing to move forward. I'm asking the Holy Spirit to give me wisdom about what He would have me say about Himself and His work in our lives. Please join me in praying about this.

That's all I can think of to update for now, but it gives you a picture of where I'm at both emotionally and physically. Thank you, again, for your faithfulness in ongoing prayers! God is faithful and gracious and so good!!!

Walking More

My therapist said I took a couple steps without him holding on Monday! There's a video from last week when I started walking (with weights on my legs so I can feel and control them better and two therapists walking with me to catch me when I start to fall) on my Facebook page (sorry I couldn't figure out how to post it here - look for March 7 posts or on my husband's page). We praise the Lord that I walked even farther, independently today, though I looked quite drunk! My therapist teased me that I should drink three shots of Brandy before I try to walk and I actually might walk a straighter line.

I have new glasses as of Monday afternoon. Though I can't see crystal clear I see significantly better than I did. I can patch one lens at a time, so while one eye is still visibly out of synch with the other, and while it really throws off my depth perception, this mostly solves the doubled vision at least as a temporary (until my eyes either self-correct or I have surgery in about a year) fix. I'll try to post a picture soon. I don't have peripheral vision with one eye patched, so I'm rather blind unless you are standing right in front of me. I will need to adjust to the change (and hope I don't drive my walker over too many people in the meantime) but I am enjoying seeing clearer and being able to read more! My right eye is my "better" eye overall, but I've noticed when the other eye is patched, my vision is significantly darkened.

My temporomandibular disorder (TMJD) and left shoulder pain are still giving me fits. My therapist is working on the TMJ and when my jaw loudly popped last week I could hear better for a short time (that afternoon), but I am hopeful that addressing this may improve my hearing in the long run. My hearing is still quite muffled and I miss a lot. I haven't recently mentioned my shoulder to the therapist, but I think it is hurting more with exercise, so I will bring it up at therapy next week if it is still bothering me.

I'm still dizzy and sometimes nauseated when I move my head. I've described the sensation to Rick as having a gyroscope in my head. One wrong movement and I'm reeling! I can move my head from side to side a little more now, but my neck still feels like it needs to be adjusted. There is no way I desire to have my neck "popped" again, since that's when all this started with the dissection of an artery at the chiropractor's office.

My hand seems to be working a tiny bit better but is still very weak (especially in trying to spread my fingers apart) and shaky. My therapist says I can start wearing light weights on my arms to help me feel and control them better. I am finally washing and rinsing my own (cut very shot while in the hospital) hair, though my right hand does most of the work. I didn't have the strength to grasp anything left-handed until recently, but can now hold the shower head and squeeze the handle of my walker with my left hand, though my grasp looks funny. My right hand functions well as long as something is firmly passed into it and I grasp solidly before someone lets go. I am, thankfully, right-handed and my penmanship is starting to improve with practice.

My blood flow is still a problem. My left hand and foot often look purple due to blood pooling in them. As I am on blood thinners for at least six months, bruising is not surprising, but I frequently sport many large and ugly bruises. My knuckles look perpetually banged up! I don't feel as continually cold as I did but I still chill easily, in spite of a nearly 30-pound weight gain since I've been home.

I'm excited to make a new friend. Joanne Heim is also a Christian, nearly my age, used to homeschool and is a published author! What a perfect fit of commonalities. She is also recovering from a major stroke (14 months, I think) that was nearly fatal. I look forward to getting to know Joanne better! What an answer to prayer. If anyone knows of other stroke recovery websites, especially Christian-based, please tell me in the comments. I would be so grateful.

Those are today's prayer request and praises. Thank you for standing with me! It is wonderful to have this log to "journal" my ongoing journey. Thank you for walking this long road with me through your thoughts and prayers.

Walked & Teaching School

The best news so far in my recovery has been having our kids home sine Wednesday night. They are scheduled to go back to my in-laws' on the 15th, but at least we are getting closer to bringing them home full-time. We have been doing school again and other than the walker, the emergency call button hanging around my neck, a funny-sounding, slow voice, eyes that don't see well, and a hand that won't work, it feels pretty "normal" again. I tell my first-grader that he can write and cut better than Mommy can, and I worry about my youngest son's speech since I can't pronounce words well, but we are learning. I still need someone else to fix meals, do laundry, and general housework, but we are slowly getting there.


I started outpatient therapy last week. (Technically, I am still categorized as "home-bound" but my amazing hubby gets me and my equipment out the door a few times a week.) Yesterday I WALKED 300 ft.! I needed two attendants to keep from falling, but it was the first time I have been equipment-free since October! My therapist says it will be a long road, but that was a start. He says when he asks me if I want to stop or do more, I always answer that I will do more. He asked if I used to run marathons (funny!) and says my motto seems to be, "Anything worth doing is worth overdoing."

I'll see the regular eye doctor this afternoon and hopefully we can get some eye glasses ordered to address the blurry part of the vision. My mouth is still very numb and I keep biting myself, even on the "good" side because of that. Eventually we will have to address hearing loss issues and dental so I can open my mouth more than an inch, but we can only take so many things at a time. For now I am enjoying being a mother and am rejoicing that I can actually envision a future on my own two feet!

Putting It All Out There

I finally had the courage and energy to update all my regular blogs with news of the stroke today. I don't know why I could tell the world of or infertility and losses, but this, so visible, seems more private and I long to protect my heart. I type today with one eye closed, the other eye watering, single-fingered, and my left hand crumpled against my chest. This is HARD, on marriage, our family, and my heart. I had no idea. But God is still good!

In case I have missed sharing any of this here, the bulk of what I posted to other blogs is as follows:
Last fall, Oct. 2011, I experienced multiple strokes with brain-stem involvement. I have vision loss, doubled vision, hearing loss, a partially paralized hand, and I cannot walk, so I have trouble reading or typing. I am posting updates at http://infertilitymom.blogspot.com/search/label/stroke if you wish to read news. I would be blessed by your prayers as I not only as I fight to recover from this near-fatal experience, but also as I prayerfully work on my next two books, first a devotional on The Fruit of the Spirit and then, if God allows, a Hannah's Hope-style-book on the Apostle Paul and living with chronic pain or illness.

Eye Update

I went to the neuro-ophthalmologist yesterday. We had a nearly 4-hour appointment and my case excited the doctor so much that he called his entire staff in to learn from my exam. Since my neurologist had said last month that I was a "great teaching case" I shouldn't have been surprised. But I am getting tired of presenting complications my doctors have mostly only read about it textbooks but rarely seen in real life. I left his office with several new diagnoses tied to the strokes including cerebellar disease. The good news is that my blurry vision is correctable with normal glasses. The bad new is that my double vision is not correctable even with prism glasses because my vision is "too bad". I might have surgery in a year or more if my vision stabilizes. I know we have much to be thankful for but today I am discouraged.

stroke update

It is about 3 months since my first strokes now. I still see blurry and double so have trouble reading. Can't use my left hand so typing is challenging. Need a walker or wheel chair and doctor say extent of my injuries is profound but hopefully I will mostly rebuild mental connections within two years. Thank you for prayers. Circumstances are hard but God is faithful and good.

six strokes

I just am home this week after having spent nearly two month in the hospital. I still can't walk without a walker, have lost half of the hearing in my left ear, my left side is partially paralized and my eyes are messed up. I've had six strokes and two surgerrs since late October.
Will write more details as able. Went to chiropracter who crimped an arterey and had ambulance ride to Urgent Care. Thank you to all who sent gifts or cards - God used you in powerful ways!
Follow my husband at https://www.facebook.com/ricksaake for updates.